The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping our children thrive when the world overwhelms them
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Elaine N. Aron. The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping our children thrive when the world overwhelms them
the highly sensitive child
ELAINE N. ARON, PH.D
Copyright
Dedication
Contents
Introduction
THE REASON FOR THIS BOOK
HOW TO USE THIS BOOK
Is Your Child Highly Sensitive? A Parent’s Questionnaire
Chapter One. Sensitivity. A Better Light on “Shy” and “Fussy” Children
THE OPERATING MANUAL FOR YOUR CHILD
“DISCOVERING” HIGH SENSITIVITY
WHAT IS HIGH SENSITIVITY?
How HSCs Sort Oranges
Is It All or None?
Inside the Highly Sensitive Child
The Problem of Becoming Easily Overstimulated
If There Are So Many HSCs, Why Haven’t I Heard of This Before?
IS YOUR CHILD HIGHLY SENSITIVE?
So Why Is My Child Sensitive but Others Aren’t?
HOW THE HUMAN SPECIES WILL BENEFIT FROM YOUR HSC
Your Child Is Still Utterly Unique—Like Rhoda’s Three
WHY DO EVEN HSCS VARY SO MUCH?
THEN THERE IS EMILIO
Another Source of Variation—Two Competing Systems
Now It Really Gets Complicated—So Many Other Traits
CLEARING UP AGAIN THOSE OLD MISCONCEPTIONS
STILL UNSURE IF YOUR CHILD IS AN HSC?
HSCs and ADD
Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome
What to Do If You Are Not Sure
A FINAL WORD: HSCS ARE ON THE WAY TO SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS
APPLYING WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED. Appreciating Your Own Child
Chapter Two. Fasten Your Seat Belts. The Challenges of Raising an Exceptional Child
WITH AN HSC, YOU MAKE A BIGGER DIFFERENCE
GOODNESS OF FIT—EACH CHILD EXPERIENCES A DIFFERENT FAMILY, A DIFFERENT FIT
The Beagle and the Border Collie
Not Knowing How Makes Parenting Anything but Satisfying
DIFFICULT VERSUS EASY HSCs
The Vicious Cycle
Mitchell’s Mother Finally “Gets Out of Her Own Way”
THE SIX MOST COMMON PROBLEMS
1. Awareness of Subtleties
2. Being Easily Overstimulated and Overaroused
3. Deep Inner Reactions
4. Awareness of Others’ Feelings
5. Caution Before Proceeding in New, Possibly Dangerous Situations
6. Being Different—It Attracts Attention
THE JOYS THAT ONLY PARENTS OF HSCS KNOW
Chapter Three. When You the Parent Are Not Highly Sensitive. Blessings in Disguise
HIGH SENSITIVITY AND YOU, MOM AND DAD
A SPECIAL NOTE TO FATHERS
HIGH SENSITIVITY AND NOVELTY SEEKING
WHEN YOU AND YOUR CHILD HAVE QUITE DIFFERENT TEMPERAMENTS
“You Don’t Coddle Boys”
If You Are Not Highly Sensitive—The Many Benefits for Your HSC
Where the Not – Highly Sensitive Parent Has to Be Very Careful
What You Can Do to Make a Better Fit
When Your HSC Spots Your Weaknesses All Too Well
When You Stop Being the One Who Does All the Adapting
FINAL THOUGHTS
Are You Highly Sensitive? A Self-test*
Chapter Four. When You and Your Child Are Both Highly Sensitive. And What About the Rest of Your Family’s Temperament?
WHAT HIGHLY SENSITIVE PARENTS IN PARTICULAR GAIN FROM PARENTING
FIRST PRIORITY—YOUR OWN STABILITY
WHEN YOU AND YOUR CHILD ARE BOTH HIGHLY SENSITIVE
A Home with Few Hassles
Where a Highly Sensitive Parent Has to Be Careful
A Personal Story of Overidentification
What You Can Do
A Personal Case of Getting Over Guilt
WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE FAMILY?
