Читать книгу Family Ties That Bind - Dr Ronald W. Richardson - Страница 13

As mentioned, when one person in a relationship is anxious about differences, he or she usually tries to get the other person to change. Betta tries to get Stefan to be a talker like she is and Stefan tries to get Betta to be a loner like he is. The pressure is on for more sameness. However, it’s not easy to change someone else, as those who have been trying for 50 years will testify. Usually, those being asked (ordered) to change respond in one of four basic ways. They will —

(a) comply,

(b) rebel,

(c) attack, or

(d) cut off.

These four ways of reacting are discussed in detail below. You may recognize some or possibly all of these tactics as having been used in your family. You may even recognize some you have used yourself. Most of us use them all at one time or another depending on the circumstances, but we usually have a favorite.

Whether you are the changer or the changee, it is important to realize that these strategies are common ways of reacting when there is a demand for change. They do not happen in isolation. No one person is the good guy or the bad guy; we are all simply attempting to cope with our anxiety about differences and the threats to our need for closeness or distance in the family. In this discussion about these strategies, the focus tends to be on spouses, but the same things happen in other relationships, intimate or casual.