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May 2003

It took many years (and many relapses) before I understood the value of sponsorship. I had to learn the hard way that the word “I” does not exist in the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was my own sponsor for many years, and I got the results one might expect: repeated relapses, much frustration, and a deep sense of failure. I did not find the happiness, sense of purpose, and joy I heard about from others in Alcoholics Anonymous until I surrendered, and we (my sponsors and I) started to walk this journey together.

Newcomers frequently ask me how to choose a sponsor. Looking back, I now see that I’ve probably spent more time choosing a dress or CD than I’ve spent choosing the person who would help me with the most important task in my life—living sober, one day at a time.

Today, I am blessed with two wonderful sponsors, both solid AAs, and each a gift from God, who came when I became willing to become teachable. From their examples, this is what I have learned about what sponsors are and are not.

What sponsors are not:

Sponsors are not guidance counselors, marital counselors, lawyers, nor doctors. (I have seen tragic results from well-intentioned sponsors advising their sponsees to discontinue medications without their regular doctors’ consent.)

Sponsors are not bankers, mortgage companies, nor other financial institutions.

Sponsors are not babysitters, best friends, nor preachers.

Sponsors are not dictators or drill sergeants.

Sponsors are not God.

Then what, you may be wondering, do sponsors do?

When I asked my sponsor this question, she suggested that I read the seventh chapter of the Big Book, “Working with Others.” A sponsor’s only job (and only area of expertise) is to help fellow alcoholics not take that first drink by passing this program on to others as it was passed on to him or her in order to stay sober. The only qualification is his or her own experience learning to stay and live sober, and the gift a sponsor gives is the hope, should another alcoholic care to listen, that he or she might do the same.

With this in mind, here are some other questions I learned to consider when choosing a sponsor:

Does he or she truly walk the walk, or simply talk the talk? (I learn best from demonstrations, not lectures.)

Is she or he active in service work?

Do they speak from their own experience?

Does he or she refer to the Big Book, the “Twelve and Twelve,” and other AA literature when they speak?

Most importantly, is she or he happy in sobriety? I spent years in the miserable darkness of alcoholism. I did not know what real happiness was when I came through the doors of AA. I needed someone to teach me, by example, how to live in peace and joy and service in this world through the Steps and fellowship of this program. I believe that happiness and joy are a result of taking the Steps and doing the next right thing. I cannot do this or any part of the program alone and today, thanks to the God of my understanding, the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and my sponsors, I never have to again.

RITA H.

Greensboro, North Carolina