When One Parent Is Sensitive and the Other Is Not
How HSCs Can Impact the Parental Partnership
Brothers and Sisters
The Story of Jacques
Handling Conflicts
Talking About Temperament in Your Family
A FINAL WORD
Chapter Five. Four Keys to Raising a Joyous HSC. Self-esteem, Shame Reduction, Wise Discipline, and Knowing How to Discuss Sensitivity
THE FIRST KEY—SELF-ESTEEM
The Four Kinds of Self-esteem
How to Promote Self-esteem
THE SECOND KEY—REDUCING SHAME
A Word in Defense of Shame
Avoiding Shame-Proneness
THE THIRD KEY—WISE DISCIPLINE
HSCs as Natural “Internalizers”
Preventing Discipline “Events”
The Basic Steps of Correcting an HSC
Some Additional Points
When You Finally Have to Use Real Discipline
When Your HSC Lies or Steals (It Will Happen)
When Conflicts Escalate
Preventing the Reasons for Rage
Things to Avoid
THE FOURTH KEY—KNOWING HOW TO DISCUSS SENSITIVITY
How to Discuss Sensitivity with Your Child
Talking About Your Child’s Sensitivity with Others
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES: ANOTHER WAY TO THINK ABOUT THESE FOUR KEYS TO RAISING A JOYOUS HSC
APPLYING WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED
Chapter Six. Off to the Right Start. Soothing and Attuning to Highly Sensitive Infants
NEWBORNS—HOW TO RECOGNIZE THE SENSITIVE ONES
Responsiveness—The Solution to Everything at This Age
How to Reduce an Infant’s General Stimulation
What to Do While Your Baby Cries
Do Not Underestimate Sensitive Newborns—They Know Your Every Mood; They Learn and Remember
TWO TO SIX MONTHS—HOW TO BE RESPONSIVE BUT NOT OVERSTIMULATING
Oh, to Be a Dutch Baby
Don’t Be a Parent Who Overstimulates
Sleep Problems Around Six Months
SIX MONTHS TO ONE YEAR—ATTACHMENT, ATTUNEMENT, AND SELF-REGULATION
Attachment and Your Sensitive Infant
ATTUNEMENT
Self-regulation
A FINAL WORD
Chapter Seven. Toddlers and Preschoolers at Home. Adapting to Change and Dealing with Overstimulation
COPING WITH CHANGE
Meet Alice
General Pointers for Helping Your Child Adapt to Changes (Both Transitions and New Circumstances)
Making Smooth Transitions
DEALING WITH OVERSTIMULATION
DEALING WITH INTENSE EMOTIONS
Now, What to Do
If the Meltdown Continues
Emotional Outbursts That Become Aggression Toward Other Children
REGARDING ONE-AND TWO-YEAR-OLDS
DEALING WITH ALL THOSE EVERYDAY PROBLEMS
LESS-OFTEN-THAN-DAILY ISSUES
A FINAL WORD ABOUT HSCs AT THIS AGE
Chapter Eight. Toddlers and Preschoolers Out in the World. Helping Them Feel Successful in New Situations
THE DIFFERENCES AMONG FEAR OF NOVELTY, FEAR OF STRANGERS, SHYNESS, AND PLAYING ALONE
THE NATURE OF FEAR IN NEW SITUATIONS AND HOW TO PREVENT IT
Building Confidence in Preschoolers
When Fear Is Not About Fear, but Anger
Helping Children Enter New Settings—Planning Ahead
ABOVE ALL, MAKE USE OF BEING ABLE TO TALK
Step-by-Step Help for Your Child in a New Situation
Following Up on an Excursion into a New Situation
FEAR OR HESITATION WITH OTHER CHILDREN AND ADULTS
Social Hesitancy May Be Normal, but Do Not Ignore It
What to Do in Order to Prevent or Reduce a Fear of Strangers
The Importance of Some Preschool Experience
Step-by-Step Help for Your Child in a New Social Setting or with Strangers
CHOOSING AN HSC-FRIENDLY PRESCHOOL, DAY CARE, OR NURSERY SCHOOL
Separating at Preschool
WHEN YOUR PEESCHOOL-AGED CHILD ENCOUNTERS SOMETHING WORTH FEARING
A FINAL WORD
Chapter Nine. School-Age HSCs at Home. Resolving Problems
SCHOOL AGE—THE TALENTS UNFOLD
YOUR SCHOOL-AGE HSC AT HOME
REDUCING THE STRESS IN YOUR HOME
Assessing the Stresses in Your HSC’s Life
Avoiding or Reducing Stress, Short-Term
Reducing Stress, Long-Term
PARENTING THE DIFFICULT HSCs
Managing the Moods of the Drama Queens and the Tough Rebels
APPLYING WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED
Chapter Ten. School-Age HSCs Out in the World. Helping Your Child Enjoy the Classroom and Social Life
WHAT HSCs FACE AT SCHOOL
