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ACT I

SCENE 2

The Peterhof Gardens.

Beautiful classical gardens with mythological statues. Benches are set for a banquet. Alexis, Princess Charlotte, his wife, Peter, Count Peter Tolstoi, Catherine, the Tsaritsa, Courtiers and Servants stand before a draped statue.

Tolstoi

It was my great luck to purchase this masterpiece. The statue differs in no wise from the celebrated Florentine Venus and is in a better state of preservation. I had many adventures connected with obtaining this statue. (he opens his snuff box and takes snuff) In Naples, I was inamorata with a certain cittadina Francesca, celebrated for her beauty. (laughing) She cost me more than this masterpiece, and to this day, I do not grudge her a single florin.

(Peter pulls the cord; the drapes part, revealing a well preserved classical Venus. Peter holds the statue in his arms like a doll.)

Tolstoi

Behold Venus in the embrace of Mars.

Princess Charlotte

Were I the Tsaritsa, I would be jealous!

Tolstoi (reciting)

Cupid once upon a bed

Of roses laid his weary head

Luckless archer not to see

Within the leaves a slumbering bee!

The bee awakened with anger wild.

The bee awaked and stung the child.

Loud and piteous are his cries;

To Venus quick, he runs, he flies!

Oh, mother! I am wounded through;

I die with pain, in sooth I die.

Stung by some angry little thing,

Some serpent on a tiny wing.

Thus he spoke, and she the while,

Heard him with a soothing smile;

Then said, my little infant if so much

Thou feel the little wild bee’s touch

How must the heart, ah Cupid be,

The helpless heart that’s stung by thee!

(All present applaud Tolstoi who executes a faultless bow.)

Theodosius

This will not be a flattering oration, but I speak the truth from my heart: by Your Majesty’s actions Russia has been led from ignorance to light and joined the throng of civilized nations. What was Russia in your father’s day? What is she today? And thou, city of Peter, young in thy supremacy! How great is the renown of thy founder. On a cheerful site thou art erected. Verily, a metamorphosis hast thou accomplished.

(Courtiers applaud.)

Alexis

What a hypocrite! I heard him call this city a devil’s bog not more than a week ago.

Peter

I am eager that the people should know how the Lord has helped us hitherto. Yet we must not slacken. We must bear any burden and work for the advantage of Russia.

(Applause from the Courtiers.)

Peter

The philosopher Leibnitz told me that science had traveled from the Orient to Greece, thence to Italy, France, and Germany and now is turning eastward to Russia. Now, it is our turn. The circle is complete.

(Applause.)

Theodosius

The Hellenes are not to be wondered at for bowing to heathen idols, but rather we Christians who bow to icons as idols.

Peter (as on cue)

There are many false wonders.

Theodosius

For example, the weeping Virgin of Petersburg.

Peter

Ah, I have it. (to a servant) Bring it here.

Alexis

This was well rehearsed.

(The servant produces an icon and gives it to Peter who holds it up for everyone to see.)

Peter

Here you see Milady of the Sorrows. She weeps for our sins. See. Tears flow. But how? A miracle, perhaps? (pause) No. Two little cavities in the eyes and a small hole in the body large enough to contain a sponge. Presto, the tears flow. (he dismantles the icon expertly)

(Alexis has winced during this whole proceeding. Peter discards the icon with a flourish, all present, except Alexis, applaud.)

Peter

This is the source of the miraculous tears.

Tolstoi

I confess it troubles my conscience, in that being Christians, we worship idols.

Alexis

What idols?

Tolstoi

Why, this one—the Venus. They say there is no sin because these Gods never existed. But this is where folk fatally err. Because the ancient Gods do exist.

Peter

You believe in their existence?

Tolstoi

Most certainly. The Gods are evil spirits who, being cast out of their temples in the name of Christ, sought refuge in dark and desert places.

Peter

What the devil are you talking about? Excess of reading has muddled your brain.

Tolstoi

I have myself experienced the power of evil spirits. It was Satan himself who enticed me to translate Ovid and Machiavelli. Ever since, I have been an insatiable lecher and politician. And the Goddess, Venus, haunts my dreams.

(Everyone, including Peter, laughs.)

Peter

In what guise?

Tolstoi

In the guise of Akoulina, the dancing girl.

Alexis

No doubt it was she herself you slippery old lecher.

(More laughter and applause.)

Peter

Zoon! (Peter is using Dutch)

(Alexis comes forward and bows to his father.)

Alexis

Father.

Peter

Thank you, Aliosha. Thank you for the timber. It came in the nick of time. My own supply was lost in a storm, so, but for your thoughtfulness, our latest man of war would not have been finished.

Alexis (desperately ill at ease)

Always glad to be of help.

Peter (embracing him)

God be with you.

Alexis (abashed)

Thank you, Daddy.

Peter

You must stay for the conclave.

Alexis

Ah—

(A clown dressed as the Pope enters, surrounded by Cardinals.)

Kniaz Pope

Grace and peace be unto you, noble assembly. In the name of Bacchus, may the spirit of drunkenness be with you.

(All the guests bow to his holiness and kiss his ring or his slipper as suits them. The more solemn and outlandish a mockery, the more there is applause.)

Tolstoi

I propose a toast to the Tsar and Tsaritsa.

(All drink.)

(Catherine, Peter, and Alexis drink. A cannon is fired. The Kniaz Pope anoints the guests from a brandy bottle.)

Kniaz Pope

May the drunkenness of Bacchus which passeth all understanding, in complete lack of steadiness and uprightness and sanity, be with you all the days of thy lives.

(Cannon fire.)

(The Tsaritsa, pulling up her skirt, begins to dance.)

Peter

Count Tolstoi, it has come to our attention that you have an unnatural aversion to oysters. Is it so?

Tolstoi (backing away)

I can’t abide the filthy things.

Peter

Therefore, you must consume two buckets of them.

(Tolstoi bolts to escape but the Cardinals grab him and bring him back. A servant with two pails of oysters appears. Peter shucks one and dangles it before Tolstoi’s face.)

Peter (laughing)

Open wide.

Tolstoi (through his teeth)

Never!

Peter

Will you refuse your Tsar?

Tolstoi

About this, yes!

Peter (grasping Tolstoi’s jaw and prying it open by brute force)

For Tsar and Country, Count.

(More cannon fire. Alexis, who has been drinking, now slumps down in a stupor. Several persons are beginning to fight. Catherine whirls by in a wild dance. Peter forces the oyster down Tolstoi’s throat.)

Peter (shucking another oyster)

One down. Only a hundred and forty-nine more.

(Tolstoi looks bilious and tries to vomit. More cannon fire.)