Читать книгу Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus - Джон Грей - Страница 15

When a woman resists a man’s solutions he feels his competence is being questioned. As a result he feels mistrusted, unappreciated, and stops caring. His willingness to listen understandably lessens.

By remembering that women are from Venus, a man at such times can instead understand why she is resisting him. He can reflect and discover how he was probably offering solutions at a time when she was needing empathy and nurturing.

Here are some brief examples of ways a man might mistakenly invalidate feelings and perceptions or offer unwanted solutions. See if you can recognize why she would resist.

1 “You shouldn’t worry so much.”

2 “But that is not what I said.”

3 “It’s not such a big deal.”

4 “OK, I’m sorry. Now can we just forget it.”

5 “Why don’t you just do it?”

6 “But we do talk.”

7 “You shouldn’t feel hurt, that’s not what I meant.”

8 “So what are you trying to say?”

9 “But you shouldn’t feel that way.”

10 “How can you say that? Last week I spent the whole day with you. We had a great time.”

11 “OK, then just forget it.”

12 “All right, I’ll clean up the backyard. Does that make you happy?”

13 “I got it. This is what you should do.”

14 “Look, there’s nothing we can do about it.”

15 “If you are going to complain about doing it, then don’t do it.”

16 “Why do you let people treat you that way? Forget them.”

17 “If you’re not happy then we should just get a divorce.”

18 “All right, then you can do it from now on.”

19 “From now on, I will handle it.”

20 “Of course I care about you. That’s ridiculous.”

21 “Would you get to the point?”

22 “All we have to do is …”

23 “That’s not at all what happened.”

Each of these statements either invalidates or attempts to explain upset feelings or offers a solution designed suddenly to change her negative feelings to positive feelings. The first step a man can take to change this pattern is simply to stop making the above comments (we explore this topic more fully in chapter 5). To practice listening without offering any invalidating comments or solutions is, however, a big step.

By clearly understanding that his timing and delivery are being rejected and not his solutions, a man can handle a woman’s resistance much better. He doesn’t take it so personally. By learning to listen, gradually he will experience that she will appreciate him more even when at first she is upset with him.