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CHAPTER 3

Understanding Emotional Intelligence and Leading for the Whole Child

Consider the following scenarios.

A superintendent who prides herself on emotional self-control and objectivity unexpectedly loses her temper in a board meeting. No amount of effort or apology works to patch her relationship with two board members.

An elementary school principal underestimates the impact of reassigning teachers to different grade levels without their input. Grade-level team meetings erupt in shouting matches and a palpable resistance to the school’s initiatives.

The director of instructional coaching who sees her efforts to embed coaching as ongoing professional development rather than remediation is shocked when her spouse insists on marriage counseling. “You have nothing left for us at the end of the day,” he tells her.

I could make an endless list of examples of leaders who are focused on the strategic and technical aspects of leadership while underestimating the roles of emotional intelligence. I think this quote from Human Capital Institute (2013) best sums up the importance of high emotional intelligence:

We argue that Emotional Intelligence is more than an amorphous concept related to “playing well with others.” It is made up of a specific set of observable and measurable emotional and social skills that impact the way people perceive and express themselves, develop and maintain social relationships, cope with challenges, and use emotional information in an effective and meaningful way. (p. 1)

Since the start of the 21st century, the world of business has brought widespread recognition that these soft skills are not only vital but far harder to master and deploy day in and day out than the hard skills such as strategic planning, supervision, and financial management (Cherniss et al., 2006). In this chapter, you’ll understand the case for developing your emotional intelligence quotient, or EQ, you’ll be introduced to an accessible yet robust model for EQ development that we’ll refer to throughout the book, and you’ll determine those EQ skills most relevant to your goals.

The Top Five Truths About EQ

Dismissed at first by powerful executives as that touchy-feely stuff that might decrease organizational drive for results, a growing body of research and empirical evidence supports the key role of EQ in effective leadership. Here’s what you need to know.

1. EQ is the foundation for effective leadership: Leaders in education are, by and large, a smart group, and the vast majority of promotions is the result of proven results with managerial and technical skills. However, the shift from effective manager to effective leader requires EQ. Bill George (2012), retired head of Medtronic, made this observation: “I have never seen leaders fail for lack of raw intelligence, but have observed … more than a hundred who failed for lack of … Emotional Intelligence” (as cited in Human Capital Institute, 2013, p. 15).

2. EQ in education is often oversimplified: EQ is far more than empathy, grit, resilience, and some other repeating themes. Although literature on school leadership often cites EQ, are you seeing investment in assessments and ongoing development and a broad definition that includes components as diverse as reality testing, independence, and stress tolerance? When coaching university and business leaders, I often use the Emotional Quotient-Inventory 2.0 (EQ-i^2.0) from MHS Assessments (https://bit.ly/2K4KXRZ), which I believe has the best norms, reliability, and validity of any of the self-reporting tools on the market. Without exception, the educators I work with find that they are overusing or underusing one or more of the fifteen subscales in the model; they need a plan for development. Later in this chapter, you’ll learn more about the four core areas found in robust EQ models (see page 37).

3. Teacher efficacy requires EQ: Without EQ, it is nearly impossible for a leader to create the conditions necessary for collective teacher efficacy, an atmosphere where teachers believe that they have the capacity to reach the goals set out for them and that their hard work will have the desired results (Sun & Leithwood, 2015).

Meta-analyses of over 150 instructional strategies and other influences on student learning show that collective teacher efficacy has the biggest effect size, 1.57 (DeWitt, 2017). However, building collective teacher efficacy requires leadership expertise in several skills involving EQ, including the following.

FURTHER DEVELOPMENT

Effect size studies quantitatively answer the question, “So how big an effect did this really have?” It is a numerical representation of an effort’s impact on learning, and it derives from measuring the impact of implementing a change versus not doing so using an experiment group and a control group. John Hattie (2012) estimates that an effect size of 0.4 was the equivalent of providing a year’s worth of academic growth.

• Inspiring group purpose—People who feel connected to an organization’s purpose and values are more effective than those who are competent but lack connection to that purpose (Coyle, 2018).

• Providing teachers with individual support—Holding teachers accountable is only one side of the outcomes and people lens, the subject of chapter 11 (page 143). Think, for example, of the different levels of support teachers need to implement the same new strategy, depending on their experience levels, individual strengths, and content-area expertise. Collective teacher efficacy flows from all teachers experiencing the level and forms of support they need to learn. That takes empathy, listening skills, and coaching skills in school leaders.

