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3

Survive the Day

I’m cooking dinner and balancing on one foot, as my other foot bounces my six-week-old in his baby chair. My daughter is screaming, “I SAID stop it!” from the adjacent room. My older son continues to provoke her. I shout from the kitchen, “Something isn’t working in there!” No good. It continues. I maintain my cool as I move to ineffective tactic number two: “Come into the kitchen!” I shout to my oldest. “I’m trying to cook dinner and take care of your baby brother, and I can’t have you antagonizing your sister in there!” My son runs into his bedroom and slams the door before returning to bop me on the back with a wrapping-paper-roll-turned-light-saber. Laughing menacingly, he returns to his room and slams the door again. He’s angry. I stand outside his door and invite him to talk. No good. I try empathy: “You’re upset.” He shouts, “Go away!” I offer a hug (that can sometimes disarm him). No response. I give him some space and then try to talk again. He yells, “I can’t hear you!” Argh! But then I take a piece of paper, draw a sad face, and slip it under the door. He opens the door and lets me give him a hug. Then we talk about what happened.

Parenting is challenging, not only because our children can push our buttons but also because we’re often stretched in many directions at once. Nine-to-five jobs notwithstanding, there are places to go, boo-boos to kiss, tantrums to de-escalate, feelings to repair, fights to break up, homework assignments to supervise, appointments to make, meals to prepare, rooms to clean, bills to pay, bottoms to wipe, and teeth to brush. We take “time-saving” shortcuts like shouting from the other room (yep, guilty), which actually create bigger problems that take longer to resolve. While it’s hard to image that drawing, singing, or dancing can help you with those grocery-store tantrums and homework protests, it’s even harder to believe that the creative arts will save you precious time. But they can. This chapter explores how.

CREATIVE CURES TO CONFLICTS

Art can give you access to your children when words don’t. When emotions run high or your children feel miles away from you; when you’re knocking but they’re pretending that nobody’s home, art gives you a key to get in through the back door. Even if you would describe your relationship with your child as generally positive, connected, and mutually respectful, everyone experiences times of rupture now and again. Day-to-day conflicts that arise from misunderstandings or a mismatch between your needs and your child’s needs are inevitable. At these times, you can use the creative arts to reconnect with your child, resolve problems, and curtail future occurrences of the same conflict.

Art works to resolve day-to-day family conflicts for many reasons. With creative strategies, you’re playing on your children’s home turf where they feel more comfortable. Rather than approaching a conflict with explanations and reasoning, a creative approach is naturally more imaginative, metaphorical, and playful. That’s not to say that conflicts should be turned into fun and games when kids need clear expectations, limits, and boundaries. Creative arts strategies are not intended to deflect from or minimize the problem at hand. Rather, they can allow us to go deeper into the issue by fostering authentic (re)connection before talking, by preempting defensive responses (my kids’ favorite is “I ALREADY KNOW THAT!”), and by giving children a language in which they’re comfortable communicating feelings and needs.

Reconnect

One of the biggest mistakes we make when trying to end a conflict is attempting to resolve it before reconnecting with the other person. Art can first help lower defenses, reestablish connection, and open lines of communication. Just as in the example of the interaction between my son and me at the start of this chapter, sometimes even our best traditional efforts to make amends are met with anger or dismissal. In this case, art served as a sort of mediator or peace negotiator. It became a neutral third party that could carry a message to my son. Although he didn’t want to listen to me, he was able to take in what the visual messenger had to say: “I’m sad. You’re sad. I see you. I feel you.” With that, he was able to reconnect with me so we could talk about what had happened and where things went wrong.

