Читать книгу Freaks - Darren Craske - Страница 11

I am in the doctor’s surgery again.

The woman opposite is holding a dog-eared magazine about celebrities. But she is not thinking about the celebrities, she is not even reading it. No, she is thinking, worrying, about the man who’s sitting to her right. She has looped her bag strap over her arm, to protect it. He intimidates her. It’s his head, it’s because it’s shaven and it’s because he’s so thin. She thinks he’s a junkie. Thinks that he needs to steal.

He, Shaven-head, is not thinking about stealing or about the woman. He is thinking about his cancer. He is thinking about his wife, and his children, and he is desperately trying to not cry. He is terrified and he is lost. He is drowning. He is playing a hopeful song in his head, drumming his fingers to its beat. He might survive.

A few chairs along sits a girl. So pretty and too thin. She hurts herself, starves herself. It makes her feel better. It is the only thing that makes her feel better – it works. And if her mother wasn’t outside, waiting for her in the car, then she wouldn’t be here at all. Her appointment will be a waste of time. She knows what she’ll tell the doctor. She’s a clever one, her. I like her. I smile.

She sees.

And she smiles back.

This is unexpected and for a moment I am stunned.

She looks away quickly. Too surprised to be embarrassed. She’s worried that I’m thinking she’s ugly, but I’m not. I like her. And she likes me – at least, she thinks she might. She doesn’t know. She’s scared. Confused. Feels fat.

I hear her turning it over in her mind. I can hear the static, the storm, the thunder of her worry.

‘If he smiles at me again,’ she says to herself, in her head, ‘then maybe I’ll stop. Maybe I’ll change. Maybe this person’s good. Maybe this is who I’ve waited for. Maybe this is who I need. Maybe. Maybe. I’m so scared.’

I hear the static in her brain.

‘I will look at him,’ she says, and even in her head her voice is shaky and weak. ‘I will be brave. I will take a risk. I will be strong. I need this. I want something. Maybe this could be good. I am so scared.’

I can feel her head spinning. I can feel her fear; it’s making a fist in my stomach.

She prepares herself.

Counts down. Starts at ten, then nine, then eight. She’s so scared.

Of course, I know when she’ll look, and I know what I have to do when she does.

So I ready myself. But I’m scared as well. I didn’t expect this.

I want to smile back. I want to smile at her.

I don’t want to let her down. This could be the start of something.

Be brave, I tell myself as she counts four, then three, then two. Be brave.