Читать книгу The Tears and Love Everlasting: - Elsa Arroyo - Страница 2

The beginning.

There’s a song from the motion picture The Fountain called “Together We Will Live Forever” by Clint Mansell. Whenever I listen to it, the song calms my thoughts, and this is what I see.

I stand at the end of the road and see two paths. Which one should I take? How will I live my life without my love? What will I do now that I can no longer be with him?

Tears run down my cheeks as I stand, trying to look beyond my path, but all I see is sadness all around me. I can’t imagine anyone going through what I am right now. One day you think life is perfect, then everything collapses within less than a second. That is all it takes. One last breath, one last heartbeat, one love, one life.

I look down beneath me and wonder where this path came from. How did I even get here? Then, all I can think about is Death.

We are here for only a moment. We enjoy these moments, but they do not last forever. Moments constantly fly by us and we can either fight or take flight. I choose to look in deeper and express my love, my loss. I choose to explore my sadness and depression, but I want them to take me to a place where I can eventually find peace and rest.

I now see sunlight lightening up my path. I see hope. I feel love. Where is this coming from?

One minute, I have tears and the next I have happiness. This is just a part of my new journey.

As I listen to “Death is the Road to Awe” by Clint Mansell, I visualize all of these emotions flowing through me. There are so many kinds of confusion, and I have no idea where these emotions will lead me.

I wish I could have stopped my husband from hanging himself. Why couldn’t I have been there?

Tragedies and events like this are not things that we can just walk away. We cannot simply return to a normal life.

Living a normal life is what we strive to do as human beings. If we act or say something out of the ordinary, we are labeled as not being normal. Why does that even matter? We are who we are. No one, nothing can stop a determined person. If someone truly wants to do something, he will just do it no matter what. That is determination and passion. When these two are combined, the end result will be a success.

We hear the phrase “attempted suicide” and know there may still be hope for these people, but what about those who successfully committed the act? There is no way we can go back and stop those moments from happening.

It is history.

I must move on and live on.

I return back to where the two roads meet, and I walk back to see where that leads me.

I see Derek.

I see my love.

I cannot get over how he had managed to go through the moment of ending his life.

My love, my body, my mind wants to close this chapter of my life but it never does.

Life around me continues to grow.

I lie on the grass and look up at the sun. I observe the trees and see the smallest bugs beneath me. We are all important on this Earth.

Derek,

I hope you that somehow you can hear and feel me. I love you, and you are truly missed here on Earth. Sometimes I want to know what you were thinking the moment you tied that rope around your own neck. I think of the thoughts of death and darkness that must have been swimming through your head. At the same time, though, I want to remember all of the goodness you did for yourself, for us. I feel like a failure because I did not see this coming since you would so often smile at me and hold me at night. I remember how you loved to listen to the music of The Fountain. I listen to it often still, keeping the memories of you alive. As I watch the movies we loved together while I write, I hope my memories will return so strongly that I will feel you again. With all of my heart, this book is for you.