Читать книгу The Courage Playbook - Gus Lee - Страница 20

“Endless confusion about actions and results can be avoided by simply asking if each choice is correct in the moral frame.”

—Robert Galbreath ⁵

We saw in the Introduction that we need courage to live without constant anxiety and worry. We also need courage to truly love, to be deeply loved, to actually know others, and to be authentically known. We need courage to know the right thing and to then do it. We need courage to first lead ourselves, and then lead others.

The process of knowing the right from the wrong should be simple, but we clutter up a straightforward sequence with old fears, new stresses, and anxious habits. Finding a tool to help us came about in a surprisingly easy way. My wife, Diane, and I were in remote western Kenya, visiting our daughter and her husband. Each was the CEO of a nonprofit that together brought clean water wells and women's health care to over a million people in eleven African nations. We were in the small village of Lwala, playing Hearts. It's a game that begins by ridding yourself of bad cards and I was able to quickly recognize them. I wondered if we could just as easily and systematically discard poor choices in life—the ones driven by fear, stress, and self‐destructive habits—to leave us better options? The thought became the Tier 4 GPS tool.

Tier 4 quickly helps us to eliminate our worst alternatives, leaving us with the wiser ones. Figure 1.4 reflects this.

Gary Persons and another client, Bella Cruz, would find this helpful. Bella is the director of a health care system's addiction treatment services. She's smart, capable, and hardworking, which won her early promotions. She's young, short, speaks English as a second language, and can be quiet with superiors, all of which have invited disrespect. Gary Persons is stuck with Aiden Bellevue and Bella Cruz is pinned between hard times and a mean boss.

“We hurt before the COVID‐19 hit us,” said Bella. “Staff and budget have been slashed and OD deaths and patient numbers exceed our ability to cope. Now I've been told to cut more staff and to increase service delivery. My staff is tired and angry and pushing back. My boss, he is not a nice man, he said I can be replaced. I don't complain, but Gustavo, I'm a single mom.”

TIER 4 KEY INFO	TIER 1	TIER 2	TIER 3	TIER 4
My Fears	Losing power	Losing control	Losing	Not doing the right thing
Core	It's all about me or you will suffer	I get my way or else	I live on stress to get results	Help others to be their best selves
People are	Things to abuse	Things to control	Good for making deals	To be given Unconditional Positive Respect (UPR)
Behaviors	Cruelty, abuse, harassment, criminal acts	Disrespects, bullies, acts selfishly, intimidates	Nice to some, depends on mood	UPR
Method	Fear, abuse, harm	Fear, threats, pain	Use, do deals	Courageously inspire and lead
The Self		SELF‐INTERESTED		OTHER‐INTERESTED

Figure 1.4 Tier 4 GPS Tool Overview

How would you advise Bella Cruz? Fear impairs good decision making. Tier 4 can help us identify and then discard fear's worst impulses.

Bella asked me, “But, Gustavo, isn't fear a great motivator?”

“Yes, it is. But it's not a good one.”

Author Daniel Pink found that the stick of fear, even with the promise of the carrot, kills intrinsic motivation and spurs negative behaviors, cheating, and unethical practices.⁶ Wharton Professor Andrew Carton finds that fear momentarily motivates, and leads to destructive paralysis, deep demoralization, personal health problems and then, as we'll see, invites ultimate failure.⁷

Yet fear has an important use. Gavin de Becker points out that fear warns us of dire physical threats. But without training, our simple fears can turn us into victims by making us panic and freeze.⁸ Humans who did not behaviorally train themselves to face fear became predator food. The Playbook isn't a physical survival guide against criminals, mountain lions, or grizzlies; it's a practice handbook for becoming our courageous selves in a modern jungle of our anxieties.

Here's an example. Let's say that your work team is asked to give inputs on the selection of a critical vendor. Your team leader might respond in one of the following ways depending on the Tier in which they operate.

 Tier 1: I always need more power and will die before I share it. People? They're just things to exploit, threaten, and harm. I'll go into rages and fire people who try to lead.

