Читать книгу The History of the Hen Fever. A Humorous Record - George P. Burnham - Страница 13

By this time my correspondence with gentlemen in all parts of America and Great Britain had got to be rather extended. I took from the post-office from ten to twenty-five or thirty letters, daily; and amongst them were some curious samples of orthography, etymology, syntax, and prosody. I offer the annexed specimens – of course without names or dates – merely to show how the young aspirants for fame (in the poultry-trade) felt, about those days; and, also, to give some idea of the progress of the fever among us, as time passed by, etc. etc.

No. 1

Sir – Mr. Burnham;

i red in Nu england poultry breeder that yu kep fouls an aigs for sail. i want one duzen aigs if tha doant cum tu tu mutch. ime a poor mann an carnt pa a gret pris. wot can yu cend me a duzen of yure best aigs for. ansur by male and direck yure leter tu me tu mi dress.

Yr Respec'y, &c.

– .

No. 2

My Dear Sir:

I am a poor clergyman, and I have some leisure, which I can devote to raising a few good fowls. If your price is not too high for the rather limited contents of my purse, please inform me, by return of mail, what you can furnish me with pure Cochin-China eggs for. I am desirous to procure a few; and I prefer that you would select for me, – in a half-dozen, say two male and four female eggs. I suggest this, because I am informed that your long experience in this interesting branch of rural economy has enabled you to decide (upon examining them) whether eggs will produce cocks or pullets. Your early answer will confer a favor on,

Sir, yours, truly,

– .

No. 3

Mr. Burman:

I close you ten dolls. Cend me a doz. of your Cotchen Chiny eggs rite away – cause I hav a hen thats been a setting on some stones I put under her now most a week. You rote me that you would hav them about this time, you know. Cend them by – 's Express, and tell the man who fetches them not to turn the box over, at all. I want half and half – that is to say, half cock eggs, and half hen eggs. You know what I mean by this. Them that has the sharp ends on to one side – them's the cocks, and them that's round and smooth at both ends – them's the hens. Forwud immediately, and mark with care glass this side up – don't shake this with speed.

Yours, &c.

– .

No. 4

G.P. Burnham, Esq.

Dear Sir: I saw your beautiful Cochin-China fowls last week, in the paper, and am desirous to obtain a few eggs from them, if possible.

Will they hatch under our common hens? Or, must we have the pure bloods to sit upon them? I am a novice, somewhat, in this business. I enclose you twelve dollars (the price for a dozen, I believe), which please forward, at your early convenience, by express, and oblige

Yours, &c.

– .

No. 5

Friend Burnham:

Enclosed please find ten dollars for another dozen of your pure Cochin-China eggs. The first ones you sent me (from some cause) did not hatch. I have kept a hen (a very good sitter, too) upon that first lot, constantly, for four weeks, now – and I don't believe I shall get a chick, you see! So, please forward these now, right away– because my hen will get tired of waiting, you know, if I don't keep her right along, steady. The $10 you will find within.

Yours, resp'y,

– .

P.S. Can you inform me what is good for lice on fowls? I find that my hen is covered with a million of them, now. Don't forget this, please.1

No. 6

Sur – wen i cum to boston nex weak i want to see yure poltry i am a ole hand at the bizness myself an I like to see good kinds of poltry every ware. i see yurn in the paper an i like them verry much can yu sel a hen without a cock, i have sevral cocks now of the black dawkin pure bred and fine an i would change one of them with yu for a cochon chiner hen if yu say so. answer by fust male.

Yure in haist

– .

No. 7

Dear Sir: Yours duly received. I did not suppose that the price of the "Cochins" was so high – but I must have a trio of them, at any figure. I enclose you fifty dollars for them, agreeably with your proposal, relying upon your known good taste in selections, and upon your proverbial reputation as regards the keeping only of pure stock. Send them by Adams & Co.'s Express, in a roomy cage. If they are prime, my neighbors will very shortly order from you, I am sure.

Yours, resp'y,

– .

No. 8

Mr. Barnam:

Them two fowls I bought of you, by seeing the pictur in the newspaper, and which I paid you $35 cash down on the nail for, aint what they're cracked up to be – not by a long short, sir. Now, what I want you to do is to sen me back my munney, or I'll prosecute you and put you in prizon for cheating people by false pertences. I was so mad when I took them out of the box that I'd a good mine to kill an eat em both on the spot.2 I aint no hen-man, I'd have you to understan, an you can't come none of this kine of nonsense over me. Sen me back my munney, or I'll complain of you in tu days before a Justis of the Peas – a friend of mine, that'll give you fits if you air a big man. I don't keer for that. I want my munney. The fowls is both sick, too. Answer this tu once, or els sen me back my munney.3

– .

No. 9

G.P. Burnham; Esq.:

I saw a cage of superb Cochin-China fowls from your yard, yesterday, en route to Mobile. Can you duplicate them? If so, at what price? I had understood that a Mr. – kept choice fowls. I visited his place, but saw none there that seemed worth the taking away. If you can send me such a trio as I saw at Adams & Co.'s, let me know it immediately, and your price for them. How shall I remit you?

