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Chapter Twenty One

A weekend with people who don’t all know each other is always a gamble. All you need is one no-speakies couple, one tired/ insecure/premenstrual girl who wants to take it out on everyone else, one hammered guy and well, the whole thing becomes a disaster time bomb.

As I’m discovering.

I don’t know what Bella’s problem is, and I’m not sure that I care. She’s being what my mother would call ‘a right little madam’. Snapping at her boyfriend Ollie, snapping at Dave, snapping at Luke, offering negative comments whenever she can – in fact, the only person she’s nice to is Robert, whom, slightly irritatingly, she seems to adore. It’s adding a distinct edge to the day.

Not that we’re not having a good time. We are. We’re the noisiest and least popular people in Autignac, and our loud, tipsy voices continually echo around the quiet village square. Sophie hates tension, so she’s dealing with the Bella situation by getting drunk with Vix and JimmyJames.

‘I went on a weekend away with just Robbie once,’ says Dave thoughtfully. ‘And it was, second to none, the best three days of silence I’ve ever had.’

‘Perhaps there was nothing worth saying,’ says Robert.

‘Well, you say nothing very well indeed,’ replies Dave.

Robert ignores him. Sitting in between them has been like watching a tennis match for much of the afternoon. There’s been a lot of biting put-downs.

Dave starts talking with JimmyJames about the time they stole Luke’s phone and changed all the contact names to ‘The Mexican’.

At one point during the story, Dave stretches out his arms to rest behind my chair and Sophie’s on the other side. His arm is just touching my back and a bit of my hair, but I feel like sparks are flying off me. It’s the kind of move Robert makes all the time, but with Robert I tend to lean back on his arm like it’s a pillow (sometimes I even pretend to plump it up to make it more comfortable). I can’t be that unselfconscious now: I fancy him too much.

As well as being incredibly, head-turningly good-looking, Dave is quick and witty and deeply, deeply confident. A killer combination. Every time his laughing blue eyes meet mine, my stomach flickers with nerves. It’s the kind of attraction that makes you crease up with longing. The kind that I’ve never, ever felt before. I’m sure it must be obvious to everyone around me.

So where is everything I’ve learned from Robert’s boot camp for single girls, you ask? I have no idea. I seem to have regressed to my early teenage years, when shyness made me silent and prone to nervous giggling around every boy in the entire world, whilst eternally longing/fearing that they might kiss me.

‘Why are you called JimmyJames, by the way?’ asks Vix.

‘Because on his first day of university, when he met the three of us, we said, what’s your name, and he said “Jimmy – uh, James”,’ replies Dave on his behalf.

‘Thanks, pretty boy. It was my one chance to not be called Jimmy anymore,’ says JimmyJames sadly. ‘And I fucked it up.’

‘It’s kind of weird how you three went to the same school and the same university,’ says Sophie.

I find my voice. ‘You’re in love with each other,’ I croak, and immediately blush as everyone looks at me. Argh. My nerves are getting on my nerves.

‘She’s right,’ says Bella. ‘It’s sick. I mean, it’s just fucking weird.’

I didn’t mean it in a derogatory way, I want to say, but Bella has twisted the conversation into a nasty corner. Everyone moves on.

‘I’ll always be the new boy in the group, and I’ve known them for 12 years,’ says JimmyJames.

‘Hardly a boy anymore,’ says Dave. ‘And Robbiekins and I fell out of love a long time ago, though he secretly still adores me and I enjoy patronising him.’ He turns to Robert and sweetly adds : ‘“Patronising” means when people are talking down to you, dearie.’

Robert’s face doesn’t change.

Dave’s phone rings. ‘It’s my mother,’ he says, and presses ‘answer’. ‘Mummy dearest! How may I be of service?’ He pauses, and, clearly playing to his audience, rolls his eyes. ‘Why are you calling me about this again? I thought that – well I’m just – but I don’t – fine. I’ll put him on.’ He throws his phone to Robert. ‘Explain the Sky box to her. I can’t do it again.’

Covering the phone speaker with his hand to drown out everyone’s shouts of laughter, Robert walks away from the table.

Dave sighs. ‘I can’t handle my mother when she’s being like that. I always tell her to call him. She loves him more than me, anyway.’

‘She does,’ agrees Luke. ‘She loves me more than you, too.’