 Tier 2: I always have to control others and will seldom share my power. People are things; I use them to get what I want. I give in to anger, belittle, criticize, dispirit, depend on hand puppets, and demote those who try to be leaders.

 Tier 3: I try to know my stuff and survive by going with the majority and the flow. I do deals and favors to get results and look the other way when I see or hear Tier 1 and 2 actions.

 Tier 4: I always try to do the right thing and am miserable when I don't. I help others and don't complain when I'm disrespected. I promote warm, universal respect, forgiveness, and teamwork.

Author Robert Gilbreath wrote that we can be free of endless confusion by simply asking which of our choices is right in “the moral frame.” As “moral” can be a hotly loaded term, let's do a quick time‐out and take a cool look at its definition: Moral means to be “concerned with principles of right and wrong and the goodness or badness of human character; holding or manifesting high principles for proper conduct; sanctioned by or operating on one's conscience or ethical judgment.”⁹ That's not too painful. The definition pulls us from our passions and biases toward weighing our actions with a cool and clinical look at doing the right thing.

This has a particular focus on how we relate to humans. In this consideration, as we'll later see, there is nearly universal agreement.

If the number “one” customarily represents something at its best, why, in Tier 4 GPS Tool, does Tier 1 describe us at our worst? It's because courage is a progressive competence. We're working on Step One to reach Step Five. In discerning the best actions, we begin at Tier 1's malignant selfishness to progress through better options to reach the heroic moral ideal of Tier 4.

I said that we can start using the Tier 4 Tool by asking: What are my fears in this situation?

Gary fears that Aiden will sink a key project. Deep down, he fears he'll be seen as ineffective, which could harm his career. Bella's afraid of failing her patients, her staff, and her boss, and of losing her job. Deep down, she fears her children will go hungry.

What do you fear?

Our answers give us our first look at what we call the River of Fear. More on that later.

We then ask ourselves four questions—one in each Tier.

Tier 1: Malignant drive for power. What's the very worst reactive thing I could do? Attila the Hun might say: Destroy every human being in my path. The tyrannical individual does the worst things imaginable to exert power over others and get their way. It's fear controlling our lowest, most inferior, self‐serving, narcissistic hungers. Scarlett O'Hara, a slave‐owner with a Civil War–ruined plantation in Gone with The Wind, fiercely vows with a clenched fist, “I'm going to live through this, and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again—no, nor any of my folks! If I have to lie, steal, cheat, or kill!” This is the Tier 1 manifesto and we see this in violent parents and criminals and cheating executives.

In Tier 1, people say, “I'll crush anyone to get my way,” to include lawbreaking, sexual crimes and harassment, racism, extortion, discrimination, bribery, threats, fraud, theft, abuse, domestic violence, and murder. They then deny responsibility and take vengeance against those who don't cave in to their will. Tier 1 people reward a few blindly obedient people of similarly deficient character with money and position. When they punish, they are often brutal.

Tier 1 social groups operate on fear and power. Spouses have little independence and children are commonly disrespected, tyrannically controlled, and abusively neglected.

Tier 2: Compelling self‐interest. What's the worst thing I can do without breaking a law? The hated, toxic, controlling manager threatens a rival; coerces employees using unwarranted criticism and bullies, intimidates, deceives, manipulates, steals credit, and micromanages for control, status, money, and personal gain. This person does everything short of criminal activity to get their way.

In Tier 2, people say, “I'll do whatever it takes and I'll do what I want when I feel like it,” from being biased, breaching ethics, lying, backstabbing, and disrespecting to faking data and inflating stats. Tier 2 is Tier 1 with lip gloss or a bow tie. In Tier 2, people deny responsibility, blame others, and justify their ditching of ethical and organizational standards by saying, “Everyone else does it.” Many Tier 2 people, often using rationalizations and justifications, believe that these are right choices.