Reconnecting through art can take several forms. It’s up to you (and maybe a little trial and error) to determine the most suitable approach. Sometimes kids need acknowledgment of their feelings. Sometimes they need to stew in their feelings for a bit. Sometimes kids need quiet. Sometimes they literally need to shake it off. Here are some ideas to try:

Empathize with art (see fig. 3.1)—Let your child know that you see how upset she is by drawing a sad or angry face. You might write a simple message that goes along with it: “I’m sorry” or “We both got angry.” Even if your child isn’t a reader yet, written words may open up the conversation when she asks, “What does this say?” Alternatively, draw two circles and label them “me” and “you” (or your name and your child’s name). Draw a simple sad or confused face in the “me” circle, then pass the paper and pen to your child. Without saying a word, you’ve just invited your child to share her feelings in a way that will be easier for her than telling you with words. If your child doesn’t understand the cue, offer a little assistance by saying: “My guy is saying ‘I’m sorry.’ What does your guy say?” or “My person is sad. Show me what your person looks like.”

3.1 Empathize with art

Ping’s one-and-a-half-year-old daughter (not granddaughter) is scurrying through their home, systematically putting things into her mouth or throwing them—keys, toiletries, papers, and whatnot. She manages to keep one step ahead of Ping, who is chasing her around for hazard and damage control while futilely hollering variations on “No” and “Stop.” Finally, her daughter grasps the oil-laden spokes of a bicycle. She looks back at Ping for a reaction before making the next move. Ping sighs, sits on the ground, and extends her arms out toward her little one as she says, “Do you need some love?” Immediately, her daughter runs into her arms for an embrace. Defiant behavior over.

Show a little love (see fig. 3.2)—It is precisely when kids are acting their worst or pushing us away that they most need reassurance of our love for them. They may be unconsciously seeking love and attention, and a simple offer of love for a child of any age may do the trick, as in the example above. However, it may be difficult for some children to be receptive to caring words or a hug in the midst of a conflict. Defenses are already up. Show your kids how much you love them by drawing a symbol of your love and desire for reconciliation. For example, you may draw two stick figures, one sending a heart or rainbow toward the other.

3.2 Show a little love

Let me hear how angry you are (see fig. 3.3)—Teach your kids that it’s okay to let you know just how angry they are, without having to yell, slam doors, or ignore you in order for you to get the message. Grab a shaker or a drum, for example, and ask: “Just how angry are you right now? Are you this angry [shake lightly], this angry [shake harder], or THIS angry [shake really fast and hard]?” Pass the instrument to your child. You can take a turn, too: “I got this angry, didn’t I [shake]? But now I’m feeling this sad/calm/happy [shake].” If you don’t have an instrument at hand, you can make your own or find an object that will suffice as one. Try the same idea with scribbling on a piece of paper, inviting your child to make a small, medium, or large scribble to show just how big the feeling is. Don’t be surprised if he rips up the paper instead. That’s just another way of showing you the magnitude of his feeling.

3.3 Let me hear how angry you are

Shake things up—Sometimes people need to move their bodies to discharge the energy or tension built up from a conflict. Many creatures in the animal kingdom do this instinctively following an attack from another animal. Their bodies literally shake until the energy from the “fight, flight, or freeze” encounter is released. Trauma experts, like Peter Levine (1997), have noted something similar with human beings. If we don’t mobilize to discharge energy from a conflict, it can remain in our systems and make moving forward difficult. Try standing up and shaking your body. Jump around with your arms flopping loosely by your sides. If for no other reason than pure confusion about what you’re doing, this might just get your child’s attention enough to break her out of a stuck place. The element of surprise can be disarming (Kornblum 2002). As you jump around, share, “This makes me feel better . . . to shake off the angry feelings. Want to try, too?” Another way to get your child moving is by inviting her to stretch her arms as wide as she is angry at you, or jump as high as she feels frustrated. Movement like this has the added advantage of expanding breath, which engages the “relaxation response” and calms the body (Benson 2009).

Once you and your child have reconnected by acknowledging feelings, communicating care, or shaking off energy, you can move on to finding a solution to the problem at hand.

