Читать книгу It Had to Be You - Irene Hannon, Irene Hannon - Страница 7

“I’m sorry, Maggie, but…I just can’t go through with it.”

Maggie Fitzgerald stared in shock at the man standing across from her, his words echoing hollowly in her ears. He looked like Jake West, the man she’d loved since she was sixteen years old. But he didn’t sound like that Jake. Not even close.

Maggie felt a cold chill crawl up her spine despite the Midwest heat and humidity, and she wrapped her arms around her body for warmth. He was only an arm’s length away, close enough to touch, and yet she suddenly felt more alone than ever before in her life. Because always, through all the losses in her life—her mother, her father, and just three weeks before, the tragic deaths of her sister and brother-in-law in a smallplane crash—she’d still had Jake. He’d been her friend for as long as she could remember, and though their relationship had transitioned—quite unexpectedly—to romance, their friendship remained strong and sure.

But now he was leaving—less than five weeks before she was scheduled to walk down the aisle as his bride. It was inconceivable. Incomprehensible. But true. The stoic expression on his face told her so more eloquently than his words.

The knot in Maggie’s stomach tightened as she sank down onto the couch, her legs suddenly too shaky to support her willowy five-foot-six, hundred-and-tenpound frame. Nothing in her twenty-four years had prepared her for this…this betrayal. Maybe that was a harsh term. But what else could you call it when the man you loved bailed out just because things got a little rough?

Even in her dazed state, however, Maggie had to admit that “a little rough” wasn’t exactly an accurate description of the situation. The sudden responsibility of raising six-year-old twins—one of whom needed ongoing medical care—wasn’t a minor complication. Not when they’d planned to spend the first ten years of their marriage child-free, exploring some exotic new corner of the world each year on vacation, living the adventures they’d always dreamed of. It was a situation that demanded huge compromises, and Maggie knew it marked the death of a dream for both of them. But she had wanted to believe that Jake would realize there simply was no other option. As their only living relative, Maggie had to take her sister’s girls. But clearly Jake hadn’t been able to accept it. And where did that leave her?

Apparently alone.

As Jake sat beside her and reached for her hand, she glanced at him with dazed eyes, blind to the anguish in his. The strongly molded planes of his dear, familiar face were only a misty blur. When he spoke, the appealing, husky cadence of his voice—edged with that smoky quality that was distinctly his—sounded suddenly foreign to her ears, and his words seemed to come from a great distance.

“Maggie, I’m sorry,” he whispered, knowing the words were inadequate, his gut twisting painfully at the wretched, abandoned look in her eyes.

So was she. Ever since her sixteenth birthday, when their relationship changed forever—from childhood friends to sweethearts—she’d never even looked at another man. She’d built her whole future around Jake. A future that was now crumbling around her.

“This…situation…doesn’t change how I feel about you,” he continued when she didn’t respond. “But…well, I guess I never expected a ready-made family. It would be bad—” He cut himself off and deliberately changed the term. “Hard…enough if they were normal kids. But they’ve just lost both parents, and Abby has years of medical treatment ahead of her. And what about our plans for seeing the world? For not being tied down by responsibilities, at least in the beginning? And I’m not ready to take on the responsibilities of parenthood. I just feel so…trapped,” he finished helplessly. With a sigh, he reached for her cold hands, his gaze locked on hers. “Do you understand at all?”

Slowly Maggie shook her head, trying desperately to restrain her tears. “No,” she replied brokenly. “No, Jake, I don’t. I thought…well, I know we haven’t actually said the vows yet, but I thought, in our hearts, we’d already made a commitment. For life. For better or for worse. What if this had happened six weeks after the wedding instead of six weeks before? Would you have walked out then, too?”

Jake cringed, and he felt his neck grow hot. He deserved that. It was more or less the same question his father had coldly asked. Though his mother had been less vocal in her disapproval, he had seen the look of disappointment in her eyes, as well. But if the vows had actually been spoken, he would have stuck it out.

“You know better, Maggie.”

She looked at him, suddenly skeptical. “Do I? I’m not so sure anymore, Jake.” She shook her head and gave a short, mirthless laugh. “But I guess it was a lucky thing for you it happened now. You won’t be put to that test. You’re free to walk away.”

God forgive him, but he’d thought that very thing. That he was lucky this had happened before the wedding. He felt like a heel for even thinking it, but he couldn’t deny that he’d been relieved.

