Читать книгу Children of Albion Rovers - Irvine Welsh - Страница 5

TEAM TALK

PICKING A TEAM is never easy. Different managers have different criteria. The late great Jock Stein would put it all down to pub arithmetic. And for him everything turned out sweet as a nut. Genius is not about doing the simple things well but the complex things simply. When John Lambie took over the managerial reins at Falkirk you could see the truth stripped bare. He learnt the hard way. Previously, he’d invested heavily – although not financially – in workaday journeymen during his spell at Partick Thistle. Honest jobbers with steel toe-caps. Yet at Brockville the formula cracked. Stars in their eyes. Copycat criminals. There was much guilt at the wake. Napoleon, geeing up his troops on the eve of battle, once remarked: morale is to the physical as four is to one. He was right. But that was his Waterloo. John Lambie could’ve learnt a bit more between hairdos.

I have my own methods, a minister once said to me. I think he was a Methodist. Well I too have my own methods. It’s no use just signing star strikers. That’s a recipe for disaster. I’ve learnt from the Souness years that you have to build from the back. Chris Woods and Terry Butcher. That’s when the tide turned. I’ve never admired Graeme Souness more than when he left the celebrations of a Rangers victory over arch-rivals Celtic – on April 1st 1990 – to go to an Anti-Poll Tax concert at Edinburgh’s Usher Hall. He watched the proceedings with his wife from a seat in the balcony. See? Build from the back. Every time.

To this end I’ve selected an international keeper and a class A defender – both of whom I have total faith in. Irvine Welsh – a keeper of the faith. And Alan Warner – a defender of the faith. They are the smooth and charismatic spinal column of the team. They’ve learnt how to cope with the pressure – and the vagaries of the press – producing performances the fans just rave about. The world is at their feet and they know how to pass.

There is much running about to be done in midfield and a wide expanse of the pitch has to be covered. A cool eye for situations is prerequisite. This position needs more than just realism. Midfield needs imagination and pop mobility. The ability to fly at will. Selflessly. Players who sparkle. Like Johnny Doyle. You know the sort. What’s that? Gordon Legge and James Meek you say? Sorted. Proven track records at every level. They come recommended and are adaptable to both Premier Division and Tennent’s Sixes.

Up front, if we’re going to have any impact on the new league set-up, we’re going to need fresh legs. Strikers whose tricks and feints haven’t been studied in depth by the efficient but essentially Night Nurse opposition. The Andy Ritchies and George Bests rather than the Linekeresque bores. Forwards who don’t pollute the beautiful game with their predictable technique. Aye. Fuck the dullards with a Gerry McNee boner. Laura Hird and the boy Reekie are on from the start.

So that’s it. The Children of Albion Rovers FC. Bodies honed to the very peak of fitness by years of substantial training. Shirts on their backs. Trophy room bare. But this team is Going Places! Ooh aah.

Kevinacchio Vilhelmsonya

(Continental-Style Coach)