Читать книгу No River Too Wide - Emilie Richards - Страница 16

Chapter 9

From the audio journal of a forty-five-year-old woman, taped for the files of Moving On, an underground highway for abused women.

The first time the Abuser slapped me I was stunned. Three weeks after we were married in a simple ceremony, he came home to find that I had rearranged the kitchen of our new house to better suit my needs. Since I did all the cooking, I never considered that when he unpacked our new utensils and dishes he had meant for them to stay in the cabinets he had chosen. Foolishly I had even expected him to be pleased I was settling in and making our house a home.

He was sorry afterward, of course, tired from a long day at work in a job he despised because he hated taking orders from people who weren’t as smart as he was. Sorry enough that as he moved the kitchen contents back where he had first put them, he said he would have to remember to be more patient, that he knew I was learning to be a wife. But since he lived in the house, too, I should remember that all our decisions were to be made together.

Of course, as time passed I realized that there was no “together.” The Abuser decided everything, and when he did consult me, often his intention was to find out what I wanted so he could do the opposite.

Not always, though. Sometimes he surprised me with things he knew I yearned for—frequently enough, in fact, that I continued to believe he loved me and there was hope for our marriage. Sometimes, too, if I asked sweetly enough he would let me have my way, as long as I understood it was a privilege he had granted because he was a model husband.

Some things, of course, were permanently off-limits. He claimed we couldn’t afford a second car so I could do errands on my own, and on the rare occasions I had the family car to myself, I was suspicious that he checked the mileage to be sure I hadn’t gone places I hadn’t told him about. He preferred that my old friends not visit when he wasn’t at home. Wasn’t daytime set aside to clean and cook? He had his job; I had mine.

Of course, evenings and weekends were our time together and not to be shared.

The second time he hit me I had just returned from a spontaneous shopping trip with a college friend. When he demanded to know why I had ignored his wishes, I reassured him, pointing out that the night’s pot roast was simmering in the slow cooker and freshly ironed shirts were hanging in his closet.

So much time has passed I wonder now if I realized that afternoon that the trap was closing. That apologies were meant to keep me in line just as much as striking me was. That I could still find a way to be free of him with a little cunning and the help of the friends who hadn’t yet forgotten me.

I really don’t know. I do know I was determined to make our marriage a success. And wasn’t the violence rare and the Abuser sorry? Didn’t that make all the difference?

* * *

Jan had known she would have to shop for clothes since she was washing the few things she’d brought every other day. When she was making plans to escape and gathering necessities, she had even told herself shopping once she “moved on” would be fun. She could choose colors Rex had discouraged and styles that might actually look good instead of her usual drab, loose clothing that guaranteed she would fade into the background.

Of course, fading into the background might be a good thing until she knew for sure where her husband had gone. But in an odd sort of way, brightening her wardrobe might actually help her hide, since if anyone besides Rex was searching for her, they would be looking for a frumpy woman with no fashion sense and no courage.

Which, she was afraid, was sadly accurate.

“I can drop you off in town, but we’ll need to leave shortly,” Taylor said, glancing at the kitchen clock as she put away their lunch things. “My dad’s going to meet me over at the studio to see how the upstairs renovations are going. But he has another appointment at four, so I can pick you up just a little after. Will you be okay in town that long?”

Jan couldn’t imagine that much free time. And in a strange town? Where nothing was familiar, and she had no idea where to go?

Taylor seemed to sense her discomfort. “We can wait and go to the mall next time I have a few hours off. I’m just afraid if I try to drop you off there today, I’ll be late.”

“Oh, absolutely not. I’ll enjoy prowling around Asheville.” Jan put on her brightest smile. “And if I get lost, you can guide me in once you come back to pick me up.”

“The city’s small enough I think you’ll be fine.”

“Although what about Maddie?” Jan hoped she didn’t sound as if she was grasping at straws. “Shouldn’t I stay home so she’s not alone when she gets back from school?”

