Читать книгу Desire Collection: December Books 1 – 4 - Elizabeth Bevarly - Страница 18

Nine

Blue skies, sand and sunshine had never looked better, Faye decided as she opened the drapes of her sitting room on Christmas morning and stared out at the vista below. She’d paid a fine premium for this apartment with its tiny balcony overlooking the beach, but even though she’d chosen it because it was nothing like what she remembered of home, she never could quite shake off the memories.

Take last night. She’d started her movie marathon; the way she’d done every year since she’d lived alone. But for some reason the gory plotlines and the gripping action couldn’t hold her attention and in the end she’d turned off the player. At a loss, she’d sought out the box of precious possessions among her parents’ things. The entire household had been packed up and stored in a large locker after the accident and held for her until she turned eighteen—fees had been paid out of her parents’ estate.

This particular box she saved for Christmas Eve alone. Filled with photo albums of her throughout her childhood, starting as a baby, with her mom, then with her stepdad and finally the unfinished album with the precious few photos she had of her baby brother. He’d have been just over thirteen years old by now. Maybe he’d have been an irritating teenager, pushing his boundaries—or a sports star in his favorite game. Or maybe he’d have been more bookish and quiet like she’d been as a child. She’d never know. The empty pages at the back of the album were an all-too-somber reminder of the lack of future for baby Henry.

Last night’s visit to her past had reduced her to a shaking, sobbing mess, but when she’d woken this morning, instead of the yawning abyss of loss that had consumed her heart for so many years, she felt different. Yes, there was grief, and that would never completely go away. But overlaying that grief was a sense of closure, as if she’d finally been able to completely say goodbye.

She knew she’d never be able to stop thinking about her family, never stop loving them, but she felt less of a hostage to her grief than she’d been before. It was part of her. It had made her grow into the adult she was now and it had driven so many of her decisions, leading her to this point in her life. But maybe it was time for her to stop letting it direct her life. Maybe it was even time to let go of her grip on the guilt she felt for not having been able to avoid the crash that night. Perhaps she didn’t deserve to be unhappy, after all. Maybe it was even time to take a risk on loving someone else again. Someone like Piers, perhaps, who now came with a ready-made family?

The thought struck terror into her heart, but before long she managed to push past it to examine the thought carefully.

The analytical side of her brain asked her if she thought she might genuinely be falling in love with Piers.

If she entered into a relationship with him, she’d be doing it with her eyes open. After all, she probably knew the man better than his own mother did. She’d been an integral part of his life for the past three years, managing both his work world and his private life in as much as he needed her to. And she admired him. He could so easily have been more like Quin. So easily have lived off the obscenely large trust fund that previous generations of Luckmans had provided for him, but he’d chosen to work and he worked hard. The business and residential property developments he’d undertaken since she’d worked with him had become among the most sought after anywhere in the world.

Yes, he had a playboy background and, yes, she’d seen how easily he discarded a lover when he’d felt a relationship had run its course. But he’d definitely been different since Quin had died. Quieter. More thoughtful. And, slowly, she’d begun to see yet another facet to him. One that had undoubtedly begun to unravel the bindings around her heart.

But was she actually falling in love with him or was she instead falling in love with the idea of being part of something bigger than just herself? A family? A new start? A chance to make amends for what she’d done?

Faye squeezed her eyes closed and growled out loud in frustration. So many questions. So few answers.

* * *

Piers returned from Wyoming in the second week of the new year. She heard his voice as he came down the corridor from the elevators and every nerve in her body stood to attention. She’d avoided all his calls since she’d left Jackson Hole, keeping their communications strictly to text messages and email. She’d sensed his frustration with her immediately but she hadn’t been ready talk to him. To hear the timbre of his voice. To relive the intimacy they’d shared—the memory of which still took her by surprise every now and then and stole her breath away.

But there was no hiding now. Any second he’d round the corner and walk straight into the open-plan area they shared.

And then there he was.

The impact of seeing him was just as shocking as she’d anticipated. A flush of heat spread through her body as her eyes flew up to meet his. She swallowed hard against the sudden lump that formed in her throat when she realized he bore a baby car seat in one hand, with Casey sound asleep inside it, and his briefcase in the other.

“Good morning,” she finally managed to squeeze the greeting past the constriction and stepped out from behind her desk. “Coffee?”

“Why wouldn’t you answer my calls?”

“Coffee it is, then,” she answered smoothly and turned her back on him.

“Faye, you can’t keep avoiding me.”

“I wasn’t avoiding you. We spoke.”

“Through the written word only. And, yes, before you remind me again, I have been in touch with Lydia and, not so surprisingly, she canceled dinner. It seems she wasn’t quite ready for instant motherhood.

“But, back to you—after you left I was worried about you and until I was certain I could take Casey out of state with me, I couldn’t exactly drop everything and come running to check on you, either.”

She’d been aware of all that. She automatically went through the motions of making his coffee from the espresso machine in the corner. Once it was made to his preferred specifications, black and sweet, she carried his mug across to his desk.

“As you can see, you had nothing to worry about. I’m fine.”

Piers put the carrier with the sleeping baby on his desk and turned to face her. His hand shot up and his fingers captured her chin lightly, tilting her face toward his. A shiver of anticipation ran through her. Was he planning to kiss her? Here, in the office?

“Still too many shadows, Faye. Too many secrets. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us,” he said gently. “Not anymore.”

“Secrets? I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m an open book.”

He laughed, a short, sharp sound that expressed his disbelief far more eloquently than any words could have done.

“Okay, so you want to play it that way for now. Fine. We’ll get back to business, but you won’t be able to hide from me forever.”

Casey chose that moment to wake and squawk his disapproval with his new surroundings. Faye was riveted by the sight of Piers, in full corporate splendor, lifting the child from the car seat and holding him to him as if he’d been doing it from the day Casey had been born. The little guy settled immediately.

“You’re spoiling him,” Faye noted, settling behind her desk.

“According to Meredith, you can’t spoil a baby. You can only love them. I’m inclined to agree.”

Faye felt that all too familiar clench in her chest. She knew very well how it felt to love babies. And to lose them.

“Have you had any more news from your lawyers?”

“They tell me they’re going to attempt a case based on abandonment. As Quin’s next of kin, they believe I stand a strong chance of being able to adopt Casey outright. At the very least the emergency guardianship application has been approved.”

“Are you sure that’s what you want to do? Adoption? It’s a big commitment. What if his mom changes her mind? What if even now she’s looking for him?”

“She knew where to find me the first time, she can find me again. If she does reach out, then maybe we can get to the bottom of why she didn’t see fit to contact us earlier about Casey.”

Faye thought back to the note. “Do you think she knew that Quin had...?” Her voice trailed away.

“To be honest, no. I think she heard I was coming back to the house for Christmas and acted impulsively. Maybe she thought I was Quin. Who knows? From what we’ve been able to glean, she worked on a temporary basis for the company that catered for me. She’s very young, only nineteen. She’s from Australia and had been backpacking her way across the country and picking up casual work where she could. I don’t even know if Casey was born in Wyoming. Whatever the case, his place is with me.”

Piers’s voice was emphatic on that last statement.

“Well, as long as you realize he’s not like a toy you can pick up and put down at whim. He’s a lifetime commitment. When you start a new relationship, I hope, whoever she is, she’s on board with having a baby in her life.”

Piers shot her a searing glance. She could see the banked irritation in his eyes.

“What are you implying, Faye? That I’ll just ignore Casey when it suits me?”

“I’m not implying anything. But, let’s face it, you’ve only had a few weeks with a baby, part of which you had with me and the rest with Meredith who probably hardly let you hold him once she got there. You didn’t have any work or other priorities to deal with, so you could focus completely on him. It’s not the real world. The reality involves dealing with fevers and colds, teething, colic, potty training, tantrums, sleepless nights on top of the busy schedule you usually keep. You seem to think it’s going to be a walk in the park, but it’s not like that. Raising a child is damn hard work.”

“And you’d know because?” He pinned her under a hard stare, silently demanding she answer him.

“I know because I’m not some Pollyanna who thinks everything is always going to be all right. Bad things happen. Life doesn’t always go the way you expect to.”

As soon as she said the words she wished them back. It was almost the anniversary of Quin’s death. Piers knew as well as anyone else who’d suffered great loss that life could deliver unexpected blows along with the highs.

She hastened to make amends. “Look, I’m sorry. I’m out of line. I’ll get out of your way. I have a meeting with the new brand manager at ten so I’d better get down to marketing.”

“Yeah, you do that,” he said, his voice carrying a note of determination that made Faye’s stomach lurch a little. “And while you’re at it, ask yourself why you keep such strong emotional barriers up between you and everyone else. It’s not just me, is it? It’s everyone. Because while you’re questioning my ability to commit to Casey, I think perhaps you ought to be asking yourself why you’re not capable of committing to anything but your work.”

She looked at him in shock. His acuity cut straight through everything and got immediately to the point. She took in a deep, steadying breath and met his gaze, but even as she did so she could feel the sting of tears burning at the backs of her eyes.

Piers saw the moisture begin to collect and his expression turned stricken. “Faye, I’m sorry, this time I overstepped.”

“No, it’s okay,” she said, blinking fiercely and waving a hand between them. “I’d better go.”

* * *

Piers watched her leave, feeling as if he was little more than a slug that had crawled out of a vegetable patch. What on earth had spurred him to be so cruel to Faye like that? Was it because she’d hit a nerve when questioning his commitment to Casey? Or had it been her comment about bad things happening to people? Which she apologized for, the voice at the back of his mind sternly reminded him. Either way, he knew he’d done wrong. He couldn’t afford to lose her and it wasn’t just because she knew his company almost as well as he knew it himself.

The last two weeks without her had been oddly empty. Sure, he’d been busy with the baby, who’d already grown and changed in that short time. Yes, Meredith had helped him, but he’d made sure he’d been Casey’s primary caregiver. But Faye’s absence had made him all the more aware of what she’d come to mean to him on a personal level. If only he could get past that barrier she kept so firmly between them. He sensed the only way that would happen would be if he learned what had occurred in her past to make her so closed off and wary.

Obviously his people had done a background check before she’d been offered the job here, but it had focused on her credentials and experience, and had been peripheral to what he needed to know about her now. Maybe he needed to delve a little deeper. A part of him cautioned him about digging into her past without her knowledge—warned him that if she wanted him to know that much about her, she’d tell him herself. But Piers didn’t get things done by waiting for other people. Sometimes you just had to take control and steer the course yourself. This was one of those times.

By the time Faye returned from her meeting, Piers was satisfied that before long he’d get to the root of why she held herself so aloof. Of course, it didn’t mean that he wouldn’t keep trying to glean what he could from her in the meantime. As soon as she was back in the office, he rose from his desk and walked over to her.

“Everything go okay with the brand manager?”

“Yes, perfect in fact. You made an excellent choice there.”

“I know people,” he said without any smugness.

It was one of his greatest strengths and he wasn’t afraid to admit it. It was also the reason why he knew Faye had unplumbed depths he needed to explore. She deserved more in her life than the shell of existence he knew she lived. She deserved to feel, to laugh—to love.

“You do seem to have a knack there,” she admitted wryly.

“I’m glad you think so, but I’d like your help with the meetings I’ve scheduled for the afternoon. An agency is sending over some nannies for interviews. I want to establish a nursery for Casey on this floor. I was thinking of repurposing the archive room a couple of doors down, actually. Archives can be moved to another floor. I’ll need someone who can be here with Casey during the day and at home when I have to make an overnight trip anywhere—although I plan to minimize travel where possible from now on.”

Faye looked at him in surprise. “You want me to help you with interviews?”

“Of course, you’re my right hand here.”

She looked uncomfortable. “But choosing a nanny... Surely that’s something you should do on your own.”

“Why?”

She was running again, moving into classic avoidance mode, although perhaps not quite as literally as she had back at the lodge.

“Well... I...”

“I trust your judgment, Faye. Will you help me?”

He’d chosen his words carefully, knowing her pride in her work wouldn’t allow her to say a flat-out no if he phrased it like that.

“Why me? Maybe you should ask someone else on staff who already has children and has hired nannies before.”

“But you know what I need. You always do. First appointment is after lunch.”

He saw her visibly sag. “Fine, I’ll be ready. Is there anything in particular you want me to look out for?”

“No, just use your judgment like you always do. I know you won’t be shy in telling me what you think. And, Faye,” he continued just as she started to turn and walk away, “I want to apologize for my comment earlier about commitment. It was unkind of me to say that especially when you’ve always been there for me when I needed you.”

“It’s fine. Consider it forgotten.”

“No, I can’t forget it because I know I hurt you and it hurts me to know I did that. That said, things have changed between us and I’d like to see where we go from here.”

“Changed?”

“You’ve forgotten our lovemaking already?” he teased.

Even though he kept his tone light, deep down he felt a slight sting at the idea she’d put that incredible night to the back of her memory.

“Oh, that,” she said, coloring again. “No. I haven’t forgotten. Any of it.”

“And it doesn’t make you curious about maybe exploring that side of our relationship further?”

She shook her head firmly. “No. To be honest, I’ve thought about little else since I came home and, frankly, I think we should forget it.”

“I can’t forget it. I can’t forget you.” He stepped closer to her and took her hands in his. “I want to know you better, Faye. Sure, I know how great you are here at work. I also know how you sound when we make love. I know how to bring you pleasure, but...” He let go of one hand to tap gently at her forehead. “In here, I don’t think I know you at all—and I really, really want to. Will you let me in, Faye? Will you let me know you?”

She looked shaken, uncertain...but he believed he was having an impact, that she was at least considering the idea.

A phone on her desk began to ring and Piers bit back a curse. Faye pulled loose from his hold.

“I’d better get that,” she said, her voice sounding choked.

“Sure, but we will finish this discussion, Faye. I promise you. I won’t give up. You mean too much to me.”

And leaving that statement ringing in her ears, he left the room.