Читать книгу The Tears and Love Everlasting: - Elsa Arroyo - Страница 3

This is the autobiography that Derek wrote for his promotion board:

“My name is Derek James Bennett and I come from Riverside, California. I am married to Alanna Kristine Bennett and have two children, Jayme and Jerrett. I went to Basic Training at Fort Benning, Georgia, and Advanced Individual Training at Aberdeen Proving Grounds, Maryland. I served in the California National Guard from September 2000 to January 2004. My first active duty station in February 2004 was out of Miesau Army Depot, Germany. I deployed to Muzaffarabad, Pakistan, from October 2005 to February 2006 in support of the regional humanitarian efforts following a devastating earthquake that struck there. In April 2008, I arrived here in Fort Shafter, Hawaii, and was promoted to Sergeant seven months later. I have a number of short term goals: starting college in November for a Bachelor’s Degree in Accounting; attending the E-6 promotion board and obtaining a promotable status; attending BNCOC and graduating with honors; and finally re-enlisting for airborne and air assault school en route to school for a secondary MOS. My long term goals include earning my Masters of Business in Accounting and retiring from the military after twenty-plus years of service.”

Military life is a choice in which we decide to live under certain stressors and serve our country with pride and selfless service. In reality, the military changes people starting on day one. I will be referencing the Army because it is the branch in which Derek and I served. Having joined the Army in 2000. I was a combat medic. I began as a guard and in 2004, I went into active duty and moved to Germany where I met Derek. He was a generator mechanic. The Army has many benefits and many good traits, but it is not for everyone; life can be very stressful. When there is family or dual military, the military life becomes even more demanding. Both stressors, from home and work, must be balanced; a good support chain is a positive attribute to have while serving.

In Germany, we had a fantastic support chain and people to lean on. Often, soldiers and families are away from close friends and family members. It has been my observation and experience that isolation can easily be developed, with depression hitting some of the soldiers. Despite all of these experiences, however, I am proud to have served in the Army and very proud of Derek.

In this chapter, I will touch on some of the things that I felt were not personalized after Derek’s suicide that should be addressed and brought into the light. I support everyone, along with their families, who serves in the military for their sacrifices. Family is what holds most military service members together, and families should be included when service members are going through tough times at work, deployments, and investigations. Investigations are a touchy subject, in particular.

Do I miss the military life style? Sometimes. Am I glad to be out? Well, I am now able to prioritize my family first before mission. For those currently serving in the military, they know that the mission always comes first.

A major impact in our life was when we changed our PCS (permanent change of station) from Germany to Hawaii. Moving alone is a stressor that military members endure every three to six years depending on their contracts, job training, and more importantly, the needs of the Army. Depending on the duty station, the post garrison will have a checklist for soldiers to complete for inprocessing. During that short period of time, families need to get settled; sometimes, they need to stay in temporary lodging until housing becomes available. Inprocessing is not a one-day process; rather, it usually involves the soldier getting paperwork and living arrangements situated. In addition, the soldier and family will need to be able to access on-post facilities. For those with kids, finding daycare, sitters, and nannies can be a nightmare in itself. As soon as Derek and I signed in from our leave, we were on duty; childcare was an issue since we did not know anyone in Hawaii. I spent the day calling different sitter services and learned that it would cost about a thousand dollars per child for caretaking services. Expensive or not, this was a necessity.

So far, moving to Hawaii did not seem like the best idea. We had no sitter, no vehicle, and no cell phones. We had to leave behind a German Spec car, our cell phones were German carriers which could not be transferred, and we were on an island away from our family with no sitter or family support. It was somewhat isolating; I felt deep inside that this move was a huge mistake in the first place. We stayed in a hotel with a small fridge and no kitchenette for a week. I couldn’t stand to live there! We were cramped in a two-bed hotel room with two travel cribs. Our kids at the time were two and three years old. Not fun!

We each had a sponsor and Derek’s sponsor helped us with some groceries, but it felt like we were left to figure out how things worked in Hawaii on our own. I felt lost and frustrated, so too must have Derek. We had traveled miles away from Germany and family to a new place. Luckily, Derek’s sponsor was able to find someone to loan us a car until we were able to get our own vehicle, for which I am eternally grateful.