Maggie watched his face, realized that though her words had been spoken harshly, they did, in fact, mirror his thoughts. Her stomach clenched even tighter. Until this very minute she’d half expected him to rethink his decision and do what she considered the honorable thing. But as her gaze searched his eyes, she knew he wasn’t going to bend, and a powerful wave of fear suddenly crashed over her.

When she spoke again, her voice was tinged with desperation. “Jake, I—I don’t want to lose you. I don’t know why the Lord gave us this burden, why He’s testing our commitment like this. I wish I did. I wish there was an easy answer to this problem. But I can’t see any other option. Can you?”

He stared at her helplessly. There was only one other option as far as he could see: put the two bereft sixyear-olds into the hands of a foster family. But leaving them in the care of strangers would be wrong, and he knew it. That was why he hadn’t asked her to choose between that or him. After much soul-searching he had decided that the best solution was for him to break the engagement. He didn’t feel particularly noble about it, and his father’s few choice words about duty and honor were still ringing in his ears, but in the end he had to make his own decision. And as much as he loved Maggie, he feared that if he went into this marriage feeling trapped, it would lead to resentment and, ultimately, heartbreak.

But now, sitting here with her ice-cold hands in his, her vulnerable eyes pleading with him to reconsider, he wondered if this was any better.

“Maggie, are you sure Charles didn’t have any relatives who might take the girls?” he asked, already knowing the answer. They’d been over this before.

She shook her head. “He was an only child, born late in life. His parents died years ago. There isn’t anyone else, Jake.”

With a sigh of frustration, Jake rose and strode restlessly across the room, stopping at the window to stare unseeingly into the night.

Maggie watched him, frantically searching for words that might change his mind. She couldn’t lose Jake! Since her sixteenth birthday, all she’d wanted out of life was to be Mrs. Jake West. Maybe modern women were supposed to want a career and independence. But those things paled in comparison to being Jake’s wife. What better “career” could she find than spending her life loving Jake, first traveling with him all over the world and then creating a home for him and their children? Her throat tightened painfully, and she choked back a sob.

“Jake…maybe we should just postpone things. Maybe if we give it a little time…”

Her voice trailed off as he turned to face her. There was a tightness to his jaw, a sudden resolve in his face, that made her realize there was something he hadn’t told her yet, something that she knew intuitively was going to seal their fates.

“That’s not really an option, Maggie. I…” He paused, and she could see the struggle on his face as he searched for the words to tell her the thing that was going to make her world fall completely apart.

“Jake.” The panic in her voice was obvious, even to her own ears. She didn’t want to hear what he was going to say. “Please, can’t we think about this a little more?”

She heard him sigh, saw the sudden sag in his shoulders, watched with trepidation as he walked slowly back to the couch and sat beside her again. More than anything in the world she wanted him to pull her into his arms and tell her that everything was going to be all right, as he had on so many other occasions through the years. But she could see that wasn’t his intent. He kept himself purposely at a distance and made no attempt to touch her.

Jake lifted a hand and wearily rubbed his forehead, then drew in a deep, unsteady breath. When he spoke, his voice was gentle but firm. “Maggie, I joined the navy. I leave in five days.”

Maggie stared at him blankly, her eyes suddenly confused. “Leave?” she parroted. “You’re leaving? You joined the navy?”

“Yes. I signed all the papers this morning. I’ve known for a week I was going to do it, but I just couldn’t seem to find the words to tell you.”

“But…but why?”

“It’s my chance to see the world, Maggie. It won’t be the same as if we were going together, I know, but with my advanced degree I should get plum assignments. That’s what they told me at the recruiting office, anyway. I go directly to officer training school. It’s a great opportunity.”

“But…but you have a job already.”

“I know. But it’s just a job, Maggie. In two years the most exciting thing I’ve done with my engineering skills is design hydraulic systems for elevators. I don’t want to do that the rest of my life.”

“But…but why the navy?” she asked, still trying to make sense of this unexpected twist.

Because I knew if I didn’t do something irrevocable like that, I wouldn’t be able to go through with the breakup, not when you look at me like this, he thought in silent anguish. But he couldn’t say that.

He studied her now, this woman he loved, as he debated how to answer. From the first time he kissed her, Maggie had been the only woman he ever wanted. They’d played together as toddlers, hung around as teenagers and fallen in love that one magical day on Maggie’s sixteenth birthday when he’d suddenly begun to realize that she was growing up. For the first time, he had really looked at her—the way a man looks at a woman who attracts him. Maggie wasn’t exactly a great beauty, with her wavy, flyaway red hair and turned up nose. But those attributes were more than offset by her gorgeous, deep green eyes and porcelain complexion. Suddenly she wasn’t just a “pal” anymore, but a woman who brought out unexpected feelings and responses in him.