CLASSROOMS—MIRROR OF A CULTURE’S IDEAL TEMPERAMENT
Homeschooling
SOCIAL LIFE AND SHYNESS
Helping Your Child Find a Friend
What the Shy Kids Themselves Say About How Parents Help
But Before Trying to Change Your HSC, Decide Your Values
Now Some Tips on Raising a (Relatively) Bold, Socially Accepted HSC
Special Situations—Such as Sleepovers
Other Ways to Promote Social Skills
MAKING SCHOOL LIFE FEEL GOOD
What You Can Do Even Before the First Day
What You Can Ask Teachers to Do
Other Pointers for Keeping School HSC-Friendly
THE ACADEMIC PART OF SCHOOL LIFE
If Your Child Is a Perfectionist
HSCs Who Are Less Than Perfectionists
Generalists and Specialists
WHEN YOUR CHILD IS BULLIED OR TORMENTED
HOW MARILYN HANDLED A BULLY
SO YOU HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR
APPLYING WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED
Chapter Eleven. Sensitive Adolescents and Young Adults. The Delicate Task of Launching a Spirited, Seaworthy Vessel
THE DEEP WATER AHEAD
HSCs—The Ideal Adolescents
The Sensitive Taxi Dispatcher
Is This Kid Sensitive?
Ideas to Keep in Mind When Dealing with Your Sensitive Teenager
What You Can Do
GETTING ALONG AT HOME
Privacy as Preparation for Leaving Home
Give Them All the Responsibility You Can
The First Job, the First Car
SURVIVING HIGH SCHOOL
Two Stories
Helping with the School Part of High School
College or No College Looms Early on the High School Horizon
But There’s More to Life Than Going to the Best College
SOCIAL LIFE
How Much Becomes Too Much
Dealing with the Hurts
Social Life and Sex—You Can’t Have One Without the Other
When Your HSC Does Not Have Much Social Life
THE INNER LIFE
THE LAUNCHING INTO YOUNG ADULTHOOD
When Your Sensitive Young Adult Asks Your Opinion
Scaling Down Plans That Seem Too Audacious
Upscaling Plans That Seem Too Cautious
NOW, YOUR OWN DEVELOPMENTAL TASK
Twenty Tips for Teachers
Resources. BOOKS ON TEMPERAMENT
A SELECTION OF BOOKS ON PARENTING GENERALLY
TEMPERAMENT WEBSITES
VIDEOS
Acknowledgments
Notes
CHAPTER 1: SENSITIVITY
CHAPTER 2: FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELTS
CHAPTER 3: WHEN YOU THE PARENT ARE NOT HIGHLY SENSITIVE
CHAPTER 5: FOUR KEYS TO RAISING A JOYOUS HSC
CHAPTER 6: OFF TO THE RIGHT START
CHAPTER 7: TODDLERS AND PRESCHOOLERS AT HOME
CHAPTER 8: TODDLERS AND PRESCHOOLERS OUT IN THE WORLD
CHAPTER 9: SCHOOL-AGE HSCS AT HOME
CHAPTER 10: SCHOOL-AGE HSCS OUT IN THE WORLD
CHAPTER 11: SENSITIVE ADOLESCENTS AND YOUNG ADULTS
About the Publisher
Отрывок из книги
Helping Our Children Thrive
When the World
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Your child is also probably not an HSC if there was no sensitivity or fearful reactions until a big stress or change in the child’s life—a new sibling, move, divorce, or change of caregivers, for example. If your child’s personality has undergone a sudden, persistent, disturbing change—such as becoming withdrawn, refusing to eat, developing obsessive fears, picking fights constantly, or developing a sudden, very negative self-image or sense of hopelessness—that needs to be checked by a professional team, which usually includes at least a child psychologist, child psychiatrist, and pediatrician. An HSC’s reactions are fairly consistent from birth, not a sudden change, and not purely negative.
HSCs have responses that are more pronounced than those of a non-HSC, but they are within the normal range for HSCs, and the normal range on most other behaviors. They start to talk and walk at about normal times, although slight delays are common in toilet training or giving up a pacifier. They are responsive to people as well as to their environment, and eager to communicate with those they know well. And while young HSCs may refuse to talk at school at first, they should be talking at home and with close friends—that is, they should be relaxed in familiar surroundings.
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