Читать книгу New hope for ADHD in children and adults - Helena Bester - Страница 35

ADHD sufferers struggle to plan. The lives of many a parent would be far less stressful if they accepted this fact. If you unpack Daniel’s entire school bag and cupboard and organise everything neatly in trays with labels, it does not mean that your work in this regard is done for the year. By next week his bag will be a mess again, and Wednesday’s homework will be written down under Sunday – if it’s written down at all.

Adult ADHD sufferers will sometimes be super-neat, and then super-sloppy again. Owing to the perfectionist streak in many sufferers, they might take ages to organise their desk perfectly, only to have turned it into an absolute tip again a few days later.

In the case of ADHD children, it is a good idea to provide regular help with organising, structuring and other skills they may not have mastered yet.

There’s a well-known poem by American author and family counsellor Dorothy Law Nolte that expresses the most important things children learn by example.

Children learn what they live

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy.

If children live with jealousy, they learn what envy is.

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient.

If children live with encouragement, they learn to be confident.

If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate.

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children live with acceptance, they learn to find love in the world.

If children live with recognition, they learn to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn to be generous.

If children live with honesty and fairness, they learn what truth and justice are.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those around them.

If children live with friendliness, they learn that the world is a nice place in which to live.

If children live with serenity, they learn to have peace of mind.

With what are your children living?

Like all of us, ADHD children absorb values and habits from their environment – and especially from their home environment. The positive things named in the poem that we want to teach them, are far more important than a neat handwriting or tidy school bag, for example. But the principle is the same. If the child with ADHD grows up in a home where things are well ordered then, fifteen years down the line, his desk at work is likely to be tidy. It is important to remember that some of the symptoms and problems associated with ADHD involve skills that can be learned.

One of these relates to planning ability and thoroughness in approaching and performing a task. You are familiar with what usually happens when you ask your child to wash the car, or quickly tidy up the lounge or mow the lawn. If you first taught your child how to perform the task in the way Stephen Covey taught his son to look after the garden in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (1989), the result might be very different. Covey emphasises a number of principles that are invaluable in dealing with ADHD children, and we will look at them in more detail later. For now I would like to illustrate how an ADHD child, or any child for that matter, can be taught to complete a task.

Covey went to work as follows: He began by making sure that his son had a clear picture in his mind of what a well-tended garden looked like. He took him out and showed him one. He summed up the picture for his son with the words “green and clean”. He pointed out that there weren’t other colours in a neat garden (other than the natural colours of flowers and plants). He explained that neat meant there were no papers, bones, toys or sticks lying around. They cleaned up half the garden together. Young Stephen compared the two halves and then cleared up the remaining part of the garden on his own.

Then they came to an agreement. The son would be responsible for cleaning the garden himself. He could ask his father for help. Twice a week they would walk through the garden together so that Stephen could show his dad what he’d done. After two weeks Covey thought that his son would have taken responsibility for the job and that he no longer needed to remind him every day to do the gardening. But the intended outcome did not materialise.

After nine days and increasing chaos in the garden, Covey resisted the temptation to scold his son and order him to perform his chores. Instead he invited his son to walk around the garden with him so that they could evaluate his progress – which he did with a friendly tone of voice and a smile.

When they got outside the son’s voice started to shake as he said, “It’s so hard, Dad.” The father naturally wanted to know what could possibly be so difficult. But instead of sarcastic and pointless remarks he simply responded with, “Is there anything I can do to help?”

The average child is not able to tidy a room in the way you would do it. You have to teach him, and that takes time and patience. In the long run, however, it does save you time. It takes even more time and patience to “train” an ADHD child to take on certain responsibilities and perform tasks effectively. Even if you focus on only one additional responsibility every year, you will be making progress. Besides winning back time for yourself eventually, you are also beginning to instil a sense of responsibility in a positive way. Respect and trust are very powerful motivating forces. Use them.

Now we come to characteristics associated with ADHD that have more to do with emotional development.