• Creating an atmosphere of safety and trust—The number-one predictor of effective teams is an atmosphere of safety and belonging (Coyle, 2018). Team members consistently describe the experience of being in such atmospheres as being part of a family. Will Felps, Terence Mitchell, and Eliza Byington (2006) report three key leadership cues that create this safe space: (1) Their energy is invested in the immediate exchange. Group members feel safe sharing problems and mistakes because the leader listens intently and ensures that no critique or judgment comes from others. (2) This individualized attention makes each person feel unique and valued instead of like a problem to be solved or a nameless face in the crowd. (3) The leader makes it clear that the relationship and safe space are ongoing. When we know we are safe, we can tell the friend-or-foe filter in our brains (developed back in caveman days) to take a break and get on with collective efficacy.

• Modeling self-care and care for others—Teachers report increased job satisfaction, loyalty, and effectiveness when their leaders not only care for those around them, but for themselves as well. A leader without work–life balance, the focus of chapter 15 (page 195), the goal orientation and engagement lens, discourages others from striving for it in their own lives (Skakon, Nielsen, Borg, & Guzman, 2010).

4. People crave leaders with high EQ: The Athena Doctrine (Gerzema & D’Antonio, 2013) documents a worldwide study of the skills people seek in leaders. These include connectedness, humility, candor, patience, empathy, trustworthiness, openness, flexibility, vulnerability, and balance. That is basically a list of EQ competencies.

5. EQ requires willpower: Willpower is a finite (but replenishable) resource, and your job whittles away at your limited supply. Have you noticed that you have less patience at home after a tough day at school? Or, how tempting your favorite dessert is after you finish writing a difficult report or facilitating a conflict situation?

All of these things rely on willpower, and you only have so much. Roy Baumeister and John Tierney (2011) point out that our brain’s large frontal lobes developed to facilitate being part of large social groups—in other words, for emotional intelligence. Successful participation requires self-control. Self-control involves willpower. Research into willpower reveals the following two key lessons that we cannot ignore in our quests for higher EQ:

1. You have a finite amount of willpower that becomes depleted as you use it.

2. You use the same stock of willpower for all manner of tasks. You might think you have one reservoir of self-control for work, another for dieting, another for exercise, and another for being nice to your family. But … there are hidden connections among the wildly different things you do all day. You use the same supply of willpower to deal with frustrating traffic, tempting food, annoying colleagues, demanding bosses, pouting children (Baumeister & Tierney, 2011, p. 35).

They specifically cite control of emotional intelligence as a willpower depleter. Developing EQ competencies can increase the willpower reservoir in many ways, as you’ll see in the second half of this chapter. Think back to the opening vignettes in this chapter, though, and ponder how these otherwise competent leaders undervalued the importance of ensuring they had willpower available for EQ.

Fortunately, you can develop and increase EQ throughout your lifetime through deliberate practice while monitoring the impact on your effectiveness. Let’s turn to using a working model for accomplishing this.

Your EQ Focus

Although we’ll be exploring eight EQ skills (organized into four realms), a core principle of coaching—executive, group, or self-coaching—is to focus on no more than three goals or priorities at a time. In fact, one may be enough, considering how quickly that limited reservoir of willpower and self-control can drain away. You’ll have a chance to reflect on all eight, ponder which are most closely tied to the goal you identified in chapter 1 (page 9), and see which of the Twelve Lenses of Leadership most likely require that specific skill. You’ll find specific suggestions for EQ development in each of the lens-focused chapters (chapters 4–15).

In figure 3.1 (page 38), note the flow among the four realms and the eight specific skills. The model is neither static nor hierarchical. Further, most people find that their acumen with a skill ebbs and flows, depending on their environment, stress level, and even the EQ of those around them. They may get very different feedback at home and at the office.

Let’s explore each of these four realms and the skills inherent in them. Each of these sections asks you to self-assess your current level of EQ with a specific skill. At the end of this chapter, you’ll find a tool for making the best use of this information.

Figure 3.1: An EQ model for whole-child school leadership.

Emotional Self-Awareness

“Check your emotions at the door.” “Don’t smile until midterm.” “Stay objective.” These and other persistent workplace norms downplay the role of emotions as valuable information for taking action, making decisions, understanding how others see you, and many other things. Consider these two separate skills.

1. Recognizing your own emotional state: You can’t regulate your emotions if you aren’t aware of them. Do you sense when you are enthusiastic, frustrated, fearful, joyful, angry, and so on before others do? Do you note whether your emotions are healthy or unhealthy or productive or nonproductive for your current situation? Can you identify a remedy before it is too late?