Resolve

Naturally, a lot of talking happens while resolving a problem. If the conflict is between two children, we want to know what happened, when, why, and to whom. If the conflict involves us, we usually do most of the talking, explaining why a certain behavior, choice, or tone of voice doesn’t work for us. All of this talking is to arrive at a solution, whether that means a relevant consequence, a compromise, or an understanding. Talk can be an efficient way to get to the heart of the matter, but it can also backfire. Frustration may seep out in our tone of voice. We may talk too much. And, thus, our children may tune us out—again.

Resolution time is not just a time for grown-ups to talk. If we want to maximize this teachable moment, it’s a time for us to listen. The problem is, kids often don’t know what to say. Basically, they want to say whatever will get them out of the situation as quickly as possible with as little consequence as possible. When asked “What’s a solution to this problem?” your child may respond with “I don’t know” (because they don’t know) or “Sorry” (because that usually works to get things over with fast). Because words can be hard to grasp, it’s even more difficult for children to listen and then come up with a solution on the spot. Kids benefit from concrete tools to flex their problem-solving muscles. Here’s where an art approach can come in handy:

I am making school lunches when my daughter screams, “I’m never going to play with you again!” I enter the room and ask what the problem is. She explains that her brother said “never mind,” and she really wants to know what he said. I turn to my son and translate: “She’s really interested in what you have to say.” My son whines, “I just don’t know how to explain it, though, so I said never mind.” I offer two choices for assistance: “Would you like help explaining your idea, or would it be easier to draw it?” My son opts to draw it, which his sister enjoys watching. Once drawn, he finds it easier to explain. They have fun through the process, and I am able to get lunches made.

As this example shows, art making can help children develop their ideas. By literally seeing their idea on paper, they are better able to put it into words. Here are a couple of strategies for putting this principle into action when it comes time for children to identify a solution to a problem:

Create a comic strip (see fig. 3.4)—Roughly map out the scenario frame by frame, like a comic strip. Keep it simple, with few frames. Don’t worry about your artistic talent (or lack thereof). Invite your child or teen to tell you what goes in the next frame by simply asking, “And what should we draw here?” or “And then what happened?” Encourage him to fill in some of the frames. This will help him review what happened leading up to the conflict. Once the storyboard is created, tell your child, “Let’s add a new ending to this story. What should we draw so that the people in this story feel better/get done what they need to get done? What are they already good at doing that we could put into this story?” Referring to characters as generic people, rather than as your children, minimizes defensive reactions and will maximize your child’s ability to think objectively.

3.4 Create a comic strip

Choose your own adventure—The next time your child needs help coming up with a solution to a conflict or other problem, draw a few possible options. For younger children you might draw people giving a hug, picking up together, or arriving at some sort of compromise, for example. You might throw in some silly suggestions to keep it light (and to keep them engaged), such as taking off to outer space in a rocket ship. For older children or teens, sketch (or write) options, such as asking the other person what might make it better, finding a creative way to make amends (like offering to help out), taking care of personal tasks (e.g., homework or clearing dishes) within the next ten minutes without reminders, putting on music to make the task more fun. Explore together what might happen if each of the options were chosen. Ask your child to choose a resolution to put into action.

Another way to help children develop their ideas is through strategies from theater arts:

I’m working with a family of five. The children are in frequent conflict (at home and in the art therapy office). We use the framework of film production to help the sibling “actors” rehearse listening while the parent “directors” practice containing and redirecting their children’s energy. We’re not getting very far.

“No!” says a child. “But!” says another. Over and over, the make-believe scene gets stopped short by a sibling’s insistence that the others are doing it wrong.

Then, “director” Dad has a flash of inspiration. “Let’s play the ‘Yes, and . . .’ improv game. When actors work on their improvisation skills, they follow the rule that every sentence must begin with ‘Yes, and . . .’”

He has his children’s attention. “Roll camera and . . . action!”

A child begins: “Hey, do you want to play basketball?”

“No . . . uh, I mean . . . Yes, and . . . how about if we also play tag?”

“No, I don’t . . . oh . . . I mean . . . Yes, and then we can go get ice cream.”

Now we’re moving!

