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PEYTON PLACE

A HAIKU SOAP OPERA

Episodes 1–31, released on DVD May 19, 2009

1

Dolorous premiere.

Worth it for tidal wave of

Dorothy Malone’s hair.

2

Ryan O’Neal fresh

from shower. Eyes glued to bare

chest, bulge in towel.

3

Betty has morning

sickness; Rod and Allison,

a date; Norm, wet pits.

4

Every episode

that same couple keeps crossing

the street, hand in hand.

5

Malone mugs with her

jaw, open mouth. O’Neal takes

off his tennis shirt.

6

Small-town slut Betty

ditches buff Bud to chase Rod,

the hunk who dumped her.

7

“Stars, I have seen them

fall . . .” Dreamy Mia Farrow

quotes A.E. Housman.

8

Who’s she quoting now?

Something about leaves and snow.

No hits on Google.

9

Close-up of Barbara’s

pained face. Pause DVD. Count

every single mole.

10

Contagious coiffure:

a surfer could shoot the curl

in Betty’s mom’s hair.

11

Betty finally tells

Rod she’s preggers, but car crash

should take care of that.

12

Blonde nurse looks like she

was separated at birth

from Julia Stiles.

13

First she can’t tell him

that she’s knocked up, now she can’t

tell him that she’s not.

14

If you had to choose:

Connie’s art or the owl lamp

at the Anderson’s?

15

Despite his bad hair,

Norman’s hot. Great playground shot:

his ass in white pants.

16

Can we talk about

Constance MacKenzie’s big fat

black false eyelashes?

17

The only title

in paperback rack I can

make out is The Robe.

18

Watched this episode

twice and still can’t come up with

idea for haiku.

19

At the hospital,

everyone’s too worried to

notice the Grant Wood.

20

Odd frame: Norman bent

over water fountain. Is

he giving Dad head?

21

So much depended

upon sponsors: Peyton Place is brought to you by . . .

22

Note the orderly.

No lines, but that look he gives

Malone speaks volumes.

23

Lies, secrets, gossip

and fucked-up families make this

black-and-white world tick.

24

Both brothers shirtless

in Norman’s bedroom. Who cares

what’s in Mother’s will.

25

Did Dorothy dream I’d

gape, forty-five years later,

at her queer blonde hair?

26

For days I haven’t

been able to get the theme

song out of my head.

27

After the credits,

autumn leaves litter the path.

Jealous George gets smashed.

28

Full moon, mist, Rossi

filmed through the neck of a lab

flask. Very arty.

29

Morality, truth,

courage, integrity—big

words for the small screen.

30

Will George see a shrink?

Carson be paroled? Connie

have a cavity?

31

Confessions and hard

facts, secret exits. Fake snow,

I have seen it fall.

This is the continuing story of Peyton Place . . .