Читать книгу The World According to Gogglebox - Gogglebox - Страница 6

PREFACE

Tania Alexander

Jim Royle’s likely dismissive scoffing at an episode of Gogglebox is pretty much the reaction a lot of people had when we presented them with the idea of a TV show where we watch people watching television. To them, it seemed like the moment when TV was about to eat itself whole and regurgitate the contents of its own stomach across the screen.

But that was, of course, before they’d seen a single frame of it.

Gogglebox required us to believe in one simple notion: that the great British public knows best when it comes to what the television makers serve up. The moment when it became clear that this very simple idea would work was when we filmed our very first audition with one particular Liverpudlian family. The family consisted of Mum, Dad and two grown-up twentysomething children still living at home. Talking to them in their living room, while they watched telly, a producer asked them what they thought the BBC stood for – as in its values. The following conversation unfolded, unprompted …

DAUGHTER (25): Er, B … B … C … Well, it stands for British Broadcasting … er … Company. Doesn’t it?

SON (29): No … British … Broad … casting … Corporation.

DAUGHTER: NO! That’s not right, ’cause then it would be BBCC!

The son rolled his eyes.

DAUGHTER: So what does ITV stand for then? Inter … national Television?

DAD (employing a slightly weary tone): No, you div, Independent Television.

The daughter looked down, and paused momentarily. Then, as if a light bulb had just been switched on in her head, she looked up and with a huge smile gleefully announced …

‘Oh, that’s brilliant, that is … so those mings at Channel 4 … they couldn’t even be arsed coming up with a mammogram!’

Cue further rolling of eyes and groaning from parents and brother alike.

It was this moment when we knew that Gogglebox would work. Not just because of the unintentional humour involved, but because of the remarkable interaction that occurs when we sit down with the people we love to watch television.

Sadly, the family mentioned elected not to take part in the series, and I often wonder what they make of it. Then again, the current cast of Gogglebox have delighted us week in, week out with far more priceless gems of genuine wit, wisdom and heartfelt humanity, so much more than I could ever have imagined.

For me, Gogglebox belongs to each and every one of them, and so does this book.

Tania AlexanderExecutive Producer of Channel 4’s Gogglebox

	JOSH: Do you think Japanese people will become extinct?
	BILL: Snakes have two penises, don’t they?
	LEON: They’re all strange, people who do allotments.
	STEPHEN: If they’re going to make mannequins more realistic, give them bingo wings.
	SANDRA: What’s inside a penis? Meat?
	JUNE: You shouldn’t split things with a swear word, Leon.
	DOM: I very nearly got my nipple pierced in Ireland on my stag weekend. Thank God it was shut.
	STEPHEN: Well, that’s bored the shit out of me arse.
	SCARLETT: He is beautiful, isn’t he? His face looks like it’s been carved by angels.

	BAASIT: Do you know that a beaver can kill a man? It chomps down on you and can cut the femoral artery.
	JUNE: Do you remember the time when we were invited out and you threw up on somebody’s carpet?
	LEON: Yes. He’s dead now, isn’t he?
	LINDA: How do they know what’s going to be the weather? Do they measure something?
	DOM: ‘What did you do in the office today, darling?’ ‘I wanked a walrus.’
	UMAR: What’s a micropenis?
	STEPHEN: Where do they find these people from? She looks like fucking Ken Dodd.
	LINDA: I know a man named Hitler. You’d think he’d change his name, wouldn’t you?
	BAASIT: I’ve like rushed home to go to the toilet, but never to watch a programme about toilets.
	STEPH: I thought the world was going to explode when we ran out of gin.
	BILL: You know Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button, don’t you?
	LEON: I want a Smartphone.
	JUNE: Leon, you’re not smart enough to have a Smartphone.
	SANDRA: The last time I saw a tub of Vaseline I wasn’t very happy when I saw it.
	STEPHEN: I love Dave. We named our dildo after him.
	BAASIT: The further north you go, the more bear-like women look. I’m sure there’s been studies done in that.
	LEON: Didn’t I go out with a girl who was in for Miss Shell Oil Refinery?
	UMAR: One of Hull’s problems is that it’s called Hull.
	VIV: I wanted to be on Jim’ll Fix It. I’m very glad Jim didn’t fix it for me, I’m telling you. Ugh.
	STEPHEN: She’s gone out looking for a meteorite, but she’s fucking minge-deep in snow.
	LINDA: What’s the best birthday you’ve ever had?
	PETE: You had laryngitis once.
	SANDRA: I love Antique Roadshow. Posh car boot sale.
	LOUIS: Baldrick, time has not been good to you, my friend.
	UMAR: What do you call a Pakistani guy standing in between two houses?
	SID: I don’t know.
	UMAR: Ali.
	DOM: I’ll end up negative equity, you’ll take the house back, I’ll probably end up in prison playing hide the sausage with Mad Axeman Mallard.
	STEPHEN: I ain’t going to fucking Harvester for Christmas dinner.
	LOUIS: The bigger the mug, the more important the family member.
	STEPH: Thank God that’s over. Phew. Can we watch some porn now?
	LEON: Well, if we had to evacuate the house, there’s not really much I’d take, I couldn’t get my television out. So the only thing I’d save would be you, darling. I’d put you on my back and carry you out.