“She’s going over to her friend Edna’s house. You’ll meet Edna before too long. Her mom, Samantha, is one of the goddesses.”

Jan had heard all about the goddesses, an idea that hadn’t seemed too far-fetched, since her own goddesses, the truckers of Moving On, only did what they did because they wanted to help and for no other reason.

“Just let me grab my wallet,” Jan said.

Ten minutes later Taylor pulled into a space beside the curb of a hilly downtown filled—at least from what Jan could see—with restaurants and small shops with colorful, quirky merchandise displayed in their windows.

Taylor must have seen the look on her face, because she laughed. “You’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto.”

Jan’s gaze wandered across the street, and her eyebrows shot up. “Well, if I can’t find anything to wear, I can get a tattoo.”

“Just wander a little.” Taylor pointed. “Go up that way and you’ll run into a few stores with clothes you might like. And if you don’t, we’ll hit the mall later this week.”

For Jan this meant she had to find new things to wear today, because Taylor was already doing too much for her and didn’t need to hold her hand.

“I’ll meet you back here about four-fifteen,” Taylor said. “If you get tired, there are plenty of places to have coffee, and there’s a park just up that way with benches.” She hesitated. “I hate to ask this, but if you need cash—”

“No, no, I’m really fine. I have enough money to see me through until I can find work. It’s a long story. But I intend to pay rent, too, until I find a place.”

“Don’t you dare. Pay rent or find a place. I need you, and I’m not kidding. Maddie’s so much happier now that I’m not dragging her all over the place.”

Jan knew she had to get out of the car, but her arms and legs felt as inflexible as steel girders. She forced herself to open the door, swing her legs to the curb and stand.

“See you back here,” she said, forcing a smile that Taylor returned.

When Jan closed the door, Taylor pulled out into traffic.

And Jan was alone.

She would have been alone in New Hampshire, of course. More alone than this. Here she had Harmony just a phone call away, although she certainly couldn’t call or visit her daughter without advance preparation. Still, just knowing she was nearby helped, and Taylor had told her if anything came up, all she had to do was call her cell phone.

Getting a new phone was on her list of things to do, a phone registered to the stranger Jan Seaton, but she would have to check into what questions might be asked and how she could answer them. The very basic disposable that Moving On had provided had limited minutes remaining, and she needed to save them in case she had to contact her benefactors.

The sidewalks seemed to undulate like ocean waves. It was unlikely there was any place in the Asheville area where she wouldn’t be walking either up or downhill, and for a while her legs were going to feel it. The terrain, like everything else here, would seem strange for some time to come.

She assessed her surroundings. To her right was a shop that sold chocolates. Across the street, beside the tattoo studio, was a café that looked to be closed, either already done for the day or not yet open for the evening. She trudged in the direction Taylor had suggested, to what looked like as major a street as she would find here. Some of the buildings were painted bright colors, and while she didn’t stop to investigate, the shops seemed filled with things she didn’t need. Jewelry, crafts, photographs and exotic statues.

By the time she got to the corner, she could feel unease turning into panic. The feeling was familiar, even if nothing else was. She had felt just this way on the evenings Rex was late coming home, not because she’d worried about his safety, but because trying to keep dinner warm had been nearly impossible. After an hour had passed, she had then been faced with trying to make something new, something quick that would still be fresh when he arrived. Nothing had made him angrier than walking through the door to find his dinner was dried out or just being prepared.

She told herself the kind of panic she had felt back then was finished. She told herself there was no reason to transfer those feelings to a simple shopping excursion. Unfortunately nobody knew better than she that telling herself something helped very little. Because for too many years at the beginning of her marriage she had told herself if she just learned to be a better wife, she would have a happy life.

She needed to sit down. Taylor had said something about a park. She saw a green space to her right and started in that direction.

The little triangular wedge was picturesque, with rocks that mimicked the surrounding mountains and a waterfall running over them. Cantilevered steps, or possibly seats, led to a flat area near the center. People were playing chess at one end, and not far from her a disheveled old man on one of the benches strummed a banjo. In between bursts of discordant music he fed a pointy-eared boxer bites of a sub sandwich.