My biggest stressor was finding a sitter for the kids. Can you believe that my supervisor had told me to bring my kids to inprocess? What happened to my ten days of permissive TDY (temporary duty)? According to my sponsor, since both my husband and I signed in from leave early, we lost that time to get settled. I thought that was very unfair and upsetting! Basically, I had to find a sitter out of thin air.

I managed to do find one as we were inprocessing. When we went to the housing office, the lady there was kind enough to refer me to a girl who takes care of kids. The girl was able to watch our kids for a short period of time until we completed our inprocessing. The waiting list for childcare on post, however, was about a six-month wait time.

Just writing this account makes me upset at how the sponsorship program in Hawaii was so unlike the sponsorship program in Germany.

Once I began working in the hospital, I asked my co-workers for referrals for sitters and finally found a family that I liked. We were finally getting settled. We got our household goods in one piece, new cell phones, and a car. We were making progress; eventually, we even got our kids to the on-post day care.

I was working eight-hour days and, because of meetings and mandatory trainings, I felt like I was working six-day work weeks with no weekends. Whenever Derek had a four-day weekend, I was working, and we were not really able to enjoy the paradise of living in Hawaii. I felt like we were working all the time and hated being there more and more. I finally decided to get out and prioritize my family before work.

That was a huge relief, the best choice I could have made at the time. At least that is what I thought until the events of October 31, 2009, which completely changed our lives.

We were at our previous sitter’s house, as we had become good friends. Our kids enjoyed playing with their kids. They invited us to come over for a Halloween party and to go trick-or-treating together. That night, Jayme was dressed like a fairy while Jerrett was a pirate. Derek and I did not dress up. Some of the kids played in the playroom; others were in the backyard jumping in the trampoline. Derek would play with all of the kids and even jump on trampoline with them. He also kept an eye on our kids to ensure no one mistreated anyone. Finally, it was time to go trick-or-treating, which was a first for Jayme and Jerrett. Afterwards, we returned to their home and, because Halloween fell on a Saturday, nobody had to go to work the next day. The family had bought a lot of alcohol and we, the adults, sat around conversing and playing poker. I kept an eye on the kids and everyone was having a great time. I soon noticed, however, that Derek was drinking more than usual, but it did not register in my mind to keep an eye on him since I was drinking as well. We knew that we could spend the night there if we were unable to drive home. Even after the adults played a drinking game, Derek just kept on drinking. Later on, I noticed he was not downstairs but instead upstairs. I went to check up on him, and he said he was trying to put the kids to bed. I just let it be and went back downstairs. Soon after that, something must have had happened upstairs - I am still not sure about the details, even to this day. Dominic, the father of the 16-year-old girl, told me that Derek and I needed to leave right away. I did not know what to think. After a few discussions, his wife told me what might have happened and she sounded concerned, so the MPs (military police) were called to the house. This was the longest night ever—well, one of them. I had a headache, was confused, and was worried about what would happen next. Luckily, my kids were asleep from all the playing they did. This, I call my living nightmare.

Derek had gone back downstairs and vomited on their couch. I felt so bad for his behavior and blamed myself because I could have made him stop drinking. At this point, we had been married for five years and even though he drank in Germany, I had never known him to act this way.

I waited until the MPs came and took written statements from each person. From me, they just received his basic identification information. I couldn’t even remember his unit.

The MPs also took photographs and were there for at least two hours. After they were done taking the statements, they handcuffed Derek and took him into custody. They told me to step out so I would not see Derek get arrested.

Shortly afterward, I spoke with the family and apologized for Derek’s behavior. I had no idea as to what had happened but whatever it was, the 16-year-old girl, who was shaking and scared, was involved.

I drove home with the kids. I was upset still, scared about what was going to happen next.

Life can really change unexpectedly with an event; sometimes we have no control over it. Things happen and we need to learn to adapt to those changes.

I put the kids to bed and was trying to go to sleep, but I had a really bad headache. I got a phone call from the emergency room telling me that Derek was in the ER being treated for alcohol intoxication. I asked how he was doing and learned he was stable. With that, I lay down again.

Eventually, I must have fallen asleep. In the morning, I got a phone call from his supervisor to pick him up from the MP station. So, I got the kids ready and drove to pick up Derek.

The first thing I asked Derek was, “What the heck happened upstairs?” I wanted to know what was up with their daughter, why was she so upset. Derek confided that he honestly had no idea.