2. Experiencing self-fulfillment: Imagine someone leading you who isn’t sure that he or she has accomplished anything meaningful. This EQ skill involves having meaningful goals tied to your values, and the confidence to plan and take steps to reach those goals. You also need a healthy balance between confidence in your own talents and abilities and the humility inherent in knowing you’ll need the talent and efforts of others to reach those goals.

Figure 3.2 highlights some markers you can use to assess your ability with these EQ skills.

Figure 3.2: Assess your emotional self-awareness.

Visit go.SolutionTree.com/leadership for a free reproducible version of this figure.

Self-Management of Emotions

Recognizing emotions is only the first step; managing them is essential to real effectiveness. Also note that exhibiting too much or too little control of emotions can be equally dangerous. For example, coaching clients often ask, “What could be bad about my ability to handle lots of stress?” The answer? You might have a tendency to assume, “If I can handle it, so can everyone else.”

Again, let’s look at two separate skills.

1. Managing and expressing emotions: The more accurately and specifically you can appraise your emotional state, the easier it is to identify and apply a remedy. For example, knowing you are overwhelmed rather than simply frustrated might spark an idea for delegating, seeking support, or saying no to the next request. Or, you might note rising impatience as a teacher describes a classroom incident and prompt yourself to employ active listening skills to ensure you exhibit the empathy the teacher deserves.

As a leader, your goal is expressing emotions appropriately and effectively in ways that build relationships and the vital atmosphere of trust. Emotional neutrality may actually decrease trust people have in leaders; people report that trust falters when they don’t think they can accurately read a leader’s mood (Pearman, Lombardo, & Eichinger, 2005).

Controlling your impulses falls into this skill as well. If you are a planner who seldom gives into impulses, remember that interrupting others, pushing for quick decisions, slips in emotional expression, and poor follow-through can all come from lack of impulse control.

2. Acting independently: One way to assess your ability with this skill is to ask yourself, “Can I make a tough call, even if it means facing disapproval or lack of harmony or worse?” A leader who can act independently works toward consensus. John Glaser (2005) cites the Quaker definition of consensus as “a process used to find the highest level of agreement without dividing the participants into factions” (p. 148). Effective leaders can make the tough call and employ other EQ skills as necessary to maintain trust and safety.

Figure 3.3 highlights some markers you can use to assess your ability with these EQ skills.

Figure 3.3: Assess your self-management of emotions.

Visit go.SolutionTree.com/leadership for a free reproducible version of this figure.

Social Awareness of Emotions

Emotions—your own and others—are soft data as valuable as any hard data about test scores, classroom observations, or other common tools for data-informed decisions. Back to the opening scenarios in this chapter, the school principal who moved teachers among grade levels was unaware of the potential emotional impact of her decisions and therefore created conflict, unintentionally sabotaging the level of trust in the building. The following two skills are necessary when making decisions that have an impact on others.

1. Being aware of others’ emotions: Views such as, “If it’s best for students, then the adults need to deal with it” negate the way our brains work. Adults can’t simply turn off their emotions, so leaders need to be aware of undercurrents. We are wired to connect with other humans; after all, we survived saber-toothed tiger attacks by working together. In the modern workplace, researchers find that when people pause from focusing on specific tasks, their attention defaults to social cognition. We think about ourselves and our relationships (Lieberman, 2013). Think how the example of grade-level moves violated core needs such as perceiving fair treatment, being valued as individuals, and feeling safe. Social awareness lets you not just recognize emotions in others but gain insights into their root causes and potential ramifications.

2. Demonstrating empathy: There is no doubt that people want leaders who are empathetic and that it is a core skill. However, the truly empathetic leader goes beyond feeling another’s pain to being able to grasp the root causes and impact of those emotions.

Overusing empathy can cause problems just as big as underuse. In coaching and in leading, too much empathy may encourage someone to indulge too long in self-pity rather than employing skills that lead to resilience. Too much empathy can also get in the way of a leader’s independence.

Empathy has one other downside: there is a fine line between using empathy for good and using it in ways that may eventually be interpreted as manipulative. After all, if you can empathize, you know exactly how to create maximum pain. As an extreme example, psychopaths are actually capable of demonstrating high levels of this skill (Meffert, Gazzola, den Boer, Bartels, & Keysers, 2013).

Figure 3.4 (page 42) highlights some markers you can use to assess your ability with these EQ skills.

Figure 3.4: Assess your social awareness of emotions.

Visit go.SolutionTree.com/leadership for a free reproducible version of this figure.

