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The Eureka! Way of Life requires that you be EXCITED, AWARE, PASSIONATE, and ENTHUSIASTIC. It requires that you not be BRAIN DEAD!

Being brain dead is being dull and terminally serious. If you want to experience brain death, ask an insurance salesman to explain the difference between term and whole life insurance. Or make an appointment at a funeral parlor to discuss advance payment programs.

“It’s your brain. Use it or lose it.”

– Richard Saunders

Under the Eureka! Way of Life, it’s advisable to avoid exposure to the brain dead. Here are 10 dead giveaways for identifying brain-dead individuals:

1. They don’t observe the holidays of April 1 and Oct. 31.

2. Their fingers point in only one direction—away from themselves.

3. Their doors are closed, their shades are drawn, and they cast no reflections.

4. The family pictures on their desks are studio portraits, not snapshots.

5. They think Dr. Seuss is a pediatrician.

6. They’re rude to waitresses and waiters.

7. They wish children would “just grow up.”

8. They once had an original thought, but decided it was gas.

9. They have chapped lips from kissing the boss’ butt.

10. They get wicked mad when you tickle them.

The brain-dead are everywhere. I once encountered one at an outdoor summer concert of the Cincinnati Pops Orchestra. It so happened I had a half dozen bottles of soap bubbles on my person. A handful of 10-year-olds nearby looked bored, so I gave each a bottle.

It was an enchanted evening. As the fireflies flickered and the orchestra played an arrangement of Tchaikovsky’s Symphony No. 5 in E Minor Opus 64, those of us who were so equipped blew bubbles.

Then we noticed Brain Dead Man, sitting cross-legged on his blanket. As our bubbles floated by, he scowled and swatted at them.

My jaw fell open. The kids shrugged and took their bubbles elsewhere.

Those who embrace the Eureka! Way of Life are not big on rules. For the most part, we regard a rule as an item to break, bend, circumvent, spindle, fold, mutilate, vault over, limbo under, or otherwise grind into a fine powder.

But there are exceptions. And while the notions of innocence and a spirit of adventure are overall life goals, a number of more tactical precepts—call them rules if you must—are available to help you enhance your creativity.

So whereby we, the people, seek to recapture the hope, faith and innocence of childhood, and whereby we strive diligently for purity of thought and freshness of idea, we hereby hold the following truths to be self-evident—the first being: