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Chapter Two: Love Means No Condemnation

For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.

John 3:16

Those of you who consider yourselves seasoned believers may feel like this chapter has little relevance. Like sitting through a gospel message. I would consider myself a pretty seasoned believer, and it has great relevance for me.

Not too long ago I did something to my husband, Todd, that I felt was wrong, and I was beside myself about it. I shared something with a friend of ours, for prayer, that involved my husband. Not something bad about him, just something that was part of our journey. These are friends we “do life” with. They know us and all our “stuff.” This is what we talk about with them, and this level of authenticity characterizes our relationship. Yet, after I shared with her, I felt regret. I wished I hadn’t done so—I wished I had checked with Todd first before I opened my big mouth, because it was really his story, not mine, to share. I felt sick about it.

By the time the end of the day had come and I had time alone with Todd to talk about it, I had built it up in my head to be a major breech in trust that I had committed against him, and I feared he would feel very betrayed by me and that it would affect his ability to feel emotionally safe with me going forward. I was beating myself up pretty badly about it all—first because he is the last person on earth I would ever want to cause any upset to, and second because I am a therapist. Confidentiality is what I do for a living. I should know better.

After we got the kids into bed, I sat down beside my husband (ready to vomit) and told him that I had done something very wrong that I needed to confess to him. The poor guy got a really concerned look on his face, turned off the TV and faced me. I then proceeded to tell him what I had shared with our friend and that I felt it was very wrong—that it was his story to share, and I should have talked with him about sharing it before I just did so.

His concerned look completely disappeared and was replaced with an expression of relief. Then he furrowed his brow, shook his head and said, “Babe, that is not a big deal at all. Don’t worry about it! I totally trust [our friend], and I am completely fine with you telling her so they can pray.”

I couldn’t believe how huge of a deal I had made it in my head and how little of a deal it was in reality to my husband. It was such a reminder to me of just how powerful condemnation can be. It can take a non-issue and make it into a monster issue. It can twist a normal situation and make it into an immobilizing one. It can move you from good to bad in your head in a split second if you are not careful. It can make you think you have damaged your marital intimacy by seeking the prayer support of those who love you, when in fact you haven’t.

Condemnation caused me to think that my husband’s trust in me, love for me and emotional safety with me might be compromised. And more than that, truth be told, condemnation had me feeling like I didn’t even deserve any of that from him. All because of something I thought was a mistake.

Condemnation does that to us with God too. It gets us thinking we aren’t good enough. That He couldn’t love us or want us around after what we have or have not done. And God responds like my husband. “I love you. It’s not a big deal to Me, because I covered that already with Jesus and the cross.”

Why did I say that being so loved by God means no condemnation, instead of saying that it means salvation? (I believe that the only way we are actually free from condemnation is because of salvation through Christ Jesus—please see appendix E if you would like to read my thoughts about this a bit more.) Because I believe it is much easier for women to accept the idea of salvation than the idea of no condemnation. Think back to the story I shared earlier about my friend if you need a real-life illustration of what I mean. If we feel condemned, even though we are saved, we certainly won’t feel so loved. Or valuable. Or worth much.