And as time went by, he’d begun to notice other things, too. Like how close to the surface her feelings lay, how transparent they were, clearly reflected in her expressive eyes. And he’d noticed something else in her eyes, too—a maturing passion, flashes of desire, that set his blood racing. But she had a discipline he could only admire. For, in an era of questionable morals, she made no apology for her traditional Christian values, believing that the ultimate intimacy should be reserved for marriage, expressed only in the context of a lifetime commitment. He’d always respected her for that.

Yet despite Maggie’s strong faith, she had a certain air of fragility, an aura of helplessness, that always brought out his protective instinct. And it was this latter quality that he knew would do him in tonight unless he had an airtight out, an ironclad escape—like joining the navy.

And escape was an accurate word, he admitted. He was running away because he was running scared. It was as simple as that. But he couldn’t very well tell her all that.

“The navy seemed to offer some great career and travel opportunities,” he replied, the reason sounding lame—and incomplete—even to his own ears.

Maggie stared at him, wide-eyed and silent She’d hoped he’d at least help her get settled with the twins. She’d even begun to think that maybe he would change his mind if he saw that caring for them wasn’t so bad after all. But he wasn’t going to give himself that chance. He was bailing out

An aching sadness overwhelmed her as she recalled all the tender words they’d said to one another, all the plans they’d made with such eager anticipation. She thought of the hours they’d spent poring over maps, dreaming of places that would take them far from their Midwest roots, planning their future travels around the world—beginning with their honeymoon in Paris. A honeymoon now destined never to take place, she realized. Cold fingers clutched at her heart and tightened mercilessly, squeezing out the last breath of hope. He’d made his decision. It was done. There was nothing more to say.

She gazed at Jake, and suddenly she felt as if she was looking at a stranger, as if the man she’d fallen in love with had somehow ceased to exist. That man had been caring and kind, someone who could be relied upon to stand beside her, no matter the circumstances. The stranger sitting beside her seemed to possess none of those qualities. He’d said he loved her. And maybe he thought he did. But his actions didn’t even come close to fitting her definition of love.

Maggie took a deep breath, struggling to make sense of everything that was happening. Her life had changed so dramatically in the last three weeks that there was an air of unreality about it. She’d lost her only sister. She’d been given responsibility for two young, newly orphaned children, one of whom needed ongoing medical care. And now the final blow. She was losing the man she loved. Only her faith kept total despair at bay. But even with her faith, she was finding it hard not to give in to self-pity. Why was the Lord testing her this way? she cried silently. She just couldn’t see any purpose to it.

Unless…unless it was the Lord’s way of letting Jake show his true character now, before they formalized their commitment, she thought, searching desperately for an explanation that made some sense. She supposed it was better to find out now how he reacted in adversity. But frankly, at this moment, it didn’t give her much consolation.

“Maggie?”

Jake’s concerned voice drew her back to the present. The familiar warmth and tenderness were back in his eyes, and for just a moment she was tempted to tell him she’d do whatever he wanted, just so long as they could be together.

But with sudden resolve, she straightened her shoulders and lifted her chin. She’d already practically begged him to rethink his decision, and he’d rejected her plea. Well, she had some pride. If Jake didn’t love her enough to stick by her through this, then she didn’t want him, either. She could survive on her own. Okay, so maybe she’d relied too much on Jake to take care of things, make all the decisions. That didn’t mean she couldn’t learn to do those things herself. Especially since it was clear she had to. She needed to take her life in her own hands. Beginning right now.

Abruptly Maggie rose, and Jake stared up at her, startled by her sudden movement.

She took a deep breath, willing herself to get through the next few minutes without breaking down. Her heart might be tattered, but there would be time for tears later, when she was alone. Plenty of time, in fact. Like the rest of her life.

“Jake, I don’t see any reason to prolong this, do you? You’ve said what you came to say. It’s obvious you’ve set a new course for your life. I have to accept that. And I wish you well.”

Jake rose more slowly, his face troubled. There was a quality in Maggie’s voice he’d never heard before—a quiet dignity, tinged with resignation. This wasn’t at all the reaction he’d anticipated. He’d expected tears and pleading right up to the final goodbye.

“Look, Maggie, I don’t want to just walk out and leave you to totally fend for yourself. I’d like to at least help you out financially, make sure you’re settled.”

