Читать книгу The Poet X – WINNER OF THE CILIP CARNEGIE MEDAL 2019 - Элизабет Асеведо - Страница 26

Questions I Have

Without Mami’s Rikers Island Prison–like rules,

I don’t know who I would be

when it comes to boys.

It’s so complicated.

For a while now I’ve been having all these feelings.

Noticing boys more than I used to.

And I get all this attention from guys

but it’s like a sancocho of emotions.

This stew of mixed-up ingredients:

partly flattered they think I’m attractive,

partly scared they’re only interested in my ass and boobs,

and a good measure of Mami-will-kill-me fear sprinkled on top.

What if I like a boy too much and become addicted to sex

like Iliana from Amsterdam Ave.?

Three kids, no daddy around,

and baby bibs instead of a diploma hanging on her wall.

What if I like a boy too much and he breaks my heart,

and I wind up angry and bitter like Mami,

walking around always exclaiming how men ain’t shit,

even when my father and brother are in the same room?

What if I like a boy too much

and none of those things happen . . .

they’re the only scales I have.

How does a girl like me figure out the weight

of what it means to love a boy?