Читать книгу The Pregnancy Plan / Hope's Child - Helen R. Myers - Страница 13

Over the next few weeks, Ashley crossed paths with Cam on a fairly regular basis. He came to school every Wednesday to pick up Maddie and when he did, he usually dropped in to the classroom to chat with Ashley and check on his daughter’s progress. The awkwardness between them was fading and Ashley began to think that one day they might even be friends again.

And if Cam sometimes flirted with her, or dropped little hints that he wanted more from her than friendship, she didn’t take him too seriously. She didn’t dare.

She still thought about the kiss they’d shared in her kitchen, and she still got all hot and tingly when she did, but she had clearly established the boundaries for their relationship and she was determined to uphold them. But she was glad that her appointment at the clinic had been rescheduled. Even if it was still a few weeks away, it gave her something to look forward to and focus on. Maybe when she was finally expecting a baby of her own she would stop wishing she could be the mother Maddie needed so badly and the wife that shared Cam’s bed every night.

Because as often as she reminded herself that there could be no future for her with Cam, she nevertheless found herself daydreaming about the possibility. And as much as she’d always dreamed of having a child of her own, she knew that loving Cameron’s little girl would fill the aching void in her heart.

But Maddie had a mother, and Ashley knew that letting her imagination create happily-ever-after scenarios would only end up causing more heartache for herself in the end. She knew it, and yet, when Cam came out of his house as she was walking past on her way home from the neighborhood market Saturday morning, she couldn’t deny that her heart started to pound just a little bit faster.

“What perfect timing,” he said by way of greeting.

“For?” she prompted cautiously.

“Apparently you mentioned to your class that you like to hike at Eagle Point Park,” he said. “So Maddie suggested, as we’re heading up there for a picnic today, that we should ask you to go with us.”

“It was sweet of her to think of me, but I’m not sure that would be a good idea,” she said, far more tempted than she ought to be by the prospect of an outing with Cam and his daughter.

“Why not?”

“I just don’t think we should spend too much time together.”

“Why not?” he asked again.

“Because,” she said, unwilling to admit that wanting to say yes was proof enough to her that it was a bad idea. Because giving in to what she wanted where Cameron Turcotte was concerned had always gotten her into trouble.

“That’s hardly a reasonable response,” he chided.

“I’m sure it’s one you use all the time with your daughter when it suits your purposes.”

“Actually, I never say no to Madeline unless I can give her a reason for it.”

“While I’m sure that chalks up extra parenting points for you, it doesn’t change my answer,” she said firmly.

But Cam wasn’t dissuaded. “Come on, Ash,” he said. “It’s not as if we can get into too much trouble in the hills with a six-and-a-half-year-old chaperone.”

“I’m not worried,” she lied.

“No?”

It was more a challenge than a question, as if he was all too aware of the tug-of-war that was going on in her mind—the struggle between what she wanted and what she knew was smart.

“No,” she insisted.

“Then why won’t you come with us?” he challenged.

“Maybe I have other plans for the day,” she hedged, mentally searching for some excuse, any excuse, that sounded less desperate than making a list of 1001 reasons that getting involved with Cameron Turcotte again is a very bad idea—even if that was exactly how she planned to spend her afternoon in order to ensure that she was clear on all of those reasons.

“Do you?”

“As a matter of fact, I was going to—”

She wasn’t sure what she intended to say, because just then the front door flew open and Maddie came racing across the lawn.

“We’re going to Eagle Point Park,” she announced. “And I made samiches and Daddy packed juice and we’re going to have a picnic. Are you going to come with us? Please, Miss Ashley. It’s going to be so much fun, but it will be even more fun if you come, too.”

And that quickly, all of Ashley’s resolutions about putting distance between herself and Cam and his little girl dissolved in the radiance of Maddie’s smile.

“I think a picnic sounds wonderful,” she said.

Cam never used to be the picnicking type, but there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for his little girl. So when Madeline suggested packing a lunch and taking it up to the park, it seemed like a relatively harmless request. It wasn’t until they were putting together the sandwiches that his daughter mentioned Ashley, and he realized that he’d been set up.

Not that he minded, really. After all, spending time with Ashley Roarke was anything but a hardship. But he did worry that his daughter seemed to have become so attached to her teacher, and so quickly.

Part of it, he knew, was her desperate craving of female attention—something that he was simply incapable of giving her. Another part was Ashley’s natural warmth and compassion, traits that made her such a great teacher and an easy target for his daughter’s affections.

As they walked along one of the simpler trails, Ashley taught Maddie how to identify different kinds of trees by their leaves. She also pointed out various birds and the tracks of squirrels and raccoons and something that was—no, not a bear—probably just a big dog.

