Читать книгу Bullies, Bitches and Bastards - Eileen Condon - Страница 18

Insists continually that what you have is a casual relationship—even if you were both standing in front of a vicar intoning, ‘Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; never selfish.’ (Ahem.) In his head, he’s a single man. Well, you never know—something better might come along.

For now, though, there’s you. With a few provisos: he doesn’t do holidays, mini-breaks, dinner parties, birthdays, cinema or the theatre. He may occasionally do the pub, but won’t do restaurants, and he definitely doesn’t do Sunday lunch with your parents.

This man would rather stand in a crowded market in Basra than have a discussion about Where He Sees the Relationship Going. You have now ‘not being going out’ for five years—five years that could better have been spent with someone who doesn’t mind being seen out with you, actually enjoys your company, tells you (whisper it now) he loves you, and would like to be instrumental in fertilising your diminishing egg stock.

Oh, to meet him. Fat chance. The second INYBB sees your eyes wandering, he will dangle the carrot of commitment. ‘Let’s go round Asda together next Saturday.’ ‘Shall We call into Homebase and look at gazebos?’ ‘Oh, hold on a minute, have you seen this? Two beds, a garage, a garden and local amenities.’

Don’t get carried away — none of the above will happen. The ‘we’re not going out’ clause is still firmly in the contract. So, back to solo holidays, solitary walks, separate nights out and soliloquies.

The most you’ll get from your ‘boyfriend’ is an email telling you how much he’s missing you while you’re trekking the Machu Picchu trail on your lonesome. Or he’ll text Do you fancy coming over later? while you’re out with your friends, and then hide with the lights off when you do actually turn up at his door.

INYBB excuses his fear of commitment by mentioning that the last time he got serious, his ex was sectioned when he called it off. (The implication being that he’s so adorable women go mad if they can’t have him.) Track that girl down. She probably went nuts because of his constant on/off, push me/pull me nonsense.

Honestly, you’d think he was a playboy, having far too much fun to ditch it all for a wife and a semi in Welwyn Garden City. But INYBB lives alone, in a bleak flat, with a single divan and his pants and socks stuck to the radiator. What a catch.

You, strolling through T.K. Maxx, fingering the merchandise. Your phone rings.

INYBB: Hi! It’s me.

You: Oh, hello. You don’t usually ring me. What’s wrong?

INYBB (rashly): Look…listen…erm…what it is is someone gave me this voucher…buy one meal, get the second free at Izzzi’s…whatdyathink?

You (incredulously): What, us going?

INYBB (nervously): Well, yeah. Us. (Oh God. Us!)

You: Great. Yeah. Fantastic!

INYBB (starting to shake): Yeah…great…fantastic…yeah…er…

You: Tonight! Is it for tonight?

INYBB: Erm…(looking at voucher) just checking…actually…wait a minute, what’s the date here?

You (quickly): Doesn’t matter, let’s just go anyway. What time? Silence.

You: Hi? Are you still there?

INYBB: I think…what’s the date today? What does it say here? Something about…

You (disappointed): Oh, is there a cut-off date?

INYBB (like a flash): Yesss! Found it…here it is…it was yesterday…oh dear.

Say he does have a more severe lapse of concentration and—mercy me!—finds himself walking through a park with you. In front of other people.

You, strolling along with INYBB, slipping your arm happily through his and sighing.

You: So, do you fancy doing something tonight? Seems a shame to go home after such a lovely afternoon.

INYBB: Erm, well, I’ve got to get up early.

You: I wasn’t planning on staying over.

INYBB (Phew!): It’s just that I need to prepare that pitch.

You: What pitch? You’re an electrician.

INYBB: Just a bit exhausted.

You: Okay, well, how about I cook us something nice, get a DVD and then head home?

INYBB: Erm…oh look! A squirrel.

You: Shall I then?

INYBB: What?

You: Do what I just said?

INYBB: Look, I think we should just slow this down. It’s all going a bit too fast. (Running to the car park) We should just calm it down a bit. (Shouting through the car window as the tyres squeal away through the gates) I JUST NEED A BIT OF SPACE!