Читать книгу Family Ties That Bind - Dr Ronald W. Richardson - Страница 14

The compliant ones react to a demand for sameness by pretending there really are no differences. This is seen most commonly in marriages where the couple presents a united front to the world; even their own kids don’t know what they really feel. They avoid conflict because it emphasizes differences; togetherness is their ideal. These people may be more or less aware of their needs for separateness and difference but they think these needs are wrong and destructive to the relationship, so they ignore them. These couples appear to have a good marriage because they never fight. However, they often find other ways to assert themselves. The bedtime headache-to-avoid-sex cliché‚ is just one example of the power of a compliant wife. She is able to deny to herself and to him that there is any conflict between them, while maintaining her separateness by claiming to be, or being, ill.

Example

Amanda and Abe took their 16-year-old daughter, Polly, to a therapist saying she had become “sexually promiscuous.” They denied having any problem in their marriage and said they were very happy with each other. When asked how they talk with Polly about sex and sexual feelings, they said they didn’t talk with her except to give prohibitions. When asked how they talk with each other about sex, they admitted that they didn’t, and that in fact they hadn’t had any sexual contact for a long time. Amanda said that she had never enjoyed sex. Abe said he had gotten this message from her and refrained from pursuing her sexually or even talking about it. He complied with her wish, and the anxiety about sex in the relationship was displaced onto the daughter whose symptoms pointed to where the problem was in the marriage.

Whatever form it takes, the basic need for compliant ones is “peace at any price.” They fear conflict and, especially, the separateness that this conflict would seem to indicate. It may appear that just one of the partners avoids conflict, but actually both have trouble with it and together, covertly and unconsciously, they use this approach to cope with their anxiety. Both fail to fully explore the other’s beliefs, principles, thoughts, and feelings about an issue. Instead, they deny the differences and never really get to know themselves or each other very well. They remain unaware of the advantages their differences may bring to problem solving.

Remember, the compliant one is not necessarily without power. There is a great deal of power in being the apparently powerless underdog, in being the one who sacrifices self for others and says, “Don’t bother about me, you go ahead and do what you want.”

The underdogs have a talent for being able to create guilt in others, and they usually know how to use it well. There is usually some kind of “trade-off” for the underdog. Unconsciously the underdog thinks: “Okay, I’ll give in and go along on this and this and this, but you sure better come across later on that.” If you don’t come across, the underdog may risk the conflict by crying, “I did this and this and this for you and you won’t even do that for me!” Even if it doesn’t work this time, the underdog has added to your burden of guilt for next time.

One of the ways compliant ones deal with the lack of intimacy is to become very involved in something outside the marriage relationship. It could be in church or community activities, in an aging parent, in a hobby, or in a job. Many compliant mothers become overly involved with their children, which is usually damaging to both mother and child. Many children whose parents operate in a compliant manner with each other have difficulty later taking responsibility for themselves because the over-invested parent did everything for them. By being so involved with the children, the parents are able to avoid looking at and dealing with their own differences and needs for closeness or distance.

Compliant people are often the ones who become physically or emotionally ill. Their struggle to cope with differences might manifest itself in frequent headaches or back problems, a mild depression, alcoholism, an inability to hold a job, cancer, heart problems, or severe emotional disturbances that require institutionalization.

Example

Roberto had been an alcoholic for eight years. In his sober state, he couldn’t stand up for himself in his marriage. He was compliant with his wife the way he had been with his authoritarian mother. However, all that changed when he was drunk. Then he was full of rage and said things to his family that, everyone agreed, he wouldn’t say and couldn’t really mean when sober. As he learned to speak up for himself in the relationship and be more assertive, his drinking decreased dramatically.

QUESTIONS

1. Who used compliance in your family of origin? In what covert ways was the compliant one powerful? What were some of the trade-offs?

2. Are there ways today that you choose to be compliant rather than openly acknowledge the differences between you and someone else?

Of course, as you have probably guessed by now, the compliant person is not only taking care of his or her anxiety by being sick. The other person has the same level of anxiety; by being sick and providing a focus for all that anxiety, the compliant one helps keep things in balance. If the sick one gets well, the couple will work out some other way to avoid facing their differences.