He told me that he felt bad for whatever did happen but could not remember anything.

Once Derek was home, he used my phone to talk to Jennifer, the mother of the 16-year-old, to apologize and to try to get some information about what happened, but she hung up on him.

That day was probably one of our worst days. We were very concerned and held in the dark as to what were the possible charges; we had no idea at the time. Derek was not feeling well either and had a terrible hangover, so he just slept most of the day.

Derek questioned me why the MPs were called, and I told him that the family had discussed it with other friends at the party and they all agreed to call them. I told him that the 16-year-old girl looked shaken up.

Monday: November 2, 2009

Derek went to PT (physical training) in the morning. After that he came home, he showered, changed to his uniform which had recently been pressed, and put on clean boots. I could tell that something was wrong, but I wasn’t sure what was going on inside his head. He just seemed gloomy due to what had happened that Halloween night.

On Monday, the investigation began. His supervisors counseled him for drinking and spending the night at the MP station.

The Army utilizes counseling for a variety of reasons. Counseling helps encourage soldiers improve their performances; additionally, it can be used to help soldiers confront certain issues. Counseling is a way to track progress on paper beyond simply oral counseling.

Derek was flagged for his actions and for this event. A flag can prevent a soldier from advancing in ranks, re-enlistment, and can affect school benefits.

According to Army regulations, any soldier undergoing an investigation is automatically flagged. This was not good for Derek’s self esteem either. Because of the flag and the confusion, we were under a lot of stress.

Tuesday: November 3, 2009

I came home from work and Derek was upset. I asked him what was up and he told me that everyone in the unit had said he had apparently bit the 16-year-old girl that night at the party.

He was furious that how people knew what had happened before he or I got to hear about it. We gathered that someone had told one person, that person told someone else, and from there on the gossip spread very quickly in his unit.

He would tell me that people would look at him differently and make assumptions about him. I felt hurt that his unit had done this to him. How could something so sensitive get out like that? Why was his privacy invaded so much? I just did not understand that and was very upset at his unit’s behavior.

Knowing all of this, we still did not receive any kind of support or check-up from anyone in the unit. It felt like the crime and his guilt was already determined, with no room for innocence. Derek was being treated as guilty until proven innocent. Is this the way the Army handled things? I have seen it before, and that wass exactly how it feels. And the Army wonders why there are so many suicides. Where was the support? Why was no one fighting for Derek? No action was taken; no one bothered with it. It is truly sad and breaks my heart to write this down but deep down inside, I truly believe that whatever did happen was an accident, not intentional. It was unfair how people were treating Derek and judging him based solely upon the rumors spreading throughout the unit.

Months went by and we heard nothing from the investigation. Our stress level continued to grow, yet no chaplain, supervisor, or support came to us. But then, why would they? Derek continued to go to work on time, strove to be the best supervisor, a positive worker, and kept up with his appearance. He continued to get his uniforms pressed and would wear clean boots before work and during formation before changing into his work boots. He dedicated his time at work and took pride at his job. Even though we were under pressure and stress, he maintained his work ethics.

For Thanksgiving, the kids and I made foam placemats to help lighten the mood at home and to get the kids excited for the holidays. I attempted to cook a turkey with a healthy recipe found inside one of my fitness magazines. We had a good Thanksgiving despite being under pressure from the investigation and having no one to talk to for support. I let my supervisors know what was going on, but I was more worried about Derek. I did not like how things were being handled and how he had no clue as to what to expect from all of this.

During the month of December, we did the best that we could to keep the family busy and spent time with the kids. We went to the lights celebration in Hawaii, walked through Waikiki, and put a small tree up. I kept the kids busy with arts and crafts, and we decorated the tree with the ornaments that we had made. We also had our first Christmas portraits at the mall. Even with all the stress, it was a good Christmas.

For New Years, we stayed home; Derek bought some fireworks and star lighters for the kids. The kids were excited but scared at the same time due to the noise. After we had lit them in front of the house, we put Jayme and Jerrett to bed. Derek and I decided to go to bed as well but could not sleep. That New Year, fireworks were going off all over the island non-stop. I thought they would wake up the kids, but somehow they slept through it all. Happy New Years to us!

January and February 2010 came, and again there was no word as to the verdict of the case. Time kept moving on forward; it felt like it was a waiting game to try to determine what would be the best decision for our family to make.

