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Chapter 5

Daniel

Stamford

31^st December 2017, 10.17 p.m.

Even now, I’m shocked at how natural it feels to be with Rachael and Sean. The conversation never faltered as we talked about everything grown-ups could with a six-year-old buzzing around them. In the background Alexa, Sean’s Amazon speaker, played song after song, most of which I hadn’t heard in a long time and some being completely new to me despite Sean telling me they were hits back in the day. We had already eaten together, Sean’s cooking actually surprising Rachael and I. Probably Katie too, but she was being polite by suggesting she trusted his chef’s abilities. Rachael announced he could start cooking more often and I saw him smile proudly.

‘I didn’t doubt you for a second,’ Katie said when Rachael and I expressed our surprise that the food was edible.

‘Thanks, Katie. This is why we’re friends.’

After we had eaten I played on the floor with Thomas, building a Scalextric track that covered most of the lounge. Sean helped move the furniture to create more space and to make tunnels from sofa cushions until, between the three of us, we had entirely turned the room upside down.

Katie and Rachael chatted as we played. I couldn’t hear their conversation clearly, but I heard Katie telling Rachael about her father. Rachael, being a nurse for as long as she had been, spoke comforting words about what the staff will be doing for him in his final months. Most of the time I wanted to be by Katie’s side when she was talking about her dad to give her a shoulder, comfort. But I knew in this instance to let them chat and so focused on Thomas. Rachael knew what she was talking about and I liked that Katie felt comfortable enough to talk about it with her.

With the track complete and the cars placed on the start grid we flipped a coin to see who would race against Thomas first. Sean called heads, and heads it was, so I moved to let them begin the miniature Formula One course of our design. As I went to pocket the £2 coin, Thomas asked for me to do the trick he always loved seeing.

‘Coin trick?’ asked Sean curiously.

‘Daddy can make a coin vanish. He’s a magician.’ He said the last part in a whisper.

‘Now then, I would also like to see that.’

‘Really?’

‘Sure, who doesn’t love a bit of magic?’

Standing, I rolled up my shirt sleeves a little, so they were resting on my forearms, and in my best magician voice I declared I would make the coin in my hand vanish before their very eyes. Thomas started giggling in delight and Sean made a ‘woooo’ noise, indulging in my silliness for Thomas.

‘As you can see, I have this £2 coin. Would anyone in the audience like to hold it to make sure it’s real?’

‘I would!’ Thomas said, jumping to his feet, knowing what was to come. ‘It’s real,’ he continued before handing it to Sean who also confirmed the coin was, in fact, real. Taking the coin back I pushed my sleeves up over my elbows and, holding the coin tightly in my grasp, I shook my hand and asked Thomas to blow on it before rubbing my fingers into my palm, dissolving the coin. Both Thomas and Sean applauded and I took a mock bow like I was on the stage at the Royal Variety before sitting back on the floor beside them.

‘Where is it? Where is it?’ Thomas begged, looking in his hair, behind his ear and in his socks.

‘It’s gone, Thomas, it’s gone forever,’ I said mystically.

‘No, it always comes back,’ he said, searching through Sean’s hair also.

‘Okay, how did you do that?’ Sean asked and, responding in my best magician voice again, I told him a master never reveals his secrets. Thomas was still frantically searching both himself and Sean for the coin. It was time for the finale. Looking up I made a face as if about to sneeze, and said as much, drawing their attention. As I did I shot the coin back into my hand as if I had just sneezed it from my nose. Thomas erupted in laughter and Sean gave me a fresh clap for my showmanship. I handed Thomas the coin, telling him he could put it in his money box.

‘This is the only reason he indulges my magic now. Somehow, I do all the work and Thomas keeps all the money,’ I said, making Sean chuckle. ‘Right, now that’s over, let’s see you two race so I can defeat the winner.’

‘No way, Daddy. I’m like Lewis Hamilton.’

‘Oh really, we’ll see about that,’ declared Sean, positioning himself to begin. As the race began and Thomas shot into a commanding lead, Sean looked towards me.

‘Okay. You have to tell me. How did you do that trick?’

‘You want me to explain it?’

‘Yes, no. Just where did you learn how to do it?’

‘I have no idea. I’ve just always known it. Recovering from my accident I had a lot of time to kill, and was always bored. I discovered I was pretty good with my hands and then when I knew Thomas was on the way I decided to learn a few tricks, so went to our friend YouTube. I picked it up so easily that I guess it’s something I did before.’

‘Well, handy to have.’

‘They are good for parties.’

Thomas crossed the finish line in a triumphant first place and Sean and I took turns to race Thomas for another half-hour, but Thomas proceeded to beat both us adults, despite us actually trying.

Thomas had tried to stay up with us to see the fireworks, but his little body gave in just after eleven. Rachael and I carried him to bed, like we used to when he was a baby. We changed him into his pyjamas, tucked him in and, because he had stirred, I sat on the floor beside his bed and read him a story as Rachael stroked his back until we watched him close his eyes. We did it all without needing to talk, our instincts guiding us seamlessly. Once he was asleep we both kissed him on the head and went back down to join Sean and Katie who were mid-conversation as they tidied the carnage we had created in the living room. Katie was telling Sean a funny story about how much of a tomboy she was as a kid. Sean was sitting with tears of laughter in his eyes as she talked about the day she was locked in an outside bin cupboard after getting in a fight with Cary Gorgon, the local bully from her childhood. I had heard the story before, but couldn’t help but join in with Sean’s laughter when she spoke of how her father found her, fingers poking out of the ventilation holes in the cupboard door, nose bleeding.

