Читать книгу Whose Life is it Anyway? - Deborah Thomson - Страница 8

Preface

Abuse of a person may be threefold. First, there is the direct abuse by the perpetrator. Abuse can also take the form of a complete lack of remorse by the abuser and their refusal to apologise for their actions or recognise their fault at all. Thirdly, abuse may occur when friends, family or the general public, after finding out about the domestic violence, aim condemnation and judgment at the sufferer for either staying with the abuser or leaving and then returning to the perpetrator. Thus, abuse may be indirectly perpetrated when people around the victim are aware of the violence but choose to ignore it, often arguing that it’s a domestic issue or none of their business. Overall, the judgment of others, the stigma associated with being a victim of domestic violence and the accompanying feeling of being a pariah in society compound the self-hatred and low self-esteem of the victim. Rather than judgment, compassion and support from others is most necessary.

Throughout the relationship, I felt utter contempt for myself partly because I accepted his abuse but also because his violence did not compel me to leave when it should have. Wayne took my personal contempt and ran with it, using it for his own abusive purposes. In my mind, I had legitimate reasons to stay, irrespective of the abuse I’d received. This should have alerted me to just how dangerous my capacity for self-deception was. I was emotionally, sexually and physically assaulted on numerous occasions yet continued to justify Wayne’s behaviour to myself. Because self-deception is often a primary causal factor in an abused person’s decision to stay, it is imperative that outside professional help is sought as quickly as possible into an abusive relationship to clarify what is really happening between persecutor and victim. I hope that readers who may currently find themselves in situations similar to mine will recognise the importance of keeping a clear mind and the ability to see the abuse as others see it: reprehensible and extremely difficult to fix in isolation.

There are reasons shared by the majority of abusers as to why they abuse others. An abuser may have had continued exposure to others in the family being abused. Repeated exposure will result in abusive behaviour becoming ‘normalised’ and the child sees these behaviours as an inevitable part of the family dynamics, the way arguments are resolved between family members. Abusing family members becomes a learned behaviour in adulthood. Perhaps they themselves were abused in childhood and to resolve this abuse they use matching abusive measures in adulthood.

An abuser may have an untreated disorder such as anti-social personality disorder or a psychopathy where they derive pleasure from witnessing others’ pain especially when they are the ones inflicting the pain.

There may be unresolved anger issues that result in anger becoming uncontrolled and unmanaged. Poor impulse control, unresolved trauma or drug and alcohol abuse together with excessive pent-up anger invariably lead to a ‘short fuse’ whereby the smallest or totally unrelated event triggers an outward explosive display of anger that seemingly comes from nowhere.

Abusers often lack empathy, are narcissistic or lack an accurate perception of reality; they can’t see their own behaviour as abusive so they keep doing it.

In the majority of cases, abusers have control issues; they have to be in charge and remain in control by using domination and intimidation (www.pro.psychocentral.com, 2017). Acknowledging why certain people abuse others does not justify behaviours. However, understanding the abuse and recognising it for what it really is will help the abused take positive steps to remove themselves from abusive situations.

There are crucial warning signs that domestic violence (defined by professional social workers as the systematic, wilful pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another) is occurring within the relationship.

Crucial signs indicative of abuse include:

Exclusive commitment – There is a strong pressure from the other for exclusive commitment in the relationship. The abuser comes on strong, quickly, and often threatens to leave if you don’t move in with them.

Jealousy - The abuser is constantly jealous. Prior to living with you, they call or visit often, usually without notice.

Controlling behaviours – These behaviours can take the form of interrogations such as constantly asking where you’ve been or who you’ve seen that day. You are required to get permission to go somewhere or do something. This often happens very early in a relationship.

Psychological abuse – This is a form of manipulation which leads to the victim losing their sense of reality and ability to discern unacceptable from acceptable behaviours. Very quickly this ability is diminished to the point where you accept abusive behaviour as something normal.

