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14

‘It really isn’t appropriate bringing a child to session, but I suppose now she’s here there’s nothing we can do about it. You can put her out in the hall.’

To which Cooper said, ‘She’s not a damn cat. She’ll be fine just there in the corner. She can play with her bug and read her book. She won’t be any trouble.’

‘I’m not happy about this, Mr. Cooper. And that’s even without wanting to mention you’re twenty minutes late.’

‘So why did you?’

‘Why did I what?’

‘Mention it. If you didn’t want to do something, why do it?’

‘Is that what happens to you? If you don’t want to do something you don’t bother?’

‘You tell me,’ said Cooper. ‘That’s why I’m here, isn’t it?’

‘No, Mr. Cooper. You’re here for court-ordered psychological sessions. Two years of monthly sessions extended to three years due to non-compliance, as you probably recall. It was either that or a residential psychiatric facility treatment center, but I recollect your attorney was vigorously opposed to that suggestion… You seem to be in denial about the truth about why you’re here.’

Cooper stared at the doctor, with the overly gelled hair and brown mule shoes looking like they pinched a little too tight, and he noticed the doctor staring back, which wasn’t a good thing because he was certain the doctor with the over gelled hair and too small shoes would read something into it and write it down and show it to his colleagues and send it to the court probation officer and finally to the judge who would never know the whole situation could’ve been avoided with the right size shoes. ‘Jesus. I was joking, Doc. I know why I’m here.’

‘I wouldn’t call it a joke. Do you often try to cover feelings with jokes – however unfunny?’

‘You gotta stop this.’

‘Stop what Mr. Cooper?’

‘Every time I say something you see a different meaning.’

‘Does that trouble you?’

‘Too damn right it does.’

‘Would you say you have feelings of paranoia?’

‘No.’

‘You seem agitated.’

‘Wouldn’t you?’

‘That all depends.’

Cooper said, ‘On what?’

‘I think you’re trying to deflect. This session is about you. Do you often try to avoid conversations about yourself?’

‘Jesus Christ.’

‘Do you feel yourself getting angry?’

‘No… It’s just… it’s difficult.’

‘What is?’

‘This… you… Maddie… the whole situation.’

‘Now I feel we’re getting somewhere. Tell me about Maddie.’

‘She left me.’

‘And how does that make you feel?’

‘I want to say I feel bad, but I can’t feel anything. For a moment I did but now not a damn thing. It’s like I’ve rubbed a tube of Lidocaine on my insides. There’s nothing there.’

‘And what about your daughter?’

Cooper gave a side glance to Cora, who was busy examining Mr. Crawley. He lowered his voice. ‘You mean do I feel anything about her? I do, but only when I’m with her. When I’m not, it’s like I’m locked off, she doesn’t exist anymore.’

‘That’s common amongst people with PTSD, especially people with combat trauma… You don’t like me saying that do you?’

‘Come on, Doc, you sound like a broken record. I haven’t got that and besides, it was a long time ago… I’ve moved on.’

‘I don’t believe that any more than you do.’

‘Like I say, it was a long time ago.’

‘Seven years.’

‘I know,’ said Cooper. ‘You don’t have to tell me that.’

‘The brain is very complex, Mr. Cooper, it can either be your best friend or your worst enemy and these things, especially trauma-based mental health issues, can last a very long time. May be there for the rest of your life. It also has a way of lying dormant, it doesn’t always hit the person straight away. And there’ll always be triggers. And as we’ve discussed before it’s not so much about curing the problem – if it were only that simple – it’s about the management of it. And let me tell you this: the more you try avoid your issues, the less control you’ll have over them, and before you know what’s happened they’ll grow to the point where they take on a life of their own.’

‘I’m not saying it’s always easy. At times it feels like I’ve a monster living inside me. Destroying everything I touch and those around me, and when it’s done creating havoc, that monster turns on me, pushing me to the edge and there’s nothing I can do to get away from it. It just devours me whole….’ Cooper trailed off, feeling like he’d said too much. He shrugged his shoulders, adding, ‘But hey, we’ve all got our demons, haven’t we? It’s no big deal.’

‘Why is it so hard for you to accept what I’m saying? Why are you always so adamant on rejecting my diagnosis and lessening your problems?’

‘Doc, you know I’m proud of having served and fought for my country, but here’s the thing: I’m okay, I got through it all, but I know some guys don’t and I won’t have you comparing my situation with my brothers – those military vets who really do suffer in silence, whose voices aren’t heard until it’s too late, and they put a gun to their head and blow themselves away. They’re the ones who end up losing everything after giving everything to their country. I won’t disrespect them like that. My problems, if I have any, don’t even compare. Jesus, I was on a yacht when it happened, not on the goddamn front line.’

‘You don’t have to be in a combat situation to be traumatized, however in your case I think you were. Look at the facts, Mr. Cooper: you were a serving officer at the time and although you were taking a couple of days’ vacation, you still came under attack. As a consequence of this attack your life and others were in danger. You had no control and felt there was no-one there to help you. You were injured and so was the other person with you.’

‘My injuries were nothing. Hurt my back, that’s all.’

‘Yet you take medication for it.’

Cooper was evasive. ‘Maybe. Sometimes… I dunno.’

‘Look, my point is your behaviour has got all the hallmarks of combat-related PTSD. All the hallmarks. And furthermore, you lost Ellie, and I don’t believe you’ve dealt with the guilt.’

‘I’d appreciate it if we didn’t go down that road.’

The hair-gelled doctor stared hard at Cooper. ‘Let me ask you this. You get flashbacks?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you feel disconnected from emotions?’

‘Yes.’

‘Heightened alert?’

‘Yes.’

‘Nightmares?’

‘Yes.’

‘Unable to sleep?’

‘Yes.’

‘… You still sleep with your knife?’

‘Yes, if Maddie or Cora aren’t about. Maddie was never keen on it. Made her feel uneasy. Worried I’d jump out of my sleep and not know who they were. Fill in the rest.’

‘Feel unable to relate to family or friends?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you alter your reality with the abuse of narcotics or alcohol?’

‘No, but whilst we’re on that subject, I’d appreciate it if you could write me another prescription for those pills.’

*

Cooper opened the car door for Cora. ‘Sorry it took so long but now we can go and get on a plane tonight and have some real fun.’

‘Daddy?’

‘Yes?’

‘Do you still love her?’

‘Of course I do. Listen, I don’t want you to worry about that. I’ll never stop loving Mommy.’

‘I don’t mean Mommy, I mean Ellie.’