Once the lounge was tidy we went into the kitchen diner and Sean opened a fresh bottle of red and topped up mine and Katie’s glasses before filling his. Rachael’s glass was still full. I felt the energy shift in the room as he exchanged a glance with her. The air around them became charged with anticipation.

‘There is something we want to share with you two,’ he said, his tone formal and nervous.

‘Is everything all right?’ I asked, looking first to him then to her.

‘2018 is going to be a busy one for us,’ she said, a smile drawing across her face. ‘We’re having a baby!’

Katie squealed in delight and leapt up, giving Rachael a hug. I too rose to my feet, first offering a handshake to Sean that turned into a hug. We then swapped, and I told Rachael I was truly very happy for her.

‘How long?’ Katie asked.

‘It’s still early days, about ten weeks. We haven’t told anyone yet as we are waiting for our twelve-week scan, but we had to share it with you. Once we’ve had the scan we’re going to tell Thomas.’

‘I’m so happy for you both,’ Katie said again hugging Rachael. I raised my glass and toasted to the start of the next chapter. Which was echoed by Rachael, Sean and Katie.

As the clock ticked closer and closer to the new year we talked about everything and nothing at all, the discussion always coming back to Sean and Rachael’s news about their baby, until just before midnight. Rachael opened the back door which led to their conservatory and turned the TV on to BBC1 which was showing a live performance of a disco band called Chic. I hadn’t heard of them, but they were fantastic to watch at a New Year’s Eve party.

Outside, over the Stamford night sky, the fireworks had already started with a display coming from Burghley House, the sixteenth-century country house that famously hosted the Burghley horse trials. From where we were we could watch both the live fireworks above our heads and the ones coming from central London. As the countdown began, the fireworks outside intensified and grabbing hold of Katie, I held her as we counted backwards from ten.

We brought in the new year stood out in the cold garden watching the night sky light up from the neighbours setting off their own fireworks and the official ones happening down the road, our faces illuminated with the reflection of the bright colours. I could smell the potassium and gunpowder on the air from the fireworks, a familiar smell that I secretly liked. Somehow it reminded me of being younger.

None of us wanted to speak. The moment felt so real, so easy. The four of us together should be a complicated existence but it was effortless.

Then a song came on, wafting through the patio doors, reaching us outside. It was one of the many being played by Sean’s new toy. This was one I didn’t think I knew, but as the guitar riff started, something washed over me. The gunpowder smell intensified, as did the explosions of fireworks. I saw myself high off the ground looking down. The wind whipped around me as fireworks lit the sky above and I was filled with a sense of panic, a fear of being caught. I remember the feeling of adrenaline filling my body as I ran.

Then there were words painted on a road sign that shot in front of my face. I could read the letters but couldn’t make sense of the words; it wasn’t English. The sign vanished and I was on my knees, covered in soil, somewhere else. A crow cawed somewhere nearby. The sound of fast-moving water was around me. It vanished and then I was with my father. I could see his face. I knew it was him from the photos my mother had of us all on her mantelpiece. The man who was permanently absent both in my life and in my mind. He was so clear I felt I could reach out and touch the stubble on his cheek. I heard his voice. Gravelly and deep. He told me to wait where it all began. Wait for him to return. It was all coming at me in flashes, like a jigsaw I needed to put together. It was overwhelming and like nothing I had experienced before.

Katie touched my arm, shaking me from the images that were attacking my peaceful fog. As I focused back on the present Rachael and Sean were oblivious. Her head on his shoulder, both contained in their own bubble of happiness. No doubt both thinking about their baby.

‘Dan, are you okay?’ Katie looked at me, worry clouding her eyes. I released my grip on her arms, aware that it had tightened far more than I had intended it to.

‘Yes, yes I’m fine.’

‘You just saw a memory, didn’t you?’

‘I don’t know. Maybe.’

‘What happened?’

‘I’m not sure. It’s probably nothing.’

I reach for my wineglass take a sip, my hand shaking a little as I did.

‘Tell me anyway.’

‘Later, this night is about those two,’ I said gesturing to the soon-to-be parents.

‘Okay,’ she said, understanding. ‘Let’s talk about it tonight when we’re home. Promise?’

‘Of course.’

I pushed my troubled thoughts away and made myself continue with the evening. Once the firework display was over we made our way back inside and chatted for about an hour more before we could see Rachael getting tired. I went upstairs to give Thomas a kiss on his head and he mumbled dream-like words in his sleep that had no true form. We said our goodbyes, congratulating Rachael and Sean again and thanked them for a great night before we began our fifteen-minute walk home through the town centre that was full of happy revellers, most of them wishing us a happy new year. We left High Street and turned onto Maiden Lane that cut through to Blackfriars Street where St George’s Church stood, uplit and majestic. The quiet lane offered a chance for us to talk uninterrupted so I told Katie what I saw when the song came on.

‘I’ve not seen anything so vivid before. Usually it’s just a flash of one thing but I saw so many different things. I heard my father. I’m sure of it. It was his voice. And those words. I can remember them, but I have no idea what they mean.’

I spelt out the letters that I could still see in my mind and Katie struggled to understand them too. The arrangement wasn’t something either of us knew.

‘Try Google,’ she suggested. I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t thought of that already. Punching the letters in there was an immediate hit. It stopped me in my tracks.

‘Dan, what is it?’

‘France,’ I said, my confusion clear in my voice.

‘Sorry?’

‘Those words, it’s the name of a place in France.’