Unrealistic expectations - Abusers want perfection from you and expect you to meet their every need (even though it is often impossible to know what they expect or what their needs are as both continually change, often rapidly). You are expected to live your life for the sole purpose of fulfilling their needs, to obey, serve and wait on the abuser. Hypercriticism is a frequent component of this trait which leads to constant put-downs exemplified by phrases such as: ‘I love you, but …’

Isolation - You find yourself increasingly isolated from your friends and family. As this happens, the abuser also refuses to communicate with you unless on their own terms. They ignore or exclude you or they constantly speak to you using sarcasm or belittling tones.

Refusal to admit responsibility - Others are always to blame. The abuser never believes they are at fault. This is another form of mental abuse where the abuser convinces you that you are solely to blame for the abuse and that it is your responsibility alone to change. You are made responsible for their feelings: you must make them feel better, you make them angry. Comments such as: ‘I wouldn’t act this way if you didn’t …’ and similar ones are recurrent.

Emotional control - Guilt-trips are commonly used to control you. Abusers dictate the way you feel and withdraw their affection if you don’t act the way they want you to.

Hypersensitivity / Victimisation - Abusers are hypersensitive, ranting and raving about the injustices they experience that are actually just a part of living.

Mood swings - They have sudden mood swings, from anger to calm and vice versa in a matter of minutes. When calm, the abuser will usually deny that an abusive incident occurred or they will diminish its import.

Cruelty - They can be cruel to animals and/or children or those weaker than them.

Abusive sexual behaviours - When sex is forceful the abuser says it is ‘play’. You are forced to engage in unwanted sex.

History of violence - There is a past history of battery. They may admit it but will insist that the other person brought it on themselves.

Threats - Abusers often use threats of violence to obtain what they want from you. They might say: ‘I’ll shoot you if you don’t …’ then dismiss the threat or argue they didn’t mean it. Another commonly used threat is: ‘If you don’t …, I will …’

These crucial signs of abuse in the home were frequent in my relationship with Wayne. The first nine of the signs above dominated our relationship between 1985 and 1989 with intermittent physical violence defining the relationship. The latter years, as Wayne gained greater control and therefore an increased sense of security, became dominated by physical and sexual violence although the emotional and psychological abuse continued.

The warning signs above are shown throughout the book by the symbol # and linked to events which, by their nature, exemplify an abuser’s behaviour. This system will hopefully clarify the ways in which crucial warning signs are manifest in an abusive relationship. Perhaps by seeing specific examples, a victim of abuse will really understand just how precarious their safety is while they remain in the relationship. I also hope seeing those signs will make it harder for the victim to persist in the belief, even in their own mind, that they are not being abused, or that an abuser’s behaviour can be attributed to bad moods only. I have placed the symbol alongside only one or two examples that highlight each warning sign, rather than every example, to encourage free-flowing reading and to avoid cluttering the story itself.

As I write this, I am recovering from neurosurgery involving the clipping of two aneurysms (see photo above) that are highly likely to be the result of past head injuries from domestic violence incidents. The head wounds I got during the incidents—the first where my head was slammed into a brick wall thrice, the second where I was tackled, with my forehead hitting the bitumen road—coincided with the areas in my brain where the aneurysms sit, so one can reasonably conclude that domestic violence caused the aneurysms to develop. The surgeons are in agreement, concurring that aneurysms are most likely to result either from head injury or a genetic predisposition, which I do not have. Recovery is slow and painstaking. I was extremely ill during the first fortnight in hospital, hardly able to lift my head from the pillow and for many days managing to eat only three spoonsful of soup.

It has now been a further two weeks since returning home and I have to be assisted with everything as my right eyelid is still closed from the trauma of the operation. The inability to see properly is impacting on my mobility and my mental state. My dependence on others to care for me and the snail-like progress of my recovery compels me to implore persons in abusive relationships to leave early before something similar happens to them. If I had been made aware of the warning signs pointing to an abuser’s profile early in my relationship, I would have been far more likely to leave before sustaining the head injuries that caused this current nightmare.