Читать книгу Gypsy Jane - Jane Lee - Страница 12
ОглавлениеI didn’t want to be a gangster. I just wanted to be a proper mum.
After I had been pregnant for six months, I finally got my own flat through the council in October, 1984 because of my circumstances. I’d got no money coming in, a baby on the way and Christmas was around the corner.
I was trying so hard to keep on the straight and narrow but I needed money for my baby. It was time to go and dig up my gun. I knew what I had to do and I went and did it. I didn’t want to because I had promised myself I wouldn’t do any more armed robberies after the CID had turned up that day. But I had to do it for my baby because I had nothing. I would just do one job so I could make my flat a home.
The people I was robbing thought I was a gangster but little did they know. I didn’t want to be a gangster. I just wanted to be a proper mum. The job went without a hitch. But I’ve got to be honest, I was a lot more nervous than before because I was so worried for my baby. I used the balaclava and did the job on my own, and covered myself with a big coat so I wouldn’t look pregnant. I mean, pregnancy was a bit of a giveaway as clues go, so I had to be a bit crafty on that front. But I made enough to get everything I needed for the baby’s arrival. A pram, cot, baby clothes and toys, and I decorated the flat.
Dad still wasn’t talking to me and, God, it was killing me because I love my dad. But I’d let him down by getting pregnant. Jamie having nothing to do with me upset Dad too because he wanted more for me. I understood Dad’s feelings but I was more hurt that Dad wasn’t there than I had been by Jamie leaving.
Christmas came and I had two weeks to go before giving birth. I spent Christmas with Shell, who by then was married and pregnant herself. Shell said I looked beautiful and her house was so Christmassy with all its decorations and presents under the tree. It was so lovely. Shell and I had done some growing up and she made me feel so welcome. I felt about as happy as I can remember being, apart from still missing Dad.
My son John was born on 6 January 1985 at Forest Gate hospital and, when he arrived in this world, I was the happiest woman alive. I thought a lot about Jamie and what he was missing out on but it was his loss. He only came to visit John once and I never saw him again after that.
I was going to name my son Ronnie, after my dad, but my brother came up to the hospital when all the other women were with their husbands so I said, ‘John, make out you’re my husband,’ because I felt embarrassed about not having my own man there. So he did and, for that reason, I named my son John Ronald Lee after the two most precious men in my life.
Mum was there for the birth. I remember screaming out in pain and she grabbed my hand and said, ‘Don’t show me up.’ I have to laugh now. She said I could go stay with her and Dad for a week so I discharged myself and went to Mum’s. John was only a day old but I couldn’t stay at the hospital with all the other mums. I just wanted me and my baby home and, when I got there, Dad grabbed hold of me and said he was sorry for being angry. I cried with happiness. I needed my dad – not for anything but the love he gave me.
That night Mum was completely drunk and started on me again, just like in the old days. It didn’t take much to set her off and I can’t even remember why she was having a go at me. But she didn’t hit me any longer. She knew by now that there was another side to me and not to push it too far. But her mouth made up for it. She would say the most spiteful things and, to tell you the truth, a hiding wouldn’t have hurt half as much as some of the things she came out with.
So that same night I calmly picked up John and went home to my own flat. I loved Dad but I couldn’t stay under the same roof as Mum. My baby and I didn’t have much but we had each other, and I vowed there and then that my son would always have a loving home and be showered in love. I felt a love like I’ve never felt before. It’s called unconditional love and now, for the first time in my life, I knew what it meant.
