Читать книгу Confident Children: Help children feel good about themselves - Gael Lindenfield, Gael Lindenfield - Страница 28

Read slowly through the following ‘parenting messages’ and take notice of your reaction to each. Taking each in turn, ask yourself:

1 Would my parents have agreed with the belief behind this message? Or did they act as though they agreed with it?

2 Did any other significant figures hold this belief dear to their hearts (e.g. teacher or grandparent)?

3 As a child, was my confidence positively or adversely affected in any way by this belief?

Children are certain cares but uncertain comforts

Children should be seen and not heard

You cannot put an old head on young shoulders

The fine pullett shows excellence from the egg

A child may have too much of his mother’s blessing

Spare the rod spoil the child

Little things please little minds

Soon ripe soon rotten

Make a list of sayings, statements or beliefs which you feel may have stunted the growth of your confidence. These do not have to be well-known like those above, they could be sentences or quotes which, for you, sum up the philosophy behind the ‘faulty’ messages you received about parenting. For example:

‘Parents always know best’

‘You’re just a child, you could never understand’

‘Boys are more important than girls’

‘Girls are much better at relationships than boys’

Show this list to your partner (or anyone else whom you may be able to talk to on the subject) and ask them to tell you whether they recognize the influence of these beliefs in the way you are bringing up your children. Ask them to help you become more aware of when their influence is operating, perhaps against your own will. Make sure that you don’t invite unhelpful general put-downs. What you need is specific feedback such as:

‘I know you were very excited, but at lunchtime you were talking again way over the children’s heads and Paul couldn’t get a word in edgeways.’ (Children should be seen and not heard.)

‘Your tone of voice sounded a bit patronizing when you were talking to Jane about her Christmas list.’ (Little things please little minds.)

Start to reprogramme your mind with alternative, positive messages. Make a list of your own beliefs about good parenting and pin these up in a prominent place. Read them frequently and affirm them by saying them out loud from time to time. (You could use the List of Rights on page 134.)

Not only were such experiences good for my relationships with my daughters, they also were feeding and satisfying some important needs in the child part of me which craved fun and intimacy. On these occasions I would return to my adult responsibilities refreshed and invigorated.

There were also many other times when this part of me did not play such a positive role. This was when my own unmet needs from childhood were in the ‘driving seat’ of my unconscious. For example, because I grew up in a very insecure atmosphere, my inner child’s need for ‘peace at any price’ overshadowed my daughter’s need to learn to negotiate and argue. Also, because I had been the subject of so much bullying, I had a ‘childish’ urge to get revenge. So when I did let go of my pent-up anger, I could be unjustifiably petty and spiteful.

John Bradshaw, one of the leading experts in this field, explains in his book, Homecoming:

‘… when a child’s development is arrested, when feelings are repressed, especially the feelings of hurt, a person grows up to be an adult with an angry, hurt child inside of him. This child will spontaneously contaminate the person’s adult behaviours.’

So, those of us who have an over-abundance of unmet needs or unresolved feelings from childhood are likely to find that from time to time our auto-parent is unconsciously being ‘driven’ by our wounded inner child which has been programmed with many self-destructive and hurtful habits and responses. As a result, we may find ourselves unconsciously driven to satisfy needs that are, in fact, incompatible, inconsistent, insatiable and in direct conflict with the development of our children’s confidence.

There will, of course, be times when we are only too aware that we have behaved in a damaging, ‘childish’ manner and then, hopefully, most of us will quickly apologize to our children and tell them how we would have preferred to respond. Unfortunately, it is also highly likely that there will be times when we will be totally unaware that our wounded inner child is in the driving seat. In fact, we may be defensively convinced that we are acting in the best interests of our child! For example:

A parent with a jealous inner child, enforcing some ridiculously oppressive curfew rule on a teenager might say –

‘Your generation has no idea what the word “strict” even means. It may be hard for you to understand why I insist on this time, but I know that when you are older, you’ll appreciate that it was good for you and we had your interests at heart.’

or,

A parent with an over-anxious inner child squashing a minor quarrel between two children might say –

‘I’m putting you both to bed right now to save you pulling each other’s eyes out.’

Such rationalizations just pour more oil on the troubled waters, because the confusion which such ‘double messages’ cause in the minds of our children will inhibit most of them from answering or fighting back. Instead, their self-esteem gets yet another dent as they conclude that the problem (whatever it seems to be) must be their fault. (After all, children will always strive to think the very best of their parents, even against overwhelming evidence to the contrary.)

‘I had another terrible screaming match this morning with Kate. She wanted to make her own way to school. She says she feels stupid being taken in the car such a short distance and that all her friends get the bus. She says I never trust her.

‘I went part-time just so I could take the kids to school. I know what happens on those buses – I’ve heard about the drug pushers. Kate’s so easily led. There’s no way that I am going to let any of my kids go through what I went through – you know what it did to me. Do you think I am being overprotective?’

Unless your childhood was blissfully free of hurts, disappointment and loss, the chances are that you too have a wounded inner child which could spoil your adult efforts to build your child’s confidence. I’ve listed below some of the most common ‘sabotage patterns’, together with the kind of things we might be saying, or thinking, at the time. I have then noted an example of an inner child wound which is commonly a root cause of the damaging behaviour.

If, after reading this list your warning bells have begun to sound, don’t despair, you can do something to change these unhelpful patterns. (Please see the exercise on pages 34–35.)

SABOTAGE	WORDS OR THOUGHTS	INNER CHILD WOUND
Over-compensation	‘I’m going to make sure my children don’t have to go through what I went through.’	Often the result of hurt or disappointment.
Over-dependency	‘I’m sure I’m doing it wrong, I’ll have to ask Jill or get a new book on the subject.’	Often a result of not having enough approval.
Inappropriate imitation	‘We always did it this way when I was a child.’	Often the result of love being given too conditionally.
Over-protectiveness	‘A person can’t be too careful.’	Often the result of insecurity or frightening experiences or being ‘smothered’ with protection.
Over-ambitiousness	‘Only “A” grades are good enough.’	Often a result of having under-achieved as a child.
Perfectionism	‘There’s no point in trying if I can’t do it properly.’	Often a result of not being allowed to make mistakes or take risks.
Over-seriousness	‘Life is hard – the sooner my children learn that lesson the better.’	Often the result of having had to grow up too quickly.
Irresponsibility	‘Let’s have another drink and let fate take care of tomorrow.’	Often the result of being either over– or under-controlled as a child.
Revenge	‘It won’t do them any harm to suffer a bit – we had it a lot tougher than them.’	Often the result of emotional or physical abuse.
Bullying	‘You’ll do as I say or else.’	Often a result of having been hurt and deprived of reasonable rights as a child.
Inflexibility	‘You’ve made your bed, now you have to lie in it.’	Often a result of having to come to terms with apparently unchangeable negative situations.
Uncontrolled emotions	‘I couldn’t stop myself – you made me so angry.’	Often a result of having emotions repressed and not being given advice on how to handle them.