Tier 2 family groups are often overly controlled. Spouses can become unduly compliant. Children can be forgotten or driven to overachieve to satisfy parental expectations. Appearing to be normal, happy, and content is more important than the inner reality of their lives.

Tier 3: Benign self‐interest: success via results. What do I have to do to not fail? This person tries to survive in a harshly competitive world. Tier 3 people struggle for results and success. They try to please those in power, are often yes‐people, quickly take credit, make no waves, avoid controversies and conflicts, look away when others are being harmed, curry approval and seek comfort, and are perpetually worried and stressed. A minority of them work hard; most just try to get by. Individuals in Tier 3 see themselves as “good people” who won't do wrong. But neither will they stand for principles, choosing to be “nice” in moral situations instead of courageously and respectfully doing the right thing, face‐to‐face.

In Tier 3, bending to their fears, people say, “What can you do? It'll never change.” “Don't fight City Hall.” “He doesn't want to hear that.” “People don't change.” “Really, it's none of my business.” “Let them take care of it.” “He was asking for it, anyway.” “Thankfully, I don't have to take responsibility.” “It's not the right time to bring it up.” “We're not covering things up—we're protecting the integrity of our [family or organization].” “I'm not being dishonest—I'm just discreet.” “I'm not a coward; I'm just conflict avoidant.”

In families, children are usually not taught skills to discern the highest right action. Nor are they routinely guided to unconditionally respect all persons. Worse, they routinely overhear harsh and vicious language—not from screens—but from parents who angrily criticize people who hold different opinions. This can cultivate in children a persona of extreme intolerance. Further, they're seldom trained in practical behavioral problem solving or taught how to cope and persevere in the face of disappointment.

Most of us have pitched our tents in the center of Tier 3 country, which is compelling proof of our Age of Fear.

Tier 4: The heroic moral ideal. After consciously eliminating the lower‐tier options, what's the absolute best, ideal thing that I can do? In Tier 4, one courageously discerns that action, boldly does it despite risks to self‐interest, generously trains others to do the same, and does the Five Steps to Courage to improve in everything one does.

In Tier 4, people say to others, “I admire you the most for doing the right thing.” “How are you doing with that? Can I help you?” “I'm not understanding this decision. Could you tell us more?” “You may be right, but I need to understand your reasoning before I support it.” “Thank you for seeing me in private. I was disappointed by what you said to Biff in our meeting.” “You're blaming her but it was my fault.”

Tier 4's right action can at times include not taking immediate action because we need more time to discern, to gather more critical information, or because the greater good requires withdrawal. When I was in law enforcement, a man had witnessed a criminal gang member, who lived in his neighborhood, murder a rival. The witness received a message that his family would be killed if he merely went to court. Unable to provide round‐the‐clock protection for him and his family, I chose not to subpoena him. That decision still bothers me, but I discerned that it wouldn't have been the highest right action to compel him to risk the lives of his family.

“What percentage of people,” asked Bella Cruz, “live in Tier 4?”

“Sadly, not many,” I said. “Some in the leader development guild believe it's less than 5 percent. We've lost the language and the skills of doing the right thing. It's a terrible loss.”

“I agree,” said Gary. “I've gotten decades of training and I still struggle to solve basic relationship challenges. But which Tier produces the best results?”

I showed them the table in Figure 1.5:

“Fifteen‐hundred percent greater profits?” asked Gary. “Where did you get that?”

TIER 4 KEY INFO	TIER 1	TIER 2	TIER 3	TIER 4
FORTUNE 500 $ RESULTS	High rate of failure	High rate of failure	Achieves 30% of expectations	Out‐earns the general market by 1500%

Figure 1.5 Tier 4 Earning & Results Power

“It's from Stanford Business School's longitudinal research. They identified the Fortune 500s that made the greatest profits over a hundred‐year period—and how they managed to do it. They were shocked to learn that the few firms that consistently did the right thing far out‐earned the entire results‐oriented, profit‐seeking US business system. It shows that when we focus on the bottom line, we tend not to get what we want. The best way to make money is to care about your people and your customers’ welfare, and that takes care of the bottom line. It means that the actual bottom line is doing the right thing. The financial outcome is only a by‐product.”

