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1985

Friday 21st June

Narene and I went to the Republic Hotel. Wayne, Ian, (friend of Wayne’s) Narene and I were by the bar. I went and sat at a table and Wayne came over and raved to me. He said he’d wanted to ‘crack onto me’ (this phrase was part of the vernacular of the young in 1985) at the Mentals concert. When he said that, I vaguely remembered on that night a thin dark looking guy standing at the fringes of our group, staring at me. Narene, Wayne and I danced then he was supposed to come over our place but Michael (on again off again boyfriend), Narene and I went to Impies (Imperial Hotel) and I didn’t see Wayne again that night.

Friday 16th August

Narene and I went to the Flye Inn then as we were walking to Impies we ran into Julian (friend of Wayne’s) and Wayne and they followed us to Impies. Wayne sat beside me at the bar and raved on again about how he wanted to go out with me, that he was attracted to me and didn’t know why and he asked what my ‘scene with Michael was’. He then said he’d wait until ‘I sorted my head out’ and then pursue me.

Wednesday 28th August

I went to bed at midnight and Wayne turned up but I only talked to him through my bedroom window. He later said he knew from that moment on that I didn’t want him otherwise I would have just invited him into my bedroom then. He said he wouldn’t try again.

I remember while writing this entry originally that on that night I was annoyed by Wayne’s presence at the unit every day and the fact that he was never giving notice prior to visiting. # I was also annoyed that Wayne had assumed that he could come to my bedroom window whenever he pleased and I would welcome him in as though his was normal behaviour. Not inviting him in that night shows that my instinct about Wayne (his persona had lately felt a little ‘off’) was working properly at the time. However, the more he pursued me with his declarations of love and adoration, the more my ability to be objective and see through him, disappeared. I can’t believe that I fell for his ‘romancing’ which was essentially a form of stalking. Knowing that I let him into my life makes me feel disgusted and angry with myself for being so gullible and accepting of behaviours that initially had aggravated me.

Tuesday 10th September

Narene and I went up to the uni (University of Alka Springs) bistro on her moped. Wayne was there and came over and said that he only came over our place now because Bob (a friend of Wayne’s) wanted him to. He told me that he couldn’t come over as a friend anymore because he couldn’t accept being with me when he knew that I didn’t want to take things further. He then got really angry and uptight and left. # ‘So, we can’t even be friends,’ I thought.

His wanting and expecting exclusive commitment from me so soon after he’d met me is a crucial warning sign. It was all or nothing with him. He did not have the patience to watch our friendship perhaps develop romantically and was often frustrated and annoyed that I was not moving emotionally at the same pace that he was. Or should I say I was not tolerating nor accepting of his control as rapidly as he would have liked me to.

Monday 14th October

Narene told me Bob is trying to match-make Wayne with me as he’s rapt in me. Wayne had told him at the Flye Inn that he was in love with me.

When I heard this, I thought that maybe I could give Wayne a chance. I was doomed not to have anyone else (this was my pathetic thinking at that time). Michael must have had a new girlfriend as I never saw him out at night and Bill (another man who had previously expressed a desire to further our friendship) was neatly tucked away with his new girlfriend. And now Narene, my best friend, had Bob. I felt so strongly that I was alone and left out and that feeling made me a little desperate.

Tuesday 15th October

Wayne turned up tonight and we watched a movie but he kept trying to talk over the dialogue saying ‘This is boring. I came over to talk not sit staring at the TV.’ He left at 10, halfway through the movie. Later in bed I had a horrible dream about black magic and Wayne brutally murdering these people and also trying to kill Nareen and myself in our flat. I woke feeling depressed from the dream and remained depressed the following day. I remember feeling low because of the sense I got from the dream that Wayne could be capable of violence even though he had not openly exhibited such tendencies. Despite that feeling I still examined what of my behaviours caused him to leave suddenly last night. This too, contributed to my dejection.

This was one of many episodes of depression at the time that left me vulnerable to being preyed upon by Wayne, a control addict dressed in amenable, sociable and attentive clothes.

Wednesday 23rd October

Wayne has been coming over every day, of course without prior notice. # When I casually mentioned that it might be helpful if he could let me know that he’d be visiting he brushed my comment aside, saying that he was being spontaneous and so enamoured that he just had to see me and didn’t have time to ask for my permission to see me. Tonight, he said I was so crazy and different he couldn’t work me out. We are getting along really well and he’s very affectionate. It’s great for a change having a male that’s rapt in me.

Later counselling showed me that his overly attentive behaviour, while flattering at the time, was really a systematic grooming of me to ensure my absolute loyalty. #

Friday 25th October

Wayne and I were now boyfriend and girlfriend. He came over early and woke me and I cooked him breakfast.

Tonight he, Narene, Ian and I walked to Jenny’s (a friend of Wayne’s) where a party was happening. Everyone kept coming over to Wayne and I on the lounge shaking Wayne’s hand and saying: ‘You have a new woman, good for you.’ Al (friend of Wayne’s) got us Bourbons but after the first one I felt sick. I went outside as I felt uncomfortable with Michael (my old boyfriend who was also at the party) on the other side of the lounge room staring at me. Two guys came outside and sat down beside me chatting and Wayne came out just then. He said: ‘Are you ready to leave?’ in a filthy voice and gave us all filthy looks to go with the voice. He was well and truly angry with me. He’s so jealous. # We walked home and had sex despite how sick I was. #

Never in our relationship did I use sex to manipulate Wayne. Rather he used it as a weapon to manipulate me. Later I noticed a pattern where Wayne would demand sex whenever he was jealous of other men or when he was feeling unsure of my affection because I’d done something that didn’t suit him. His sexual domination together with my acquiescence to his demands increased his sense of security.

