Читать книгу A Thin Place - Jack Peterson - Страница 33

August 22, 1992

San Diego, California

“Are you alright?” Elizabeth asked.

Dr. Emil Lundgren shot a quick glance toward his wife and quickly returned his eyes back to the road. They hadn’t spoken a word since they left the party. “Yeah, I guess,” he answered apologetically. “I keep thinking that a birthday party that seemed like a great idea a couple of months ago didn’t turn out that way.”

Elizabeth quickly countered. “Considering the circumstances, I thought it went very well.”

A confused look came across Emil’s face. “Are you kidding?”

“It’s not exactly something I would kid about.”

“You weren’t uncomfortable?”

“Should I have been?”

Emil’s voice cracked. “Well, I certainly felt uneasy. Jonna didn’t pay attention to anyone. Celia just let her sit in the corner all night scribbling on a paper sack. I didn’t see her look up even once. It was as if we weren’t even there!”

Elizabeth bit her tongue, trying hard to hold her response, if even for a moment. She felt her husband’s reaction to Jonna’s behavior an uninformed observation. When Emil first told her of Jonna’s diagnosis, she decided to do her homework. She purchased a book a friend described as a nonprofessional’s handbook for parents of autistic children. For her, it was a clear and concise compendium, not filled with confusing medical jargon, giving her a head start about what one could expect when rearing an afflicted child. Despite his medical background, Emil was apparently not as educated on the subject as she thought. She wanted be polite, but it was a difficult. “Just what did you expect?” she asked quietly.

Emil calmed his voice. “I don’t really know. It’s just that it was a shock for me to see how far Jonna had regressed in just a few weeks. I feel guilty. I keep thinking I should have done something.”

Emil shook his head. “What really fries my ass is that I felt something was amiss when Celia brought Jonna in for her quarterly checkup a couple of months ago. Jonna was lethargic, not as alert as she should have been. She wasn’t reacting to outside influences. When I clapped my hands behind her back, she acted as if nothing had happened. I had her hearing checked a few days later, but it was normal. I still thought something wasn’t right, but I couldn’t identify it. I am ashamed to admit it, but autism never crossed my mind. I never followed up.”

Elizabeth offered a comforting nod. She knew physicians were not perfect. It was impossible for mistakes not to happen, particularly in a clinical atmosphere where hundreds of patients were seen each week. While they weren’t major miscues, her six years as a nurse practitioner for Emil’s clinic taught her that there was no such thing as a mistake-free clinic.

Twenty minutes later, as Emil turned off Highway 5 and pointed toward the Coronado Bridge, Elizabeth remained perplexed that her husband had been so uncharacteristically unprepared for Jonna’s behavior. He rarely left anything to chance, even his free time on weekends which he planned by the hour. Calculated goals were a way of life for him, and she feared Jonna’s unexpected turn of events could put their personal plans on hold. Early in their relationship, they both agreed they would delay the start of their own family. Emil had often shared the troubles and insecurity he felt while growing up with his physician father who rarely shared personal time with his family. He didn’t want to make the same mistake. In her heart, Elizabeth feared they may have waited too long and that Jonna would be the only child she could ever share with her husband. A ruptured ovary a year earlier had rendered her sterile and, while they often talked of adoption, she knew her inability to bear a child had only heightened her husband’s affection for the only natural child he would ever have. Children were important, but her husband more so. Jonna would always be a major part of their life together, but suddenly there was an unpredictable curve in the road. Emil was the consummate perfectionist, and his ability to accept a daughter with an imperfection was still an unknown.

Emil broke his prolonged silence. “I’m sorry,” he offered. “I should have been prepared for what I saw. I have read enough textbooks on the subject, but they were always so impersonal. To have it become subjective rather than objective was a real jolt for me.”

Elizabeth leaned her head back against the headrest and closed her eyes. The frequency of her intermittent flashes of anger for her husband’s indiscretions three years earlier had nearly disappeared and, as hard as she tried not to let it happen, tonight’s party had rekindled the fire. She knew her husband was a promiscuous bachelor when they met, and she accepted it. He was a single, affable doctor with a bright future, and it was obvious that finding willing female partners for friendship and sexual pleasures would never be difficult if he chose to do so. A whirlwind courtship led to their marriage two months after they met. Despite his infidelity, their marriage remained intact and Jonna’s birth somehow brought them even closer. They both were part of Celia’s family. The best part was that she and Celia had become friends, not adversaries. She leaned her head on his shoulder. “So what’s next?” she asked.

Emil shook his head. “I don’t really know. All I’ve done so far is to give Celia the name of a clinic here in San Diego that works with autistic children. She took her there yesterday. There are so many issues and knowing where to start is not easy. It’s obvious that I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.”

When they prepared for bed that night, Elizabeth decided to take Emil’s mind off the evening and suggested they make love. While Emil enthusiastically accepted her invitation, once in bed he was distant, mechanical. His normal passion and sensuality were missing. Despite her best efforts, he was incapable of entering her. His mind clearly elsewhere, he eventually turned his attention to a simpler and more primary objective by satisfying her orally.

Late the next morning, Emil apologized for his preoccupation the night before. He explained that his thoughts had been on the last three years of their lives and reaffirmed that having his name listed as the father on Jonna’s birth certificate was more than a formality and that, while he took his parenthood very seriously, their marriage came first, and he would continue his efforts to rekindle her trust.

After Emil left for his usual round of Saturday golf, Elizabeth sat quietly on the sofa allowing herself a quiet moment of her own. Their marriage had been turned upside down when Emil presented the news of Celia’s pregnancy. While he was adamant that it was the only time he had ever cheated, it had taken her nearly two years to accept his statement as truth. Now, they were facing a new challenge. Their future was on a road of thin ice that could crack and give way at any moment. Uncertainty was suddenly the only predictable commodity in their new world. The end of the road was nowhere in sight, but it was one they had to travel together. She had no way of knowing it was a road that would eventually astonish the world.