“I have such a hard time believing,” said Bella Cruz, “that Tier 1 and 2 people fail. They always seem to get ahead.”

“Many do at first,” I said. “But can anyone truly trust or really follow people who are malicious, cruel, and mistreat others? People in Tiers 1 and 2 get hate instead of love; good people leave them; and gutsy people confront them and even sue and prosecute them. Thieves cheat and steal, but they have to live in the shadows, unable to trust anyone. A few keep what they steal, but constantly waiting for a detective to ring the bell is a bad life. Their own people are likely to give them a harsh ending. In business, studies tell us that most results‐only and unethical firms fail.”

Bella slowly nodded her head. “But they sure hurt a lot of people before that happens.”

“And they'll continue as long as people don't practice their courage.”

I then asked Gary and Bella to each fill in a blank Tier 4 table (Figures 1.6 and 1.7).

TIER 4 KEY INFO	TIER 1 WORST I COULD DO	TIER 2 ALMOST WORST	TIER 3 SHORT‐TERM RESULTS	TIER 4 THE BEST POSSIBLE
GARY PERSONS	Fire Aiden & ruin him personally	Fire him & ruin his career	Pressure and threaten Aiden to improve	?

Figure 1.6 Gary's Tier 4 Table

TIER 4 KEY INFO	TIER 1 WORST I COULD DO	TIER 2 ALMOST WORST	TIER 3 SHORT‐TERM RESULTS	TIER 4 THE BEST POSSIBLE
BELLA CRUZ	Don't lay off staff & don't tell the boss	Lay off people & try to get boss fired	Worry, bad‐mouth the boss & hope for the best	?

Figure 1.7 Bella's Tier 4 Table

Reader, in which Tier are you, right now? Check your space.

	TIER 1	TIER 2	TIER 3	TIER 4
MY IDEAL CORE
ME, RIGHT NOW

Figure 1.8 My Tier 4 Table

Gary and Bella said they felt the strong tug of Tier 1 or 2 options. Seeing them laid out in front of them helped them decide to not go that way. They said that they hoped they wouldn't do Tier 3. Neither was ready to guess at a Tier 4 action.

“That's okay,” I said. “First, the tool shows us how fear affects our decisions. Second, it invites us to practice not impulsively giving in to fear and anxiety in decision making. In Step Three, we'll see what Tier 4 options look like and begin practicing them.”

Before we finish Step One with the Mindfulness Pivot, let's stretch and breathe. Try to breathe slowly and deeply. Fill the diaphragm and let your belly push outwards. James Nestor found that inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth is best for normal breathing.¹⁰ We'll see that breathing in this methodical way also reduces tension and uncertainty. (I've just paused writing to breathe and stretch.)

When Gary cajoled, punished, and played Tiers 1–3's reactive game of carrot‐and‐stick, he became mired in a protracted war of wills with Dr. Bellevue. Gary saw he couldn't control Aiden's behaviors.

But he could first improve himself.

Gary had experienced the Tier 4 Mindfulness Pivot. It's the radical shift from spending your precious energy on anger and fear to instead calmly correcting the self.

Psychologist Dr. Seth Gillihan finds that our fears inflate discomfort into existential threats.¹¹ As Gary feared Aiden, Bella Cruz had given her energy to counting the reasons for failure and her terrible personal risks. Each had developed the habit of being anxious about having anxiety and fearing the fact that they had fears; they'd doubled their suffering to create a constant, negative, and troubled mindset. Bella's Mindfulness Pivot happened when she saw the reality that she and her department were doing well, that she could survive a disrespectful boss, and that she had endured far worse. She realized that anxiety and worry weren't helping her or her children, and that she could stop giving in to her unrealistic fears.

That pivot becomes real when we consciously and systematically recognize and then stop negative reactions to pressures and stress. That is our next step.