Saturday 26th October

Wayne said he hoped we’d stay together as he really liked and trusted me. I think I’m starting to like him but I’m sure I’m boring him as he seems to get down and rather quiet when he’s around me. I still find it hard to talk to him; he’s not open to me and hardly listens to me. #

I didn’t realise it at the time but Wayne had unrealistic expectations of our relationship and very different ideas to me regarding what I should have said and done to make him feel better (another crucial warning sign). He expected perfection from me wherein I was supposed to provide scintillating conversation even though he often told me how boring I was or that I was such a ‘ball and chain’ that he was justified in not making conversation with me at all. He expected and demanded that I wait on him, obey him, in short, meet his every need. These needs extended to feeding his voracious appetite for sex and to dress provocatively both at home and in public. The bugbear with the latter was that I would dress to go out in high heels, stockings and short, tight dresses as per his instructions, feel utterly uncomfortable in this style of dress and as the night progressed, increasingly distraught because Wayne would become belligerent and abusive due to the stares and attention I’d receive from other males. Wayne would inevitably accuse me of encouraging other men when it was him who had forced me to wear such clothes in the first place! Alternatively, he would often accuse me of being slovenly and that I should ‘dress up’ more to enhance my looks. He constantly told me that I was ‘ugly’ when dressed in house clothes, the inference being that if I made the effort to dress to his liking I would be much more appealing and worth his time and effort. Wayne seemed to think that if he continued to be hypercritical of my appearance (he constantly compared me to other girls he knew or to television personalities where I would fall far short of their looks and style) this would compel me to always look my best in his presence.

Saturday 2nd November

Went to a disco at the Grand (hotel) and I was happy. Wayne turned up and was distant and we hardly talked. He said: ‘I saw you in a car earlier with Dave and Carl,’ (both friends of Wayne’s) and he became annoyed and ignored me then. As we were leaving the Grand the aforementioned Dave gave me a hug and kiss and Wayne accused me of ‘pashing him off’. In his caravan (Wayne lived in his parent’s van in their backyard as he couldn’t afford a rental while he was in a low paying job at the time) he said he was so angry about me being in Dave’s car and not letting him know. # All I had done was get a lift downtown with the man. He became really agitated and in a dirty mood and said: ‘I don’t know where your morals are. All women are the same.’ He then screamed: ‘I hate you all and I’m always getting hurt by you bitches.’ # Every time I’d say something to defend myself or to try to calm him he’d yell at me that he didn’t trust me and couldn’t handle being hurt again. He wouldn’t listen to me when I said the kiss was nothing to worry about and he yelled that he wouldn’t forget it and he should go and flirt with a chick in front of me and see how I liked it. We got around to having sex after that, at his insistence, but I was so uptight from his yelling at me that I couldn’t ‘perform’ well. Sleep eluded me also so I tried to get Wayne to talk about it but he wouldn’t, he just kept saying: ‘You forget about it. I know I won’t.’ I despair when guys are angry and won’t talk about their feelings or build mountains of meaning from insignificant events. # Wayne’s behaviour is so typical of that, he is full of pride and paranoia about women. He was shouting so loud his parents would have heard it all but when I mentioned that to him later (about his yelling being heard) he brushed it off and said they scream at each other all the time so it’d make no difference to them. I went to sleep at 3am. This incident was one of many interrogations I’d endured by Wayne regarding who I’d talked to that day, where I’d been and what I’d done with whom. He often implied that I needed his permission for whatever I’d planned to do on the day and that I was somehow being underhanded if I did not seek this permission. # He would also see any innocent gesture of affection that I’d give to other males as indicative of my loose morals or as evidence of an imminent break-up with him. Even though yet another meaningless event (my lift with Dave) had been blown out of all proportion, given his assumptions of my lowly character, he was in his mind justified in verbally and sexually abusing me.

Thursday 12th December

Wayne rang again tonight before we went out (I’d gone to the Gold Coast to see family for Christmas and had only been there for four days) and asked me if I’d gotten the letter from him saying how much he missed me and how he was depressed and couldn’t stop thinking about when we’d be back together and out raging. Then he got angry for my not calling him first # and said I sounded like I had a cold. Last time he rang he’d asked me if I was drunk. Said he hated talking to me on the phone and wasn’t used to it. Then he said: ‘I’m coming up in the van Friday night and I’ll be there Saturday morning,’ because he didn’t like me ‘hanging around all those millionaires’.

Despite ‘hiccups’ we were still together at the closing of 1985. In my mind, I was lucky to be with anyone at all. I knew he had problems, but they seemed to be minor ones which might be ironed out the longer we were together. I was seeing the relationship in the context of Wayne being ‘normal’ while he saw me in a completely different way as someone who would put up with his abusive behaviour and therefore, useful to him. As I write this I begin to understand that already my sense of reality was skewed to his advantage. His abuse though not violent yet, was insidiously soul-destroying. Worse than that I justified Wayne’s behaviour and felt that the longer we were together the more I would convince him of my ability to improve his life, and in so doing, prove my usefulness to him.