Yours, &c.

– .

No. 10

Mr. Burnham:

I enclose you one hundred dollars, by check on Shoe and Leather Dealers' Bank, Boston (No. 417), to your order, for the fine fowls you describe in yours received this day. They should be good ones, as I have no doubt they are. Forward, at once,

And believe me,

Yours,

– .

No. 11

G.B. Burnham, Boston.

Sir: When I paid you $25 (twenty-five dolls.) for a pair of Cochin-China chickens, according to your own terms, I did not suppose you would dare to send to me (whom you must know to be a judge of all kinds of poultry) a pair of Shanghaes, instead of those I ordered!4 I want none but pure-bred fowls in my collection, nor will I have them there, either. I have now a plenty of the Shanghaes, and I ordered a pair of Cochin-Chinas of you. Now, I want to know what you will do in this matter. Will you send me a pair of Cochins, or not? That is all I want to know at present.

From

Yours, truly,

– .

P.S. I am a lawyer by profession; and I submit to no imposition of this sort, you may be sure.

No. 12

G.P. Burnham.

My Dear Sir:

The magnificent "Cochin-China" birds you forwarded me last are the admiration of every one who beholds them; and I am greatly your debtor for this superb lot of fowls. My neighbor, Hon. Mr. M – , desires me to request you to forward him four as nearly like mine as possible, and your draft on me, at sight, for the cost, will be duly honored. He can afford (and is willing) to pay liberally for them.5 Charge him accordingly; but be careful that you do not send him finer samples than mine are, – which, by the way, I do not think possible. I enclose you draft for $120, on Merchants' Bank, Boston, for your bill. And am

Yours, truly, – .

No. 13

Sir – I hav alwas heerd yu was a scamp, and now I know yu are.6 Them egs yu sent me was smasht all up, an they was runnin' down the sides of the box. What am I to do with them, sir – do yu think? Do yu spose I've gut money so plenty as to throw it way in this manner? Yu didn't put in harf meal anuf, and the hole of them was spilte, besides being roten I hav no manner of dout. Now if yu send me back the six dolls. that the postmaster see me put into my fust letter to yu, all's well an good. And ef yu don't, see if I don't publis yu and yure caracter tu the hole wurld yu infermus cheet yu. Yu'd aughter be ashamed tu send a man egs that wa, anny how. So no more at present tell I heer from yu.

– .

No. 14

Friend Burnham:

I have heard creditable accounts of thy poultry (of the Cochin-China variety), and I am induced from common rumor to believe thee a man who dealeth justly and honorably. I desire to procure a few of these choice fowls, if not too expensive; and will thank thee to inform me what thy price is for such, at ages varying from four to eight months old. Thy early reply will oblige thy friend and well-wisher,

– .

No. 15

G.P. Burnham, Esq. – Dear Sir: Send me ten trios more of the Cochin-China chickens, immediately. If you can put them down to $35 the trio, now, it will leave me a better margin. All the others are sold, at $60 the trio. Enclosed is draft on Bank of Commerce, Boston, for $400.

In haste, yours,

– .

No. 16

Sir —

I want tu get sum coshin chiney aggs, them as will hatch out chickns with fethers onto the leggs an no mistaik. if you got them kind yu can cend me wun dusen an i will cen yu bak the munny wen the chickns is hached with fethers onto there leggs not otherwise. If yu dont like tu cend them on this turms yu can keepe 'em yureself. I bort too duzsen eg in bostun an their wasn't none of em had no fethers on the leg, i mene the chick'ns, wen tha was hached. an I dont expek i shall be fuled no mor by no such humbugg by a good dele. i pade my munny for genwine aigs and I donte see no reesun wy peeple isn't onnest. How could i tell wether their was chickns in the egs or not? of course i cou'dn't. and i doant consider sech bissiness no bettern than cheetin rite out. i bort em twict this wa, an i sharnt be fuled agin arter waitin as I did both times over three weeks. ef yu will plese to sen me the pure aigs abuv menciond and wate tell tha hach fether leggs chickns, well an good, ive no dout yu air a onnest man, cos all the noospapers pufs yu. But sum of the hen traiders aint no better than thaid oughter be – that's my pinion.7

Yours &c. etc. – .

No. 17

Mr. P.B. Burnum; Sur,

If you hav enny of them big Cokin Shiney fowl, that eat off tops of flour barils, I want sum. I gut a big nufoulan dogg that ways hard onto 140 pouns, and I want tu cell him, an git sum of them Cokin Shinys. This dogg is a gud dogg and dont eat much. I feed him on fish and hoggs hasslits and it dont cost much to keep him. He bitt a pedler's arm most off yisterday, but he woudnt be much trubble to you, if you kep him chaind all the time sose he couldnt bite nobody. If you will rite me what you ask for yure fowls, I will inform you what I ask for my dog. I dont want none nless thay can eat off tops of flour barrils, of course. Them's the kind for me.8 Anser by return mail.

