Читать книгу The Fiddler Is a Good Woman - Geoff Berner - Страница 7

Dharma Lodge, Galiano Island, B.C., 2015

Oh, well, you know, DD has a lot of issues. I should know. I just want to say for the record I was her first real love. I was the first real marriage-like partnership she had, and there’s still no one who has been with her longer than me. I guess the work I had to do when it came to DD, the lesson that was there for me in my journey, was that we are responsible for our own journeys, but not for everyone else’s.

I gave a lot of love to DD. I put a lot of work into us. DD, frankly, did not. But I don’t think the work I did was a waste, because, ultimately, I know we are going to be together again. There have just been too many signs of that, over the years. I don’t feel comfortable talking about them. They were extremely intimate signs. But I feel like when she’s learned what she needs to learn, that’s when we’ll be able to pick up again where we left off, but further down a path of wisdom.

What does she need to learn? She needs to learn patience. To not just run around looking for something that’s not to be found, like how she’s obviously run away from her problems again recently. Obviously she needs to learn to just be still, and mindful, and feel where she is at the moment. And she needs to work on being less selfish, and she needs to confront some of her — excuse me — shit. Life shit that she’s afraid of confronting. She’s still totally in denial about a lot of the things that happened in her childhood. Look, I’m telling you that I have done a lot of work with people who suffered abuse, and I always offered to work with her, and she was very re­­sist­ant to just letting me get right in there and help her.

Our connection happened before I ever heard her play. It was not about “oh, I’m going to be with this rock-star violinist” or anything, for me. Our connection was deeper. In a way, her music was like a disability for her. Because it was a distraction from the real work she needed to be doing. She could go off into her music, and I would be like, “Hello? You really need to put down that thing and look at me, and deal with some of the shit that’s holding you back here,” and she would just clam up, or take off on the road, for weeks and weeks, leaving me to just — what? Sit around on this island and wait for her? And then she would finally come home and be fucking sick, from all the toxins she would put in her body while she was out there drinking red wine and smoking cigarettes with Rosalyn Knight and eating literal shit at Burger King with Brody. Then she would want to be babied, and she’d want to be mothered, and then she’d sleep for like, three days, I’m telling you, like, really, three days of being just a rumpled roll of bedclothes where you were thinking, I need to poke this person and just say are you even alive?

And then there was all the cheating. Why not call it what it is? What she is. She is a cheater. That’s just who she is. That’s another way her music really held her back, in a lot of ways. Because every time she came off the stage, like everywhere, there was always some wide-eyed little (I’m sorry, but it’s true) slut running up to her and practically begging for her to fuck her. Everywhere. Even times when I would be there, and she would dedicate a song to me from the stage, they would still come. I don’t have a lot of great things to say about Rosalyn Knight, but she got it right when she called DD the “gateway lesbian.” I couldn’t tell you the number of times girls ran up to her and told her, “Oh my God! I only just realized I might be bisexual just now! When I heard you play the violin!” No, honestly. I’m telling you. They would say that when I was right beside her. With my arm around her.

So, you see it would be so very easy for me to say, hey, I don’t bloody care where she is. I hope she rots in hell. She is a liar. You reap what you sow. But in fact, because of that, frankly, instead I actually feel extremely sorry for her. I believe in love above all things, and I know that our destinies are intertwined in a very, very deep way. We are soulmates. And at some point in time, when she’s ready, when her journey has taken her where she needs to go, I still believe that we will one day be together. That is all I have to say.