Читать книгу Faithful Sexuality - Gary L. Grafwallner - Страница 7

Neva was a widow in the first parish I served. In her seventies, she lived on a railroader’s tiny pension plus Social Security in a small house on a hill outside the city limits. She heated her house with wood, had no indoor plumbing, and got water from a catch fed by a spring that ran eleven months of the year. She gardened, grew flowers, and made all sorts of craft art out of stuff others discarded.

Neva had one daughter who lived in the middle of the state, but there wasn’t a lot of contact. I was unofficially adopted as her son. She would drop by the office to bring me flowers, baked goods, or to gift me with a piece of pottery or small craft item she had fashioned. It quickly became apparent that she was lonely.

One evening during a week my wife was out of town, Neva treated me to a homemade chicken dinner with all the trimmings. It was obvious she had pulled out all the stops. I felt as though I had been treated like royalty. As I got up to leave, I gave her a hug. A tear came to her eyes so I asked, “Neva, what’s wrong?” “You are the first man who’s hugged me since my husband died.” I asked her how long ago that had been and she told me slightly more than twenty years had passed since his death. Can you imagine not receiving a hug for twenty years? I wonder how any people who knew her even suspected her loneliness.

Ten years later I attended a Leadership Skills Institute sponsored by the Episcopal Church. A lot of it dealt with small group process. After one week together, the normal social barriers were down and all the participants were quite open about expressing their feelings. One facilitator warned us about what she referred to as the “TLF” syndrome. She went on to explain the way some people functioned behaviorally was as follows: “I touch you. I love you. I f—k you.” Not only in that group but in any relationship, we need to be aware of all the messages our touch can communicate or miscommunicate.

I had a very talented creative colleague who couldn’t keep his hands off female parishioners. This was many years before the Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill hearings. He denied this was a problem even after women began to call the bishop’s office. He and his wife were asked to seek out a counselor. It was rumored he and his wife were having problems in their marriage. He continued to make light of his inappropriate remarks and behavior. When other women complained that his behavior continued, ultimately he had to resign since he couldn’t abide by the church’s guidelines. He became a fireman. A pastor had become a predator.

All clergy and religious church workers have been required by our bishop to attend a sexual harassment workshop because of all the litigation which the church is involved with. This was a professional consciousness–raiser and a corporate measure to protect the church’s backside. Many of my colleagues will no longer pick up children or hug or kiss children, teens, or adults out of fear of a lawsuit.

Some would say the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction. But last year a female colleague who is a single woman serving a parish as the sole pastor wrote an excellent newsletter article, “Touch in the Congregation.” She indicated many men seem to think they can hug or touch her every time they see her. Her viewpoint is, “It’s not always welcome or appropriate.” She was asking for a new sensitivity and respect on the part of all congregational members. “I don’t want to violate your space but I also need appropriate boundaries to protect myself,” she wrote to her congregation.

Can there be a happy medium? Perhaps we need to ask permission to discover whether someone is open to a hug or kiss. That may seem unnatural if you’re a hugger, but it’s also a safeguard. We dare not assume everyone needs or welcomes our touch when we want to demonstrate our affection. I believe it’s better to check it out than be burned. But in the spontaneity of the moment sometimes I still forget, catch myself, and apologize.

Questions for Reflection

• When you feel you want to touch a particular person, ask yourself what you think your motivation is. Is the feeling mutual? Are there potential dangers?

• What kind of touch do you welcome? When? From whom?

• If you are uncomfortable with someone’s touch, are you able to say so clearly?

Prayer

• Loving God, help us not to misuse the gift of touch. Let all touch be a sign of human and holy affection and your care. Amen.