We contemplated finding different jobs that Derek could do outside of the military and started researching the housing market in Florida. We were making plans for the worst case scenario in which Derek would be kicked out of the Army, and we would need to restart our lives without the Army’s help.

As time went on, I would ask Derek for feedback from his command, and he would tell me that he did not get feedback on anything. He even asked his peers for character statements and no one seemed to care. I remember him telling me one of his supervisors once told Derek that he was an “okay supervisor.”

It’s never good to tell someone “okay” when that person’s self esteem is already going down the drain. I remember Derek telling me this in a sad tone, and I knew deep inside this bothered him; still, I did not think he was suicidal.

We had finally decided on a plan: move to Florida, or to a location close to our family, and reconnect with them for support.

During Derek’s investigation, he voluntarily signed himself to ASAP (army substance abuse program), a three-month program in which he would speak with counselors and attend AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings and groups three times a week. He completed the program, and the commander signed him off on upon completion.

In addition, he was volunteering and learning to surf. He told me that he wanted to play a violin and teach Jayme and Jerrett the skills necessary to live a good life. Derek also wanted to teach them how to play soccer and run as fast as him, plus get the best education available for future success and happiness. Those were his dreams and goals.

Saturday: March 6, 2010

We went to our music therapy classes with the kids; later that evening, we went shopping and Derek bought himself a brand new pair of shoes.

Sunday: March 7, 2010

We went to the beach and attempted to have a BBQ, but it was very windy. The kids did not want to go swim in the water. This was our last outing.

Monday: March 8, 2010

The commander finally read Derek his charges and Derek signed that paper. That was it for that day. There was no suggestion as to the next step or how to deal with the charges. Derek just told his supervisor that he was going to legal the next day.

Before Derek was read his rights, he did try to get a military lawyer. Because of the caseloads in Hawaii, Derek had to wait until he received his charges. I remember him telling me this, and I suggested we find a civilian lawyer. He spoke with a civilian lawyer but decided the lawyer’s fees were too cost-prohibitive.

I asked Derek what the commander had to say and what the charges were to which he said it was for the assault of a minor. In disbelief, I asked if he said anything else, and Derek told me that was it. Nothing else.

Tuesday: March 9, 2010

I was under major stress and felt a dark cloud over me, though at the time I did not understand what was going to happen next.

When I got home from work, I asked Derek what the lawyer said: the lawyer pretty much told him to chapter to get out voluntarily. I was not sure under which chapter that would fall into with the Army regulations, but that was it.

That night, we decided to pack some stuff and get ready for the move back to the States. He was updating his resume and called his mom, letting her know his plans. Derek told his mom we were planning to move back to the States. He did not mention anything about his depression; instead, he told her that he was looking for jobs and had updated his resume. I also contacted my family and let them know that we would be moving back to the States to be closer to family. They suggested websites for me to look at for job postings in Florida.

Wednesday: March 10, 2010

Early that morning, I woke up alone. My bed was empty. I walked down the stairs and looked everywhere for him. He was nowhere in the house. I noticed on the kitchen counter that his wallet and his phone were still sitting there. I took his phone and immediately called his supervisor to tell him that Derek was not home, and I had no idea where he was. His supervisor came over later that morning around 7:00 AM and asked if I’d found Derek or knew where he might be. I told him I had no idea. The last time I saw Derek was around 11:00 PM the night before when I went to sleep. I was worried.

After a while, his Commander and First Sergeant came by, asking if Derek would have gone to stay at a friend’s house. They questioned if Derek was at the house somewhere sleeping, and they would give me looks as if I was lying. I was thinking in my head: “How could they even think that?” I was upset that I had no idea where Derek was and for them to stand there and ask me to make sure that Derek was not in the house was very insulting! They told me about the consequences of AWOL (Absent Without Official Leave). This all occurred around 7:25 AM. I thought perhaps Derek went out for a run, but even if he had, I had no clue as to where he went. I told this to both the Commander and First Sergeant, and of course they did not like that answer; however, after thinking about that, they agreed that it could be a possibility.

I decided to take the kids to school and then tried to go to work. I told my supervisor that my husband was missing, and she immediately told me to go home. I told her that I was okay. I sat at my work assignment but just couldn’t focus. I attempted to use work as a distraction, though that plan did not go so well. I just got up from my computer, logged off and started crying in front of my other co-workers. I was so worried and had still not heard any news of him.