Relationship Management

The first three areas of EQ skills are foundational to a leader’s biggest task—creating an environment where people are effectively engaged in working collaboratively toward a meaningful vision or purpose that inspires them personally. Effective leaders take what they know about the organization and the goals and use both strategic thinking and EQ to guide and motivate. Further, school leaders need to manage external relationships as well—with parents, the community, school district personnel, and so on.

If that sounds like a huge, nebulous responsibility, perhaps this lends weight to the premise that developing EQ is far more difficult than mastering the technical skills of leadership. Concentrating on the following two skills is an ongoing journey.

1. Building an atmosphere of emotional safety: You’ve already seen how this is key to collective teacher efficacy. People need to know they are accepted for who they are. They don’t have to change their essence to fit in and gain acceptance. Safe in an atmosphere of unconditional acceptance, they can freely seek help in meeting high expectations. Again, the leader cues this acceptance through energetic attention to conversations, ensuring that each person feels valued as an individual and establishing that this safe space for relationships is ongoing and permanent. Further, if you are the top leader in your building, department, or school district, then everyone who reports to you needs to have this same EQ competency so that people at every level experience being accepted.

2. Employing interpersonal skills: You could probably generate a long, long list of interpersonal skills to include here, but those that are most critical to the other EQ skills are active listening, working collaboratively, giving feedback, and modeling balance.

Active listening means hearing what another person is saying to understand their position, needs, circumstances, and so on. If you paraphrase what they’ve said, their reaction is, “Yes! That’s exactly what I was thinking!” This skill takes practice, since most of us listen with one ear while judging, readying a response, or critiquing with the other ear.

Collaborative skills involve being open to other points of view and different paths for reaching the same goals as you share responsibility and learn from collective reflection.

People on your teams might see providing effective feedback as being a friendly mirror. The person you are coaching grasps what he or she needs to see, and your relationship strengthens in the process.

As for modeling balance, in chapter 15 (page 195), you’ll explore more deeply how your personal approach to work–life balance, the workplace norms you can influence, and the policies and expectations you set affect not only everyone’s well-being but their ability to be energized, effective, efficient, and engaged.

Figure 3.5 highlights some markers you can use to assess your ability with these EQ skills.

Figure 3.5: Assess your relationship management.

Visit go.SolutionTree.com/leadership for a free reproducible version of this figure.

The EQ Skills Most Relevant to You

Figure 3.6 shows which of the eight EQ skills are most relevant to the Twelve Lenses of Leadership. Note that in any situation, any of these eight key EQ skills may be where you need to place your priorities.

Figure 3.6: The Twelve Lenses of Leadership and related EQ skills.

Three Ways to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence

Consider the following three action items for reflection.

1. Look back over how you scored yourself; how others score isn’t as important as how you score each scale in relationship to the others. How would you rank your abilities with the eight areas? Use figure 3.7 by placing a 1 in front of the area you have the most skill with, and so on. Use this as a reference to establish how much focus on the EQ skill you might need if your current focus involves lenses that are related to the EQ competencies you ranked lower.

Figure 3.7: Rank your EQ skills.

Visit go.SolutionTree.com/leadership for a free reproducible version of this figure.

2. When it comes to emotional intelligence, what may seem like common sense when setting goals and plans is often anything but. Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee (2002) report on characteristics of strong goals and plans:

Goals should build on one’s strengths, not on one’s weaknesses. Goals must be a person’s own –– not goals that someone else has imposed.

Plans should flexibly allow people to prepare for the future in different ways––a single planning method imposed by an organization will often prove counterproductive.

Plans must be feasible, with manageable steps: Plans that don’t fit smoothly into a person’s life and work will likely be dropped within a few weeks or months.

Plans that don’t suit a person’s learning style will prove demotivating and quickly lose his attention. (p. 144)

Consider using these points to build your own goal.

• How can you use an EQ strength—say, empathy, to work on another area, such as giving feedback?

• Talk with someone you trust about the eight competencies and where they see you using them well and where you are struggling to use them well, but set your own goal for moving forward.

• Consider trying the planning method in chapter 16 (page 209) once, but then change it for your own style.

• Ask yourself, “Can I do this, or should I adjust the plan?”

• Ask yourself, “Is this my style or someone else’s? What do I need to change?”

3. Reflect on the following emotional intelligence attributes needed for collective teacher efficacy. Which ones can you honestly say you have mastered? Where might you focus your leadership development efforts?

• Inspiring group purpose

• Providing teachers with individual support

• Creating an atmosphere of safety and trust

• Modeling self-care and care for others