‘So, the wedding,’ says Sophie. ‘Can we talk about that? Since it’s what we’re here to do? Sorry, Ollie, I know this is boring for you.’

‘Not at all,’ he says, smiling tightly. He and Bella have been talking via eye-contact for the past few minutes, I’ve noticed. Funny how fighting couples do that.

‘What am I wearing?’ says Dave. ‘I look exceptionally nice in a morning suit.’

‘None of that shit,’ says Luke dismissively. ‘Just a well-cut dark grey suit.’

‘What?’ says Dave, outraged, as Robert sits back down at the table. ‘Robert, have you heard about this? Plain suits? Is this a wedding or another day at the office?’

‘Your mother sends her love . . . to Luke,’ says Robert, throwing the mobile phone at Dave.

‘Think Oceans 11, OK, Dave?’ says Sophie placatingly. ‘Sheesh! You are a diva. And girls, how do you feel about pale silvery-grey dresses, I’ve bookmarked a few different styles so you can choose one that suits you.’

‘Sounds like a fairytale,’ says Bella acerbically.

Sophie’s face falls. She’s spent hours looking for dresses, and was so worried about what Vix and Bella would say that she was almost ill. In the end, I spent an entire Sunday with her going over her shortlist, and we agreed that if we all wore identical dresses we’d look like cushions on a sofa. Plus, Vix is short with enormous boobs, so she’d be the overstuffed cushion.

Now, Bella doesn’t know all this. But it shouldn’t matter. God, I hate rudeness. I turn and stare at Bella pointedly. No one fucks with my sister.

‘I can’t wait,’ says Vix pointedly, glancing at Bella and then back at us with a big smile. ‘I look fantastic in pale grey.’

‘Bella doesn’t like anything that’s not about her,’ says Dave. ‘Just ignore her. I do.’

‘Oh, fuck off,’ snaps Bella.

Sophie smiles glassily, but her eyes look sad. And I’m furious. I narrow my eyes at Bella. Just shut up.

‘The night before the wedding, we’re having a rehearsal dinner,’ says Luke.

‘Can I give a speech at that? I want to give at least one speech, somewhere,’ says JimmyJames cheerfully, tossing a peanut into the air to catch in his mouth. He misses it completely, as he has every other time he’s tried all afternoon.

‘What’s the date again?’ asks Dave.

‘Are you serious? March 7,’ says Luke, throwing a cork at his head. ‘I will tattoo it to your chest if I need to.’

‘Chill out, groomzilla,’ says Dave, calmly. ‘Now, listen. I want four buttons on the cuff. And just half an inch of sleeve showing.’

Vix and Sophie start talking about necklines and dress lengths, and JimmyJames, Luke and Dave about three-vs-four buttons. Bella and Ollie are staring at each other furiously again.

I glance at Robert, who’s turned very pale. I immediately know why: he’s just remembered that he has to make the best man speech. I’ve witnessed him remember it every couple of days ever since that night in The Pantechnicon Rooms. The warning signs are always the same. His colour drains, he stares into space, his brow furrows even further than usual, and he starts to bite the cuticle on his left thumb.

I put a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

‘It’ll be fine,’ I whisper. ‘We’ll write it together, remember?’

Robert takes a deep breath and nods. ‘OK.’

‘I’ve got notes. There’s a formula for how you do it. I found it on the internet.’

Robert glances over at me and grins. ‘Thanks, Abby, darling. Such a geek, always making notes.’

‘Shut up. You need me.’

‘What’s all this?’ shouts Dave. ‘You two are very close, aren’t you? Let’s make it a double wedding!’

‘No!’ I exclaim, a bit too quickly. ‘Finally,’ says Dave, clapping his hands and staring at me with his ridiculously blue eyes. ‘Someone impervious to Rob’s endless charms.’

‘The competitive streak between you two is weird,’ says Sophie.

‘You’re just saying that because you went for the albino,’ says Dave.

‘I think he’s far more handsome than either you or Rob, actually,’ she retorts, flushed with angry loyalty.

‘I agree,’ I say, trying to help, then realise I sound like I fancy my future brother-in-law. Ah well, may as well roll with it. ‘I mean . . . yeah. Luke is totally hot.’