Act out the alternatives—Enactment, observation, and imagination build pathways for new behavior in the brain (Chartrand and Bargh 1999; Pineda 2009). Playacting conflicts can be done face-to-face, as above, or with puppets, stuffed animals, or figurines. Encourage children to ask the “audience” (or other characters) for suggestions on how to resolve the problem. Silly ideas for resolution, as well as serious ones, can be enacted to help hold the attention of children. Teens may like to write down ideas for conflict scenarios between two characters and put them into a grab bag. They can decide whether the scenario will result in a win-win, win-lose, or lose-lose situation for the two characters. Then, possible solutions can be enacted using movie-set phraseology (“Action!” and “Cut!”) to rehearse alternatives.

Make a plan

Making a plan for how to handle similar situations in the future is extremely useful. Not only does it engage the higher cortical functions of the brain that we want our children to exercise (such as planning, organizing, and impulse control), but also it gives you and your child concrete strategies on which you can agree next time. Whether it’s making a plan for a smoother bedtime transition or starting homework, for example, you will be able to remind your child what he chose to do: “Remember your plan for this.”

While you can simply talk about a plan, if you take the extra step of having your child draw her plan, you introduce a host of additional benefits. Drawing out a plan with your child, rather than just talking about it, helps make ideas more concrete. Your child can take more ownership of the plan when she’s the one drawing it, which aids also in developing responsibility for future planning. Having a literal image hanging on the fridge or wall for reference is a powerful reminder of intentions. Rather than you as the parent having to remind your child, the image reminds her. In a sense, she is reminding herself to get back on track. This entire process helps with the development of self-regulation: the ability to notice and control one’s own behaviors.

“Tools of the Mind” is an early education curriculum, inspired by the work of psychologist Lev Vygotsky and informed by neuroscience, that incorporates pre-play image making for planning, self-regulation, and problem solving with striking results. Considered an “exemplary educational intervention” by UNESCO’s International Bureau of Education (2001), one hallmark of the curriculum is the drawing and writing of “play plans,” which are then enacted by the children (Bodrova and Leong 2006). Regardless of their age or drawing ability, each day children draw out plans for their day’s activities. Along with visual and auditory cues for daily school expectations, the children are supported in following through on their own plans. For children participating in “Tools of the Mind,” the most recent outcome studies have shown measurable improvements in memory, reasoning, attention, and behavior control (the ability to refrain from a habitual behavior in favor of a more appropriate or goal-oriented one) (Blair and Raver 2014). It seems that they are onto something.

. . .

TRY THIS:

Invite your child or teen to sketch out a plan that addresses how he would like to approach a situation differently next time (see fig. 3.5). Drawings can include a series of steps, like a storyboard, or be a singular drawing. They can be simple. If your child can only scribble or make basic shapes, ask him to describe the plan. You can write his words on the picture for him. A plan might represent an intention such as “I will ask for help when my sister hurts my feelings” or a series of specific steps such as “I will do two pages of homework at the dining room table. I will take a fifteen-minute break. Then I will do the next two pages of homework.” Help your child frame language in the positive (that is, what he will do instead of what he won’t do). Ask your child how you might be a part of the plan. Your child may wish to add a drawing that depicts your part in the plan, or your part may simply be to remind him of the plan by referring to the drawing at relevant times. Once the plan is drawn, with any accompanying words or explanations added, find a special place for it. He may wish to hang it up or store it in a special folder. You can bring it out and refer to it as needed.

. . .

3.5 Sketch out a plan

By using creative approaches to conflicts, you are making a long-term investment. Naturally, at times we get tired and fed up. You may say to yourself, “But I don’t want to have to bring out paper and a pen . . . I just want my kids to do what I tell them to do.” I’m certain that some days our kids say something similar to themselves, “I wish my parents would just do what I tell them to do!” The creative arts offer valuable tools not only for solving conflicts but also for helping us feel generally less fed up. While it may seem more time-consuming and laborious in the moment, using art to reconnect, problem-solve, and plan ahead may ultimately lessen the frequency, intensity, and duration of conflicts.