It was comfortable and easy, and Cam found himself wishing that they could spend every lazy Saturday afternoon together like this. Just him and his daughter and the woman he … liked?

The automatic mental pause nearly made Cam smile.

Of course, he liked Ashley. They’d been friends for a long time before they’d ever become lovers. They’d had a lot of similar interests, enjoyed the same books, music and movies. They liked the same kind of pizza, would both rather play baseball than watch it on TV, and appreciated walks in the rain.

In fact, Ashley had once been such an integral part of his life that, when he’d ended their relationship before going away to school, he’d lost not just his girlfriend but his best friend. It had been his decision to cut all ties between them, finally and completely, at least until he was finished college, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

He hadn’t seen her again before their high school reunion in the spring, hadn’t realized until then how much of a hole had been left in his life when he’d cut her out of it. But the worst part of seeing her again was realizing how much she still mattered to him, and learning that she was in love with and engaged to someone else.

He’d recognized that his feelings were more than a little hypocritical, considering that he’d already been married and divorced, but he just couldn’t imagine her with anyone else. He didn’t want to imagine her with anyone else.

Deciding to move back to Pinehurst when he knew she was planning a wedding to another man had been difficult. But in the end, he’d known it was what was best for his daughter. With Danica now living in London, there was no reason he had to stay in Seattle, and every reason to move closer to his family so that Madeline’s grandparents could be part of her life.

“Hurry up, Daddy.” Maddie’s voice called back to him, prompting his feet into motion.

“Sorry,” he apologized, when he caught up to them.

“What were you doing back there?” Ashley asked.

He shrugged the pack off of his shoulders, opened the zipper and pulled out the blanket they’d brought to spread out on the ground. “I thought I saw a … an owl.”

“An owl?” She lifted her brow.

“Owls are … noc-tur-nal,” Maddie said, carefully enunciating the word and looking to her teacher for confirmation. Ashley nodded.

“That means they sleep during the day and come out at night,” his daughter informed him.

He shrugged. “Maybe it wasn’t an owl.”

“Owls eat mice and frogs and birds.” She made a face after reciting that fact, as if the idea was as distasteful as eating peas or Brussels sprouts—her least favorite vegetables.

“Speaking of food,” Cam said, beginning to unpack their lunch.

“I hope you didn’t bring mice and frogs and birds,” Ashley said.

Maddie giggled. “No, we made samiches.” She took a plate and balanced it on her lap. “What kind of samich do you want, Miss Ashley?”

“What are my choices?”

“Peanut butter, peanut butter and jam, or peanut butter and banana.”

Ashley mulled over the options, finally deciding, “Peanut butter and banana.”

Cam watched as Maddie carefully selected three pinwheel sandwiches from the plastic container and arranged them in a semicircle on the plate. Then she added two cookies—peanut butter, of course—and a small cluster of green grapes.

“That looks absolutely delicious,” Ashley said, accepting the plate.

Maddie beamed in appreciation of her praise, and Cam felt his heart swell. Until he’d started spending time with Maddie and Ashley together, he hadn’t realized how much his daughter needed a woman’s attention. She missed out on so much not having a mother involved in her life, and though his mother tried to spend as much time as possible with her granddaughter, it wasn’t the same thing.

Gayle had mentioned—several times in recent years—that he should think about getting married again, that he needed a wife as much as Maddie needed a mother. But even if he’d agreed with her assessment—and he was definitely on the fence about the wife part—none of the women he’d dated had tempted him to think any longer term than the next date. There certainly hadn’t been anyone whom he’d wanted to wake up beside every morning for the rest of his life, and there hadn’t been anyone who’d ever made his daughter smile as she was smiling at Ashley now.

Not that he was thinking in terms of marriage with Ashley. Definitely not.

And yet, he knew that if there was a woman who could tempt his thoughts in that direction, it was Maddie’s first-grade teacher. Yes, Ashley tempted him. But he knew it was going to take some time to figure out if he could still tempt her.

Tearing his thoughts back to the picnic, he noticed that Maddie had taken a second plate and was loading it up with all of her favorites.

“What about my lunch?” Cam asked, indicating the last empty plate.

“Ladies always get served first,” she informed him primly. “And you can get your own.”

Ashley’s cough sounded more like a laugh, and when he looked at her over his daughter’s head, he saw the amusement that danced in her eyes.

Those beautiful, sparkling violet eyes.

The same eyes that had haunted his dreams for years, and that continued to haunt his dreams now.

He held her gaze for a long moment, a moment that spun out between them, until there were no birds chirping in the trees, until there was no wind rustling through the leaves.

Until there was nothing but the two of them.

Until Maddie broke the silence by asking for juice.

Ashley blinked and looked away, and the moment was gone.