Yours Resp'y,

– .

No. 18

G.P. Burnham, Esq.:

I have got a Shanghae cock weighing 15-1/2 pounds, and I want a few hens to match him. Can you supply me? My crower stands three feet four inches high, and his middle toe measures 7-1/2 inches in length. What do you think of that? I want six twelve-pound hens. Dr. Bennett can supply me, I presume; but I want pure-bred stock. I have no doubt my crower will weigh eighteen or nineteen pounds, at two years old; he is now only eight months old! Let me hear from you.

Resp'y, – .

No. 19

Mr. Burnham:

I always took you to be a man of honor, and I supposed you knew (if anybody did) what a Cochin-China fowl was, because you imported your stock. Now, those you sent me, and for which I willingly paid you $40 for the three, are feathered on the legs; this should not be, of course. How is this? They are fine, but I am certain they can be nothing but mere Shanghae fowls. Let me know about this, will you?

Yours, &c.

– .

No. 20

My Dear Sir:

I hardly know what to write you about the stock I had of you, six months ago, for "Cochin-Chinas." That they are not Cochins I feel positive, however; for one half the chickens came smooth-legged, and the rest are heavily-feathered on the legs!! I consider them only Shanghaes, and now I want to know if you can send me a trio of pure bloods, that you know to be Cochins. If so, I care nothing about price. I want blood. "Blood tells," you know. Let me hear from you, and state your own views in this matter. I will be governed by your advice. Enclosed is ten dollars for a dozen of your "Cochin" eggs —pure, you know.

In haste,

Yours truly, – .

No. 21

Mr. Burnham.

Sir: Do you call yourself a man of honor? I bought one doz. Cochin-China eggs of you, for which I paid you six dollars, cash. I set them, and I got but ten chickens out of them (two eggs I found rotten, in the nest). Every one of these chicks are cocks, sir —cocks! Now, what the devil can I do, do you imagine, with ten cocks? I want to breed fowls. That is what I bought the eggs for; to begin right. You must have known better than this. Anybody could have seen that these were all male eggs. I saw it, at once (I remember), but I hoped I was mistaken. What do you propose to do about this? Let me know, at once, without fail.

In haste,

– .

No. 22

Sir: You may think well of the Cochin-China fowls, – I don't. Those you sent me are long-legged, and there are no feathers on their legs, or feet, as there ought to be. I know what a Cochin-China fowl is, too well to be deceived in this way. I will keep them. You are a humbug. You are welcome to the thirty dollars I paid you. I don't ask you to return it. I don't want it. I can get along very well without it. You need it. Keep it. Much good may it do you!

In haste,

– .

P.S. Don't you wish you may get another $30 out of me, that way? O, yes – I guess you will – ha! ha!

No. 23

Mr. Barman. Dear Sir: I see in the Poultry Books that the Cotchin-China fowls lays two eggs every day,9 and sometimes three a-day. I have hens that lays two eggs a-day, frequenly, but I want to get the breed that will lay three eggs a-day, reglar. If you have got anny of the Cotchins that you know lays three eggs a-day, I would like to get a few, at a fair price. I don't pay no fancy prices for 'em, though. The hen fever won't larst forever, I don't believe; and then when its busted up, what's the fowls good for, even if they do lay three eggs a-day? Let me hear from you, – but don't send any fowls unless you are sure they lay three eggs every day!

Yours, &c.,

– .

No. 24

Mr. Burnham. – Sir: I am a gentleman, and I have no disposition to be fractious. I sent you twelve dollars, in a letter, for a dozen "Cotchin" eggs, and I set them. After waiting twenty-three days, I found two grizzled-colored chickens in the nest yesterday, both of them with huge top-knots on their polls! What does this mean? Am I to be swindled out of my money thus? By return of mail if you do not refund my money, if I live I will prosecute you, if it costs me a thousand dollars. You may rely on this. I am not a man to be trifled with, and I refer you to Messrs. – & – , who know me; you evidently do not!

In haste,

– .

[I did not reply to this spicy favor, because, if the gentleman really was not a "fractious" man, I imagined he would like his pure-bred chickens better as they grew up; and, besides, I could afford to wait for "a gentleman" to cool off. I never heard from him, afterwards; and concluded that he didn't live to carry out his laudable intention of expending a thousand dollars in prosecuting me! I trust that, before he departed, he became hopefully pious. Peace to his manes!]

No. 25

Sir: Them fouls you sent me, got the sore-hed. I gin em tuppentyn and unyuns and brandy, but it want no use. The poletry books sed so, and I follered the direction, and it killed 'em both deader'n thunder, in one night! Now you've gut my mony, and I haint narry fowls. What'll I do? Don't you think this a pooty impersition? Send me another pear, to once – if you don't want fits.

In haist,

– .

[I sent this man "another pear," – only I didn't!]