As far as Maggie was concerned, offering money was the worst thing Jake could have done. Maybe it would appease his conscience, but she wanted nothing from this man who, until half an hour ago, had been the center of her world, whose love she had mistakenly believed to be unshakable and true.

“I don’t want your money, Jake. I have a job. A good job. Graphic design is a growing field. I might even branch out into illustration. And Becky and Charles had insurance, so the girls will be well provided for. We’ll be fine.”

Jake looked at Maggie, noting the uncharacteristic tilt of her chin. She’d always been so compliant, so accepting of his help, that he was a bit taken aback by her refusal. And he was even more surprised when she removed her engagement ring and held it out to him.

“I think this is yours.”

“Keep the ring, Maggie,” he protested, surprised at the unevenness of his own voice.

“Why? It’s a symbol of something that no longer exists. I’d rather you take it back.” She reached over and dropped it into his hand. Then she walked to the door, opened it and turned to face him. “I don’t think we have anything else to say to each other, do we?”

Jake looked at Maggie. Her beautiful eyes were steady, and for once he couldn’t read her feelings in their depths. But he knew she was hurting. Knew that she must feel exactly as he felt—devastated and bereft. But she was hiding it well. Slowly he followed her to the door.

“I’ll take care of canceling all the…arrangements.” He could at least spare her that.

“Thank you,” she said stiffly.

“I’m sorry, Maggie.” He knew words were inadequate. But they were all he could offer.

“So am I.” Her voice caught on the last word, and for a moment he thought she was going to lose it. He almost wished she would. He didn’t know how to deal with this aloof, controlled Maggie. He wanted to take her in his arms one last time, wanted to cry with her at the unfairness of life, wanted to mourn the passing of their relationship. It was clear, however, that she had a different sort of parting in mind.

“Well…I guess there’s nothing left to say.”

“No.”

“Maggie, I hope…” His voice trailed off. What did he hope? That someday she would find it in her heart to forgive him? Unlikely. That she would eventually be able to remember with pleasure their good times? Again, unlikely. That a man worthy of her love would one day claim her heart?

That thought jolted him. No, that wasn’t at all what he wanted. His Maggie in the arms of another man? The idea repelled him. And yet, how could he wish her less? She deserved to find happiness with a man who would love her enough to stand by her through the tough times as well as the happy ones. Someone who would do a much better job at that than he had.

“What do you hope?” she asked curiously, a wistful note creeping into her voice.

He considered his answer, and settled for one that didn’t even come close to expressing the myriad of conflicting emotions in his heart. “I wish you happiness, Maggie.”

The smile she gave him was touched with bitterness, telling him more eloquently than words that she considered that a vain hope. “Thanks, Jake. Goodbye.”

And then she very gently, very deliberately, shut the door behind him.

Maggie walked numbly back to the couch and sat down. She felt chilled to the bone and suddenly she began to tremble. For the first time in her life she was truly alone. She’d told Jake that she would be all right But those words had been spoken with more bravado and pride than confidence. She didn’t have a clue how she was going to cope. Not without Jake.

Jake, with his gentle touch and laughing eyes, his confidence and optimism, his sense of adventure. He had filled her world with joy and brightness. The events that had transpired in this room during the last hour couldn’t erase the memory of all they’d shared, of the love she had felt for him. Without Jake, the future stretched ahead like a dark, aching void, filled with overwhelming responsibilities, yet empty of the warmth and companionship and love that made all trials bearable. How could she go on alone?

And then she thought of the twins. They needed her. Desperately. They, too, had been deprived of the people they loved most. She had to be strong for them, if not for herself. Together they would move forward. For the three of them, love had died—for the twins, physically; for her, emotionally. But the death was equally final in both cases.

Which meant that, for the first time her life, her future lay solely in her own hands. She had no one to consult, no one to make decisions for her, no one to reassure her that she could handle the task before her. It was up to her alone.

Well, maybe not quite alone, she reminded herself suddenly. There was Someone she could rely on, Someone who would stand by her through whatever lay ahead. And so she took a moment, before the demands of her new life came crashing down on her, to close her eyes and ask for His guidance.

Please, Lord, show me what to do. Help me be strong. Help me to know that. I’m never truly alone. That You’re always with me. And help me to accept, even without understanding, the hardships You’ve given me, and to believe in my heart that You would never give me a cross too heavy to bear.

The short prayer brought Maggie a momentary sense of peace and renewed confidence. She could almost feel the Lord’s loving presence beside her. And for that she was immensely grateful. For she knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that she would need Him desperately in the months and years to come.