Something had happened between them at Eagle Point Park. Ashley wasn’t exactly sure what, except that something had changed. Until that moment, she’d managed to convince herself that the feelings she had for Cameron were only remnants of a long-ago attraction. And maybe there were still remnants of that attraction, but there were also new feelings stirring inside of her. Stronger and deeper feelings that she’d managed to ignore because they were only her feelings.

In the space of a heartbeat, with the heat of just one look, Cam decimated that belief. And the realization that there was still a connection between them, a simmering awareness that pulled at both of them, terrified her.

So when Maddie approached her desk at the end of the day on Monday, it was an effort to smile, to pretend that everything was the same. And then the child’s question shattered even that illusion.

“Are you dating my daddy?”

The marker Ashley had been using to prepare a math chart for the next day’s lesson slipped from her fingers.

She bent to retrieve it, wishing she could pick up an easy answer to the little girl’s inquiry at the same time. Instead, she responded with a question of her own. “Why would you ask something like that?”

“Because I told Victoria that we went on a picnic on Saturday and she said that you must be dating my daddy and maybe you would marry him and be my new mommy.”

She had worried that agreeing to go on a picnic with Cam and Maddie was a bad idea—she just hadn’t known how bad. And the desperate yearning in the little girl’s big green eyes nearly broke her heart.

Ashley carefully recapped the marker and set it aside so she could give Maddie her full attention.

“I’m not dating your daddy,” she said gently. “But he and I are old friends and you and I are new friends, and friends spend time together.”

The light in Maddie’s eyes dimmed. “So you’re not going to marry him?”

“No.” She swallowed. “I’m not going to marry him.”

“But if you’re friends, you must like him,” she insisted, with the unequivocal reasoning of a first grader. “And if you like him, then you should marry him.”

“Lots of people like one another without getting married.”

Maddie sighed. “But Grandma says that Daddy needs a wife who will make him happy and I need a mother who cares more about me than her career.”

Out of the mouths of babes, Ashley thought, and cautiously asked, “She said this to you?”

Maddie shook her head. “She said it to Grandpa, but I could hear them talking.”

“Sometimes adults have conversations that they don’t mean for children to overhear, and what your grandma said probably wasn’t intended to be repeated.”

Maddie nodded. “But I think Daddy should get a new wife, too, ‘cause then we could be a family.”

The crack in Ashley’s heart split open a little wider. “That’s something only your daddy can decide.”

Cam’s daughter sighed again. “I need to go now. Grandma will be waiting for me.”

“Okay.” And because she figured they both needed it, she gave Maddie a quick hug. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Being summoned for a conference with the teacher wasn’t quite the same as being called to the principal’s office, but Cam had an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach just the same when he heard the message from Ashley on his answering machine.

He glanced at the calendar before he called her back. “I have about an hour at seven o’clock tonight while Maddie’s at ballet,” he said. “Can I buy you a coffee at Bean There Café?”

“That works for me,” she agreed, but still gave him no indication what it was she wanted to talk about.

So he worried about it while he cooked spaghetti for dinner, and though he gently tried to elicit details from Maddie about her day at school, his daughter was uncharacteristically close-mouthed, a fact which only increased his apprehension. They loaded the dishwasher together after they’d finished eating, then she washed up and went to get changed for her dance class, but there was no enthusiasm in her step and no sparkle in her eye.

When he got to the café, he noted that Ashley looked almost as apprehensive as he felt.

“What did she do?” he asked without preamble when he brought their drinks—regular black coffee for him, a cinnamon dolce latte for Ashley—to the table.

“She didn’t do anything wrong,” she hastened to reassure him. “I just thought you should be aware that your daughter is expressing an interest in you finding a new wife.”

He exhaled a sigh of relief. “I thought maybe she’d stabbed that annoying Charlie Partridge with her safety scissors.”

Her eyes flashed. “I’m glad you think this is funny.”

“I don’t,” he assured her. “But I was envisioning so many worse things that the truth almost seems anticlimactic.” He sipped his coffee, considering her revelation. “How did this come up?”

“She asked me—” her gaze slid away from his, her cheeks flushed with color “—if I was going to marry you.”

Despite her obvious embarrassment, he couldn’t resist teasing her a little. “Did you tell her that I hadn’t asked you … yet?”

“Will you stop joking about this?” Ashley demanded, obviously not amused. “She’s at an impressionable age and obviously looking for a mother figure.”

“I know,” he admitted. “I just didn’t realize how much until recently.”

Ashley sipped her latte.

“You told me she doesn’t see her mother on a regular basis,” she reminded him gently. “Is there anything you can do to change that?”

“Not likely. Danica comes to visit whenever it’s convenient for her, and that’s not more than two or three times a year. The four weeks that Maddie spent in London this summer is more time than she usually spends with her mother in a whole year.”