I drove to my house that was just up the hill. After parking the car, I walked inside and looked all over the house for a note or something that would give me some sort of idea as to where Derek would have gone. I found nothing, just his phone. At first, I couldn’t remember his phone pin number; after playing with it for a minute, I figured it out. I started going through his phone and tried to look at his text messages for some clue as to where he could have gone, but nothing. That was a dead end.

Later that morning, around 8:25 AM, the police came to my door and asked to come into my house. I let the police officer in and we went to my living room and we sat on the couch. He had me fill out my demographics first and then asked some basic questions such as where Derek might be and if he had any friends that he could be with. I told him, like I did everyone else, that I had no clue where Derek could have gone. As I answered the questions, I listened to the radio a little bit and heard that someone was found hanging. The paramedics were discussing in the background how to cut the rope and bring the person down without disturbing the body. My heart was pounding as I imagined the worst, but I kept hoping inside that was not my Derek, that it was someone else. As soon as the policeman got that call, he was gone, leaving me alone with my suspicions that the man found hanging was Derek. Could he have done that to himself? I let the hope that it was not him get me through that day. It was extremely difficult to be optimistic, though, because the person found was hanging in the same location where Derek worked at Fort Shafter.

Around lunchtime, one of my neighbors knocked on my front door. I was hoping to get some news of Derek, but instead she asked me if he were doing well. I asked her why she came by. She told me that she did not work with Derek but noticed a fire truck, MPs, ambulance, and other official people at Fort Shafter. She didn’t know what was going on at his unit. I had asked her to keep me posted if she heard anything. She said she would. I was again concerned.

I tried to go about my day and stay busy but couldn’t stop thinking that it might be him. I went to the NEX (Navy Exchange) and only felt like I wanted to collapse and cry. Part of me was expecting the worse. The police never came by my house again. Everyone was quiet. Maybe too quiet. I even called his supervisor to get an update but learned nothing. No details whatsoever on Derek. How could this be? What was going on? When I was at the NEX, I recognized some people and gently waved but kept on walking. I pretended that everything was okay and going great.

It was close to 5:00 PM and I called Derek’s supervisor. All I got was his answering machine. I still did not hear anything! I went to pick up the kids and came back home a little later. I could not stand being in the house not knowing where Derek was. Then, I finally get a phone call, telling me to stay home because his First Sergeant and Commander were coming over. I did not like the way this was unfolding; still, I did as I was told. Soon afterwards, I was in my kitchen making dinner and noticed a car that I have never seen before parking in front of my house. I slowly looked out of the window from my dining room and saw two men in uniform. I quickly closed my eyes, opened them again and looked. They were approaching my house. Finally, I heard a knock at my door and heard them asked for me. I stopped what I was doing and approached the door with caution. I had chills and was afraid to even open the door. I immediately thought about the movie “We Were Soldiers” and knew that this was not a good thing. I slowly opened the door and the gentlemen asked me if they could come inside. I said “okay,” feeling shocked. They told me to sit down, and I did. Then came the bad news. One of the men gave me the news officially that Derek passed away early this morning. I looked at my clock and was in shock. Why tell me now and not this morning or even at lunchtime? Why wait until almost 6:00 PM to tell me this? The chaplain was at my house and said a prayer with me; I just sat there in my dining room in complete shock.

I was in disbelief. I was upset, I was mad, and I was so much more confused than I had ever been before. What was I supposed to do now? The news shook me to my core, and I did not want to believe what was happening before my eyes. This was just a living nightmare, one that I must live with forever.

At this time, they did not tell me how he died, only that his body was at the morgue and it was in autopsy.

I immediately had a CAO (Casualty Assistant Officer) assigned to me. He had me sign and fill out some paperwork. I still could not believe this had happened; I still could not accept that Derek was gone. Luckily, the First Sergeant’s wife was there to keep me strong and to help me get the kids situated and in bed. All I could think of at the time was how he died. He loved us and adored the kids. What could have happened?

Soon, I became infuriated because I found out that the whole unit knew about his death before I did. The reason, I was fed, was that it had to go through official channels, which meant it had to go through Washington before the news came to me. I was not happy with that. I was more angry with the Army than I was with Derek at that moment. The little news that I could gather in my head and sort out, Derek had committed suicide and was later found hanging.