Читать книгу Finding the Sun Through the Clouds - Dawnmarie Deshaies - Страница 19

Chapter 14

The Breakup

A couple of months before the wedding, I placed the plans on hold. I felt like things were moving too fast, and to be honest, I feared losing myself. Who would I be after I got married? This was the question. Would I still be loyal to my inherent nature? I sure as hell wasn’t going to change anything about myself to be the perfect wife. If Robert really loved me, he would accept me for how I was. He would never try to Band-Aid my body and mind up, no matter how hard his instinct was urging to fix an elegant piece of art like myself. I kept asking myself, Would I be just a housewife and do whatever Robert told me? I didn’t want to lose my independence. I thought, if I was meant to be single forever because I couldn’t find a happy medium, then I could be content with my life. But even with these emerging thoughts and questions, I really loved Robert. I didn’t like feeling like he was controlling me. I thought long and hard, and this was not easy for me. At that time, I thought I was better off by myself. The breakup of our engagement was hard for me, so I did what I knew best. I stayed focused on work. The breakup all but destroyed Robert, and he contemplated moving away to California with Anthony to get away and heal from this seemingly almost-irreparable damage, little to my knowledge. I worked to push down my feelings so they wouldn’t hurt me. I worked long hours to keep my mind forced on other things, and when I found myself thinking I made a mistake, I wanted Robert back in my life. I worked harder and longer hours to stay focused on moving forward with my life, but deep down inside, I knew he was the infamous one. I didn’t want to admit it, that stubborn bull raging inside of me. I didn’t want to lose the person I fought to become. Did I even understand what I had forged my being into yet? Who was this woman I was clinging on to so hard? Was I ever meant to live a life by myself? Did I not deserve to live a life full of love and happiness and find a balance between both worlds?

Robert wasn’t doing well at all. He stopped eating, and all his friends lashed at me for breaking his big yet fragile heart. The breakup felt like china glass shattering into a million broken pieces across the floor of his life.

Absolute devastation.

After two months apart, I was driving my car back from a friend’s house. As I pulled into my complex, Robert was standing at my car door. This totally scared the shit out of me—I might have even peed my pants a little. In a fit of rage, I yelled at him and said I was going to get a restraining order to keep him away from me. He pleaded to give him a chance and asked me to talk. I said no because I thought it was better if we weren’t together. I was really stubborn. Damn that bull inside me. Later that night, he stood outside of my bedroom window in the snow, looking up. As I was getting ready for bed, I was pulling down my curtain when I saw him, like a stranded puppy, alone in the snow, waiting for his owner to come grab him. I opened the window and told him to go to the gate and I would let him in. His damn puppy face was just too adorable. He came into my apartment. My roommate had left, so we could talk freely. We hugged, and he said, “Dawnmarie, I can’t live without you!” I started to cry, and the next thing, we were talking about everything that had happened after our breakup. I asked him to stay the night with me. After seeing him, I knew I was missing him in my life and that I still loved him.

Okay, so everybody has seen The Notebook, based on a book by Nicholas Sparks, right? Well, we made love like never before that night. Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling have nothing on Robert and me compared to their scene in the rain when Gosling’s character states, “I did write all these years.” We had snow, so beat that, Nicholas Sparks. Where are my movie rights? It indeed was something better than any romance film. He told me he was moving to California because life without me was heartbreaking. And he needed to move on with his life in a new location. I asked when, and he said next week. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. I wanted him to know that I genuinely missed him. We spent every day together before he left for his new life without me in California. We had a week to remember. He took me to expensive dinners, took me shopping, brought me flowers, and we laughed like when we first met. We were living life again like before. I fell deeper in love with him all over again. How could I let him go? Life was great until the planning of the wedding and all the outside stresses reeled in. People were trying to tell us how to be and what to do; everyone was telling us we were moving too fast. I felt I was losing myself, but it was Robert I was losing myself to.