TIME TO BRUSH TEETH, DOO WOP, DOO WOP

My daughter says it best when it’s time to stop reading books and move on to brushing teeth: “But it’s booooorrrring!” I consider explaining that while it is boring, it is important for preventing cavities. I consider reminding her that the dentist says she has to brush. Instead, I opt for “Yes, it is boring, but we can make it more fun.” Then I belt out, “Brush your teeth, brush your teeth” to the tune of her favorite song, “Let it Go,” from the movie Frozen. While she protests me ruining her favorite song, she also giggles and opens her mouth.

Brushing teeth, getting dressed, coming to the dinner table, getting into the car, getting out of the car, sitting down to start homework—all of these tasks have one thing in common (that is, one thing other than their ability to start a minor war). They all involve a transition. If you think about it, many of the daily conflicts that happen with kids occur when they are asked to transition from one activity to another (particularly if they are being asked to shift gears from something that they like doing to something that isn’t as fun or interesting). It’s a common problem even for kids who tend to be more flexible.

There are plenty of well-known parenting tips on how to talk to your kids in order to make transitions easier. You are probably familiar with some of them: “In five minutes it’ll be time to . . .” or “After dinner you will have more time to . . .” However, chances are that you will find yourself repeating these phrases ad nauseam or cajoling, if not resorting to threats or bribes. Verbal cues can be helpful. Let’s not get rid of them. But let’s see what happens if you add some arts-based strategies, too.

Larry, an attendee at one of our recent workshops, shares a successful innovative parenting moment:

Larry oversees his three children, ages nine, seven, and five, setting the table for dinner. They bicker. It escalates. Meanwhile, the table is not getting set. The children are tired and “hangry” (hungry and angry). Although not generally artsy and never having before used a creative arts strategy to manage behavior, he takes a deep breath and initiates a rhythm by clapping to the syllables of “Pass the popcorn. Gimme some more.” The children join in, smiling, and laughing. Moods are elevated. Table is set. Problem over.

There’s a reason why teachers and kids sing cleanup and goodbye songs in preschool. They work. Using music, rhythm, movement, or visual cues to help kids move from one activity to another decreases behavioral issues during these times (Hemmeter et al. 2008). For starters, they capture attention; children will tune in to music more than to the sound of voices uttering repeated requests. Secondly, songs, movement, and visuals are fun. Transitioning from one activity to another is disruptive. It can be boring. Using creative tools when shifting gears can spice things up and keep kids engaged not only during the transition but also during the next, less preferred activity. What’s more, the arts add an element of routine and ritual to transition times. Singing the same song when it’s time for a certain activity, for example, makes the change predictable and less anxiety provoking.

Based on frequency of occurrence, think about daily transition moments that can be difficult for your child. Choose one or two to keep in mind as you read the creative arts ideas that follow. Consider how some of these ideas might apply to your situation or how you might adapt them to meet the needs of your unique child. Be creative. Invite your child to come up with ideas, too. But beware. You might end up getting requests for a “brush your teeth” rendition of your child’s favorite song every night. It may verge on unbearable, but you’ll likely agree that it’s preferable to a standoff at the bathroom sink.

Get attention with music:

Call and response—Used in classrooms, the military, and at sporting events, call and response songs and rhythms are a tried and true method for getting people engaged with an activity at hand. At a football game you might hear: “When I say Go! You say Tigers! Ready? Go! (Tigers!). Go! (Tigers!).” At home you might instead try: “When I say Time For! You say Dinner! Ready? Time For! (Dinner!)” Young children will get into it. Teens may think you’ve lost it, but even if they don’t participate, at least you’ll have gotten their attention, and they may respond a little more promptly.

Sing the expectations—Music helps people remember information (Rubin 1995). Help your children remember routine expectations by putting them to a tune. For example, sing to the tune of “If You’re Happy and You Know It”: “When you’re finished getting dressed, please brush your teeth (brush brush).”