Had she been snatched by aliens and deposited on Mars, she couldn’t have felt more like a stranger in a strange land.

She headed for a bench without an occupant and gratefully sat before her knees gave way. She closed her eyes. She knew fear. She understood fear. What she didn’t understand was why, now that the person she feared most was hundreds of miles away, she was still trembling.

“Got room here?”

The voice startled her, and her eyes flew open. A young man with dark hair covered by a colorful baseball cap didn’t wait for her reply. He sat on the other end of the bench and stuck his legs out in front of him.

“This is my favorite bench because of the sun,” he said.

She hadn’t chosen the bench for any reason except proximity, but now Jan noticed that she was sitting in a puddle of sunshine.

She wanted to move away. Her stomach was rebelling, and talking to a stranger seemed impossible. She had enough problems thinking of things to say to Taylor and Maddie. So many years had passed when simple conversation had been denied her that sometimes in Topeka, in the hours when she was home alone, she had pretended to be two people.

Nice to meet you, Janine. Tell me about yourself.

Well, thanks for asking. There’s not much to tell except that I hate my life and I can’t figure out how to have a better one and live to tell the story.

“Do you come here often?” the young man asked.

She ventured another glance. He was still sitting exactly where he’d flopped down, his face turned toward the sun and his eyes hidden by sunglasses. He had a strong profile with a nose like a hawk’s beak. Even seated he seemed tall and muscular.

“No,” she said.

“Been to the drum circle?”

“No.”

“You ought to give it a try. Crowd-watching’s a big part of the fun. Lots of different kinds of people come. Tourists... Are you just visiting?”

“I don’t know.”

“It’s a good place to live if you’re looking for one.”

“Why?”

He opened his eyes and lifted an eyebrow. “Why is it a good place to live?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Not too many places where so many different kinds of people get along. Nobody stands out much here. You can be whoever you want to be, and nobody thinks you’re strange. At least most people don’t think so.”

“How do you figure out who you want to be?” she asked before she thought better of it.

He looked surprised. “Isn’t that the easy part?”

“No.”

“I guess you figure out who you admire, and you try to be like that.”

She admired people with courage, people who’d had dreams they’d pursued despite obstacles. People who had been able to protect their children.

She blinked back tears. “And if you fail?”

“Aren’t you too young to write off life that way?”

She wondered.

He stretched and stood, long arms reaching out as if to embrace the world. “I say go for whatever it is you haven’t done yet. You’ve got time right up until you draw your last breath.” He gave a quick, final wave, almost a salute, and strolled off.

She asked herself what she hadn’t done yet, and the answer was so overwhelming she could hardly breathe. If she took his advice, where would she start?

She gazed around the park, searching for a clue. Minutes passed and finally her heart rate began to slow. Then she saw the answer was simple.

“Blue jeans.”

It didn’t matter if she was frightened by everyday things that others took for granted. It didn’t matter if she felt alone in the world, something Rex had repeatedly warned her would happen if she ever tried to leave him. It didn’t matter that she no longer knew what a woman like her could actually achieve. Perhaps it didn’t even matter that she had failed at the things she had most hoped to accomplish and was still seeking forgiveness.

What mattered now were jeans. From what she could tell, she was the only person in Asheville who didn’t own a pair. If she didn’t want to stand out in the crowd, now was the time to remedy that.

She got to her feet, and her knees still trembled, but life was going to be like this. A pair of blue jeans. An afternoon alone in a strange—in more ways than one—city. Participating in a short conversation with someone she’d never met and wasn’t likely to see again.

Life. One step at a time with nobody blocking the way.

And if, for one moment after Taylor had dropped her off, she had yearned for Rex—who had all the answers as well as all the questions—then she supposed she could seek forgiveness for that, as well.

But first, one small thing. A pair of jeans.

This she could do.