And he wasn’t entirely sure she’d spent most of that time with her mother, because she’d come home with a new handheld video game system and half a dozen games that Danica had bought to keep her busy while she “finished up some work.”

“What about telephone calls?” Ashley prompted.

“Her mother tries to call once a week.”

“Tries?”

He sighed. “What do you want me to say, Ash? I knew when I married Danica that she was committed to building her career. I didn’t know that she was committed to her career at the expense of all else, but that’s the way it is.”

“Okay, so maybe she isn’t a candidate for mother of the year,” Ashley allowed, “but Maddie is her daughter and she needs her mother.”

“Danica doesn’t see it that way.”

It was obvious that Ashley didn’t understand. Hell, he wasn’t sure he understood, but he’d long ago accepted that Maddie would never have a close relationship with her mother.

“The truth is,” he heard himself say, “Danica never wanted to have children.”

Ashley stared at him, as if she couldn’t believe what he was saying. He could hardly believe he was telling her. But this was Ashley, and if he wanted a second chance with her—and he’d finally accepted that he did—he had to be honest with her, and he had to trust that she would understand.

“I’ve never admitted this to anyone else—not even my parents—but Madeline wasn’t planned,” he confided to her. “In fact, Danica wasn’t very happy when she realized she was pregnant.”

That was an understatement, but he couldn’t admit to anyone, even so many years later, that Danica hadn’t been happy at all. In fact, she’d been furious. Having apparently managed to put aside the grief of a previous miscarriage, she was too busy building a career to want to have a baby.

Cam had tried to understand. Maybe it wasn’t what either of them had envisioned for a marriage that was barely into its sixth month, he’d admitted, but her pregnancy didn’t change their plans, it merely accelerated them. Or so he’d believed, until he’d realized that, despite claiming to be pregnant when they married, Danica never really wanted to have children.

He’d been stunned by her attitude—and furious when she’d suggested terminating her pregnancy. She wasn’t an unwed teenager, but a married woman and no way in hell was he going to agree to abort their child.

And so was laid the first brick in the wall that built up between them.

“But she fell in love with her baby when she held her in her arms,” Ashley guessed, obviously unable to imagine any other possibility.

Which was exactly what Cam had hoped would happen.

But the truth was, Danica only agreed to have the baby so long as he assumed complete responsibility for their child after the birth. And he’d gone along with her demands, certain that her attitude toward their child would change through the course of her pregnancy. But the distance between them continued to grow along with the baby in her womb.

“She tried to be a good mother,” Cam said in defense of his ex-wife, because he wanted to believe it was true. And because, when he realized some hard truths about her own childhood, he knew she’d handled the situation in the way that she believed was best for their child. “But Madeline was a difficult baby and after working fourteen hours at the office, Danica didn’t have the patience for a demanding infant.”

“She went back to work right after having the baby?”

“Her career meant a lot to her,” he said, all too aware that it didn’t just sound like a lame excuse, it was a lame excuse.

“More than her family?” Ashley demanded incredulously. “And what about your career?”

“I was still finishing my internship.”

“And taking care of the baby,” she guessed.

“There was a retired woman who lived above us who helped out a lot, but I was happy to do as much as I could between shifts at the hospital.”

“That couldn’t have been easy.”

“It wasn’t easy,” he agreed. “But I was happy to do it, to be the one who was there when she cut her first tooth, when she spoke her first word, when she took her first step.” And each one of those precious moments was indelibly imprinted on his memory.

“I know I’ve said it before, but Madeline’s lucky to have a dad like you,” Ashley told him.

“And a teacher like you,” he said.

She finished her latte. “I just thought you should know what was going through her mind.”

“I’m a little surprised,” he admitted. “She’s never mentioned the possibility of me finding a new wife before.”

“It might be a factor of her age,” Ashley suggested. “She’s making friends at school, and they talk about their mothers—it’s not surprising that she might look for someone to fill that role for her.”

“And that she would gravitate toward you.” He reached across the table, touched her hand. “When I came back for the reunion, I was surprised to find that you weren’t already married with the half a dozen kids you always wanted.”

She pulled her hand away. “Life doesn’t always turn out the way we plan.”

A truth of which he was all too aware. And yet, coming back to Pinehurst had helped him to see beyond the boundaries imposed by the choices he’d made to the opportunities that might still be found.

“Do you believe in second chances?” he asked cautiously.

She was silent for a minute, and when she finally spoke, it was only to say, “I believe that Maddie’s class will be finishing soon, and I need to get home.”

Cam pushed back his chair to walk her out.

“Thanks—for the update.”

She just nodded.

He watched her go, wondering why she’d refused to answer his question.

Because she didn’t believe in second chances?

Or because she did?