‘It’s true, I am extraordinarily good-looking,’ nods Luke, swigging his beer. ‘Shame no one knew it when I was growing up with these two. They used to have snogging competitions at our school socials. It was disgusting.’

‘It’s not a competition when one of you is a born winner,’ says Dave.

‘It’s certainly not a competition when one of the contestants was 5’4” until he was 18,’ says Robert. ‘You were far prettier than most of those girls, I admit.’

‘Until I was 15,’ says Dave loudly, to drown out everyone’s laughter. ‘I was 15 when I had my growth spurt, actually. I can’t help that my voice didn’t break when I was six, like some people.’

‘Nature picks the real men early,’ says Robert, grinning. Finally, he’s snapped out of his mood. When he’s quiet, it’s very noticeable.

‘Why don’t you real men go to the bar, then?’ suggests Sophie. ‘We’ve run out of drinks.’

The guys get up and run towards the door of the bar, pulling each other and fighting to get inside first. Robert wins, followed by Dave. Luke walks in with JimmyJames hanging onto his back like a koala. Ollie follows them sedately, and would appear to be the only sober one if it wasn’t for the fact that he misses the step and stumbles inside.

‘Frank’s gonna love them,’ says Sophie drily.

‘Are they always like that?’ asks Vix. ‘So, um, competitive?’

‘Yes,’ say Sophie and Bella in unison, and both start laughing. I think it’s the first time Bella’s laughed today, though I’m still peeved with her for the fairytale comment. Then there’s an awkward pause.

‘Ollie seems lovely,’ says Vix. Untruthfully.

‘You think? He’s fucking furious at me. We’ve never fought for 24 hours straight,’ she says, and pauses. ‘It’s actually kind of fun.’

There’s a pause, but no one is game to ask her what they’re fighting about. Bella lights a cigarette and sighs, and for a second, I think she might cry.

Then she looks up and assumes her normal sexy-bemused mask. I wonder if she’s just unhappy.

‘I heart Robert, by the way,’ says Vix. ‘He’s gorgeous. I bags being his partner in the ceremony.’

‘I don’t care who I’m partnered with, as long as it’s not fucking Dave,’ says Bella.

Sophie smiles nervously. ‘I’m sure you two can get on for one, um, night?’

‘I wouldn’t bet on it,’ says Bella.

The inevitable awkward pause that follows is relieved only by the guys spilling out of the bar, shouting at each other.

Dave and Robert are stuck in the doorway, shoulder to shoulder, as neither will let the other out first. Robert eventually wins, as he’s the taller and broader one. Dave looks thunderous, and immediately heads across the square to make a phone call. Robert sits down next to me.

‘Abbyyyy . . .’ he croons, propping his legs over mine as though they were a footstool.

‘Oh, no. When you’re singing at me, I know we’re in trouble,’ I say, swinging my knees away so his feet crash to the floor.

‘A bit like when you’re sleeping on me,’ he retorts.

‘One time!’ I say. ‘I fell asleep in a cab once! And you won’t let me forget it.’

‘Actually, you did it that night we went out in Shoreditch about a month ago, too, remember? And you snogged that hipster guy with a beard,’ says Robert.

‘Beardy!’ I’m delighted at the memory. ‘He was far too cool for me, though. I mean, I was a Brownie. I just don’t think ex-Brownies can ever be hipsters. We’re a bit uncool forever.’

‘Do you still have your Brownie uniform? I love playing dress-up,’ says Dave, who has finished his phone call and is back at the table. I didn’t realise, or I’d never be able to talk so unself-consciously. My face is hot again, and I don’t know what to say, so I just frown up at him.

As I look away, I meet Bella’s eye, she stares at me without expression for a second, and then looks away. God, she’s unpleasant. So unlike Luke. He’s sitting on Sophie’s lap now, nuzzling her head lovingly. JimmyJames starts singing ‘That’s amore’. Robert and Dave join in, very loudly.

‘I think we should take this party home,’ says Sophie, as yet another local woman pauses and frowns at us.

‘I knew it was a swingers’ party,’ says Dave.

‘Christ, can you keep it in your pants for one night?’ snaps Bella.

‘Easy, kids,’ says Robert. ‘Everyone be nice.’

Sophie and I exchange a worried glance as we leave the square. This is not going as we planned.