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The Purple Party

OR, MY WIFE TRIES - AND FAILS - TO BRIDGE THE GAP

THE NOTION THAT your average liberal is governed by anything even vaguely resembling rationality can only lead to no good.

My wife, bless her, not long ago made the mistake of imagining otherwise and decided to throw what she called a “purple party” - i.e., a mix of red and blue - with three women as invited guests. The chosen liberals were a couple of our otherwise good-hearted and eminently likeable neighbors; the conservative, for want of a suitable local candidate, was a battle-hardened import from Brooklyn. My wife was excited about this, thinking of it as a kind of outreach program. She figured they’d start off talking the usual stuff - kids, jobs, home furnishings - and then, a couple of bottles of Chardonnay in, when everyone was feeling chummy, she’d deftly steer the conversation toward politics and social policy.

Yeah, like that was gonna work.

How to say this kindly? The Purple Party was a disaster. Twenty minutes in, there arose some serious unpleasantness about Iraq. Then, a little liquored up, one of the liberal women unearthed a couple of Bush jokes. Like, for instance, the one about the sweet old lady recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. “‘What’s your name?’ the doctor asked her, and she answered correctly. ‘Where were you born?’ Again correct. ‘Do you know what day of the week this is?’ Right again. Now the doctor asks: ‘Which president started the Iraq war?’ There’s a looong pause, as she tries to come up with the answer, and then she remembers: ‘The Asshole.’”

A bit before this, my wife, per my request, had snapped on the tape recorder I’d given her. On the tape, you can hear the joke teller and her liberal pal crack up, but from the other two - silence.

Soon they moved on to Hillary Clinton. Since this was New York, and the liberals were part of Hillary’s permanent core constituency of white suburban women of a certain age, things went downhill quickly.

“I really could never understand her appeal,” said the conservative woman, understating her true opinion, and added that in her view Hillary had only gone so far because of her debased husband.

She was interrupted by both of the liberals at once, who shouted about Hillary’s superhuman achievements as a diplomat, senator, lawyer, and, let’s not forget, as an author and all-purpose “humanitarian.”

One challenged: “What about everything she’s done for children?”

The conservative shot back: “Tell me, what? What, specifically, has she done for children?”

The other was momentarily taken aback. Everyone knows Hillary Clinton has done loads for children. “She’s a child advocate,” she said, belaboring the obvious.

“What’s she done? She screams, ‘I’m for the children, I’m for the children!’ But show me one significant piece of legislation she has to her credit. Show me anything!”

Let’s just say it did not end well - and I haven’t even gotten to the part where one of the liberals talks about how FDR had lots of affairs, but no one ever threatened him with impeachment...

“But no one knew about FDR,” you can hear Priscilla exclaim.

“What are you talking about? Of course they did!”

“The press, maybe, but they protected him.”

“Everyone knew!”

As gasped the dying John Wilkes Booth, paralyzed by a shot through the spine and surrounded by enemies, after asking that his lifeless hands be held to his face: “Useless, useless. . .”