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August 1982

When I came into AA, I was told to get a sponsor. The word itself confused me, but I began looking. At a meeting one night, I heard a girl talking. She sounded so nice and her story sounded so much like mine that right away I asked her to be my sponsor.

As time went by, we became very close friends, but I did not feel that she was helping me. I really loved her as a friend, but she always seemed to want to control me and my life, when I only wanted advice. Whenever we were together and she asked what Step I was on or brought up anything that had to do with AA, I changed the subject. I guess you could say I ran. This went on for many months, and I kept thinking, Well, I have to get a different sponsor.

One night, I was going to tell her that I would have to let her go. You know what the outcome of our talk was? We became closer than we had ever been, as sponsor and sponsee. I found out why I had felt she was not the right sponsor for me. It was not her so much as it was me.

I had built a wall between us that I could not break through. I realized we had seemed to be growing away from each other because I was not letting her see me. How am I supposed to get help from any sponsor if I do not let her see who I am and where I am at? I was afraid that if I let her see me, I would be judged, and I didn’t want that—I wanted everyone to believe I was well. I wanted to be where everyone else in the program was, rather where I was. That night, I opened up and let her know that I was not where I pretended to be.

I am sick, but I am getting better slowly. I now feel that I can talk to my sponsor, not from my mouth, but from my heart. It does hurt to let people know that you’re not as well as you want to be, but I want to get better. Running from where I am is not going to get me better. So I am working today with the help of my sponsor.

S. D.

Chicago, Illinois