Читать книгу Family Constellations - Jakob R Schneider - Страница 10
A Case Example
ОглавлениеA young man came into a group hoping to improve his relationships with women, and to find more joy in living. As the man answered questions about his relationship to women, his professional situation, and about his family of origin, the therapist commented that what stood out was how much effort the client put into his life. The man nodded. The therapist asked him to choose representatives for his family and place them in relationship to each other.
The man put his own representative to the right of his mother, his father at some distance on the other side, and his younger sister in front of his father, facing the same direction.
| F = | father |
| M = | mother |
| S1= | elder son (client) |
| D2 = | younger daughter |
Diagram 1
After a brief pause, the representatives reported the following:
Father: My daughter has all my attention. I am not aware of anything and I have no feelings at all towards my wife. I feel cut off and I would be happiest if I left.
Mother: Having my son next to me feels good. He’s warming me up. I don’t feel anything towards my husband or my daughter. It would be fine with me if it were just my son and myself.
Son: I don’t feel well. I feel almost sick, and I’m angry. I would like to scream. I can’t stand it here; I have to leave. (He moves spontaneously two steps to the right, away from the mother.)
| F = | father |
| M = | mother |
| S1= | elder son (client) |
| D2 = | younger daughter |
Diagram 2
Daughter: It feels nice and warm having my father behind me. I’d like to lean back and close my eyes, and have him take me in his arms. (She does this and the father’s representative holds her.)
The therapist points out to the client, who is sitting next to him in the group, that all the representatives in the constellation are looking in the same direction. This often indicates that they are looking at someone who is missing, someone who died prematurely, or who was struck by some other difficult blow of fate. He asks the client what happened in his family, or his parents’ families.
The young man reports the following facts about his family:
His maternal grandfather left his wife (the client’s mother’s mother) when his mother was seven years old. His mother saw her father a few more times, but then he re-married and the contact was lost. When the client’s mother was 16, her father died. Neither his mother nor his grandmother attended his grandfather’s funeral because they did not learn of his death until some time later.
The client’s paternal grandmother died when his father, an only child, was five years old. The grandfather took care of the child for a while, but then he had to give the boy to his dead wife’s sister. This aunt had no children of her own and she and her husband adopted the child (the client’s father). They lost contact with the boy’s natural father and his fate is unknown.
On the basis of this information, the therapist makes some changes in the constellation. He adds a representative for the mother’s father and puts him in the place where the son had originally been standing. Then he moves the daughter somewhat off to the side and in her place he puts a representative for the father’s mother.
| F | = | father |
| M | = | mother |
| S1 | = | elder son (client) |
| D2 | = | younger daughter |
| PGM | = | paternal grandmother (father’s mother) |
| MGF | = | maternal grandfather (mother’s father) |
Diagram 3
The client’s mother spontaneously turns towards her father and snuggles up to him like a little girl. She sighs deeply and then smiles happily. The father’s mother, however, moves forward as though sleepwalking until she bumps into someone sitting in the group. The daughter looks at her grandmother and begins to take a step forward, but then remains in her place, albeit uneasily. The client’s father shuts his eyes and becomes very rigid. The therapist, without speaking, takes the father and leads him to follow his mother (the client’s grandmother). After a while, the father reaches out to his mother from behind her and, still with his eyes closed, leans his head on her back. The therapist has the grandmother turn around. She looks at her son and takes him in her arms. The father begins to weep and after struggling with himself about whether to defend himself or to give in, he finally presses himself close to his mother and slowly becomes calm. The daughter has tears in her eyes and she follows her father. She lays her hand comfortingly on his back as if she were his parent.
| F | = | father |
| M | = | mother |
| S1 | = | elder son (client) |
| D2 | = | younger daughter |
| PGM | = | paternal grandmother (father’s mother) |
| MGF | = | maternal grandfather (mother’s father) |
Diagram 4
The son seems rather uninvolved and when asked says:
Son: It’s good for me to have my mother’s father. I’m relieved that he’s there and I feel better. All that with my father is somehow rather far away from me.
The mother now stands up straight next to her father and says:
Mother: Now, for the first time, I have some feeling for my husband and I notice that he is missing from my side. I’d like it if he would come back. It feels very good and very secure with my father here next to me.
The therapist leads the father back to a position next to his wife and places his mother very near behind him, but in a place where she can see her grandchildren. He places the two children in front of their parents. The son is standing opposite his father and the daughter opposite the mother. He moves the mother’s father a bit off to the side and adds a representative for the mother’s mother to stand behind the mother. He arranges the representatives in order, so that the mother’s father, who died young, can be seen, but has a place somewhat apart from his daughter and his first wife. The mother’s mother strengthens her daughter and the father’s mother stands behind her son, giving good support.
| F | = | father |
| M | = | mother |
| S1 | = | elder son (client) |
| D2 | = | younger daughter |
| PGM | = | paternal grandmother (father’s mother) |
| MGF | = | maternal grandfather (mother’s father) |
| MGM | = | maternal grandmother (mother’s mother) |
Diagram 5
The therapist asks the representatives for their feedback:
Father: The warmth that I felt earlier from the front, from my daughter, is now coming from behind, from my mother, and that feels very good. I am aware of my wife now and for the first time I can really see my children, especially my son. Somehow, I feel a bit proud now. Still, my legs are rather weak.
Mother: I feel good having my mother at my back, but my husband is too far away from me. I’m not happy with this. In some way we are a family now, but I feel an unsatisfied longing and my son is too far away. There is still something between my husband and me, as if there’s something keeping us apart.
