Читать книгу Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus - Джон Грей - Страница 36

Jim particularly needed to learn how to respect her boundaries, while Susan needed to learn how to set them. Both of them needed to learn how to express honest feelings in a respectful way. They agreed in this third step to practice setting and respecting limits, knowing that at times they would make mistakes. Being able to make mistakes gave them a safety net while they both practiced. These are some examples of what they learned and practiced:

 Susan practiced saying “I don’t like the way you are talking. Please stop yelling or I will leave the room.” After leaving the room a few times, she didn’t need to do it anymore.

 When Jim would make requests that she would later resent doing, she practiced saying “No, I need to relax” or “No, I’m too busy today.” She discovered that he was more attentive to her because he understood how busy or tired she was.

 Susan told Jim that she wanted to go on a vacation, and when he said he was too busy she said that she would go alone. Suddenly he shifted his schedule and wanted to go.

 When they talked and Jim interrupted, she practiced saying “I’m not finished, please hear me out.” Suddenly he started listening more and interrupting less.

 Susan’s most difficult task was to practice asking for what she wanted. She said to me, “Why should I have to ask, after all I have done for him?” I explained that making him responsible for knowing her wants was not only unrealistic but a big part of her problem. She needed to be responsible for getting her needs fulfilled.

 Jim’s most difficult challenge was to be respectful of her changes and not expect her to be the same accommodating partner he originally married. He recognized that it was as difficult for her to set limits as it was for him to adjust to them. He understood that they would become graceful as they had more practice.

As a man experiences limits, he is motivated to give more. Through respecting limits, he automatically is motivated to question the effectiveness of his behavior patterns and to start making changes. When a woman realizes that in order to receive she needs to set limits, then automatically she begins to forgive her partner and explore new ways of asking for and receiving support. When a woman sets limits, she gradually learns to relax and receive more.