Son: I feel much better here now that I’ve got a father, and my grandmother’s look of love touches my heart. When my mother looks so longingly at me, I feel weak. Generally speaking, I could use some strength. Perhaps another man near my father…? My grandfather? (The therapist adds a representative for the father’s father and places him at the father’s side, but at a distance.)
| F | = | father |
| M | = | mother |
| S1 | = | elder son (client) |
| D2 | = | younger daughter |
| PGM | = | paternal grandmother (father’s mother) |
| MGF | = | maternal grandfatherr (mother’s father) |
| MGM | = | maternal grandmother (mother’s mother) |
| PGF | = | paternal grandfather (father’s father) |
Diagram 6
Son: Yes, that’s very, very good. (He beams at his grandfather, who smiles back at him.) Now there’s a good balance there.
Daughter: I feel much better. The two grandmothers are good to have. Now my daddy is being taken care of and I don’t have to worry about him. Now I can actually live. My mummy is still missing something.
The therapist asks the client if either of his parents had had a relationship with someone else before they got married, or if anything else occurs to him that could be pertinent. The client says that his father did not have a relationship before he married his wife. He was somewhat younger that the client’s mother. The man vaguely remembers his mother having once spoken about a fiancé who had left her. Otherwise, nothing occurs to him. But, in case it should happen to be important, his mother had an abortion after his sister was born. His mother had told him about that recently, after a row with his father. He had the impression that she felt guilty about the abortion. The therapist chooses a representative for the mother’s one-time fiancé and places him next to the client’s mother.
| F | = | father |
| M | = | mother |
| S1 | = | elder son (client) |
| D2 | = | younger daughter |
| PGM | = | paternal grandmother (father’s mother) |
| MGF | = | maternal grandfatherr (mother’s father) |
| MGM | = | maternal grandmother (mother’s mother) |
| PGF | = | paternal grandfather (father’s father) |
| MFi | = | mother’s fiancé |
Diagram 7
The mother lays her head on this man’s chest in the same way she had put her head on her father’s chest. She becomes very teary. The therapist asks her to look at the man and say to him: “I miss you. I loved you very much. Despite the pain of your leaving, I have always longed for you. Now it’s time for me to truly let you go. I will remember you fondly.” The therapist leads the ex-fiancé off to the side, but still turned towards the others and clearly seen by them all. He moves the father a bit nearer the mother.
| F | = | father MGF = maternal grandfatherr (mother’s father) |
| M | = | mother |
| S1 | = | elder son (client) |
| D2 | = | younger daughter |
| PGM | = | paternal grandmother (father’s mother) |
| MGF | = | maternal grandfatherr (mother’s father) |
| MGM | = | maternal grandmother (mother’s mother) |
| PGF | = | paternal grandfather (father’s father) |
| MFi | = | mother’s fiancé |
Diagram 8
The therapist then asks the mother to look at her son and say to him: “My dear son, you have been my comfort. Whenever I look at you I feel a bit of my love and longing for my father and my ex-fiancé. Your presence has always been a relief for me, but now I release you. With my father in my heart and my mother close by, I am fine. I am letting go of my old fiancé along with the old pain and the old longings. I leave you to your dad.”
The client, who is sitting in the group, exhales visibly.
Finally, the therapist adds a representative for the aborted child and places this person on the floor in front of the two parents, leaning back against them. Both the father and the mother spontaneously lay their hands on the child’s head. They look directly and warmly at each other for the first time.
The client is asked to assume the place of his representative in the constellation. He stands quietly for a while and puts his arm around his sister. He then leaves her and goes to his father’s father, takes him by the hand and leads him to the grandfather’s son (the client’s father). Silently he embraces the two. The therapist firmly removes the client’s arms from the embrace and moves him back. He asks the father and grandfather to embrace the client instead of him embracing them. They do so energetically, and look at each other openly for the first time. The young man begins to sob deeply in the arms of the two men. A great tension seems to relax and something thaws towards his father. The client’s experience of his relationship with his father has always been distant and indifferent and now, suddenly, his father seems very close and he can feel love towards him. The therapist asks the man to leave off his sobbing and instead to breathe deeply until he really, physically feels his father. After a while the therapist moves the client from the arms of his father and grandfather, and turns him around in front of them so he can feel them at his back. The young man straightens up visibly, his face lightens up, and he nods firmly to the therapist.
| F | = | father |
| M | = | mother |
| S1 | = | elder son (client) |
| D2 | = | younger daughter |
| PGM | = | paternal grandmother (father’s mother) |
| MGF | = | maternal grandfatherr (mother’s father) |
| MGM | = | maternal grandmother (mother’s mother) |
| PGF | = | paternal grandfather (father’s father) |
| MFi | = | mother’s fiancé |
| AC | = | aborted child |
Diagram 9
The constellation ends here.
In this 30-minute constellation, the client and the rest of the group could clearly see a great deal about the dynamics in this family. Many of the group participants nodded knowingly, and some had tears in their eyes. There was no need for the therapist to explain anything. The information provided, the movements, and the spoken communication in the constellation brought sufficient clarity about what the bonds had been in this family and what would leave this young man freer and stronger. His original issue was that his relationships with women had been very unsatisfactory; he had had many girlfriends, but he always felt pulled back from them and the women always felt angry with him for being so unreachable and for refusing to hold up his side of the relationship. He was very successful in his professional life, but that did not bring him joy and a sense of security. Now, he could at least guess at the connections and, more importantly, he could take his rightful place. From this place, having looked at the fate that belonged to his family, he could feel his loving connection to his parents and experience a new vitality and trust in life.
