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RUNG 2

Emotional Well-Being

“Emotional Well Being—it’s a choice. And when you bring awareness to any aspect of your life, you will reap benefits, because awareness tells you how you are doing. It’s an infallible kind of radar, if you turn it on. The most important thing is knowing what you want.”

—Deepak Chopra, M.D.

Here’s to Your (Emotional) Health

With Dr. Chopra’s words in mind, whenever I give a lecture on how to be Better Than Before, at some point I survey the room of (mostly) women and ask them what they want most out of life. The answer is almost always a resounding “We want to be happy!” Not to have more money, not to have more bags and shoes—although those are things that might make some people (ahem!) happier—but to feel happiness itself. To that end, I am often posed two questions: “Is it really possible to become happier?” And, “Can I do it overnight?”

The response to the first is a resounding “Yes!” As for the second, there are no instant fixes. In order to overcome life’s emotional challenges, you must first take responsibility for your own life. Above all, you have to understand that your emotional lifestyle has consequences on your physical health, as well as your mental well-being. In other words, if you feel better about how you live, you will live better!

As we discussed in Rung 1, there is a direct link between emotional health and heart health. In fact, researchers at the Barbra Streisand Women’s Heart Center at the Cedars-Sinai Heart Institute have found that emotional stressors may trigger changes that can cause such health issues as coronary artery dysfunction, headaches, digestive problems, insomnia, and even cancer.

Stress is both inevitable and ubiquitous in most of our lives; yet we seem at a loss for ways to modulate it for ourselves. We all have so many responsibilities that we rarely allow ourselves a moment to think, to experience—to dream. And unless we get a handle on our lives, emotional angst can have serious consequences. But, what can we realistically incorporate into our daily lives to help get us through the difficult days? This rung is devoted to finding those ways and means.

The Kaizen Secret

The whole concept of being Better Than Before implies change—and the best place to start is in your mindset. Granted, it’s not possible to become the pure, innocent five-year-old you, who (hopefully) never experienced an emotional crisis. But you can constantly try to be better than a day ago, an hour ago, or even a minute ago. The secret is to take small steps, what the Japanese call Kaizen (from the ancient Chinese words meaning “change to make good or better”). It is all about making an effort to continually improve each day in very small increments. You can begin by gradually replacing the negative self-talk that keeps you from becoming the person you truly want to be.

You Are Not Alone

We all suffer from something, be it as simple as cuticle biting, jaw clenching, or smoking; to more complex issues such as chronic stress, fears, low self-esteem, neuroses, and phobias. In response to these universal complaints, everywhere you look there’s something either written or broadcast about stress management. What not to eat, what not to drink, what not to think. The fact that you know you shouldn’t be stressed—and you are—can cause even more stress. Take The Lawyer, for example, and his Orwellian theory on ice cream: “Forcing myself to resist my natural urges to eat it will cause more harmful stress than the physical LDL damage of eating it. So therefore, it will be even worse for my arteries to not eat ice cream!”(Huh?)

Chances are you are one of the millions of people who are overwhelmed in every aspect of their lives—at work, at home, in relationships, financially, and even by the little yet annoying things such as traffic jams and people with too many food items in the express checkout line. Unfortunately, the stress epidemic sweeping our country is not only widespread; it’s also on the rise. Perhaps that’s because the sources of stress are also multiplying.

Stress is epidemic. According to the American Psychological Association, 77 percent of Americans say that they “regularly experience physical symptoms,” 73 percent have “experienced psychological symptoms,” and 48 percent feel that “their stress has increased over the past five years.”

Stress Comes in Many Forms

The major personal stressors are well-known: Illness, dating and marriage, breakup and divorce, and the death of a friend or loved one. Then we all have career and financial worries. And for the more emotionally fragile, almost any change from their normal pattern can set emotional anguish in motion. Additionally, there are environmental stressors, such as smog and noise pollution. In today’s digital world, stress may also come from a constant bombardment of e-mails, texts, and voice messages that gives us the feeling of being on-call 24/7.

However, the most difficult stress to deal with may stem from within—low self-esteem. It is most often triggered by trying to live up to the expectations of others—or what we assume others think of us. There will always be those who are more beautiful, wealthier, or more successful. You are who you are. And if you are doing the best that you can, there is no reason to feel “less than.”

We must also address the fears that turn into phobias and anxiety, that horrific sense of being out of control. It can be associated with a specific issue, such as flying, public speaking, driving on freeways, or even visiting the doctor. (Being that I am a hypochondriac, the very sight of a white coat, even on a butcher, causes my blood pressure to soar to stroke levels.) Anxiety can also manifest in that general sense of dread that comes out of nowhere, sometimes for no particular reason, but frightens the heck out of you.

That brings us to perhaps the greatest source of stress of all—motherhood, the veritable mother lode of emotional stress. No matter how good a parent we may be, we all feel (undoubtedly correctly) that we have made mistakes along the way. We fear, for example, that our kids will always remember the time(s) we sent them to school when they felt sick to their stomach, believing that it was only because we had other things to do—and the school nurse promptly sent them back home (secretly, I feared, thinking I was an unfit mother).

While we all make sacrifices for our children, every mother feels guilty about something. If we work, we wish we stayed home. If we choose to stay home, even for the first year or so, we think we should be doing more important things with our lives than discussing the relative merits of Pampers versus Huggies.

Sometimes we erroneously assume that we have the best of both worlds. When Elise, my youngest, was born, I began to write a few days a week from my home office. Granted, it was nice to secretly wear sweats and bunny slippers when I was doing important phone interviews. But unfailingly, every time I made a call, the children began to loudly attack one another in one made-up game or another. I would sigh and assert to my sympathetic interviewee that an inconsiderate coworker had brought his or her disorderly kids into the office.

For all you new moms, I do have good news—it does get easier with each child, I swear. For example, when Alex was a newborn, I used to rush him to the pediatrician whenever his temperature reached 98.7. With Philip, four years later as a more experienced mom, it was only when it got over 100. By the time Elise came along six years after that, I wasn’t even upset when her temperature hit 102. Knowing by then that a healthy child tends to fever high to naturally fight infection, I merely gave her a dose of liquid Tylenol and kept a close vigil. Suffice it to say, she’s still alive and thriving.

Yes, dads suffer stress, too! But as women, we tend to have even more responsibilities. We are nurturers by nature; so, for the most part, child care is in a mother’s domain. It’s exhausting just thinking that it could be possible to have it all—if we do it all. And we can’t. It’s both physically and mentally impossible.

And trust me on this one, ladies, it is okay to not be Wonder Woman. She’s the one who gets up at 5 AM, sprints to the gym, then showers, answers all e-mails, fixes her family a breakfast of flaxseed banana waffles with organic maple syrup, and is ready to go to the office as soon as she drives her 2.4 equally perfect children to school. Her male counterpart is just as accomplished. Not only does he hold down a high-powered day job, but he is a nationally ranked squash player and on weekends writes poetry when not competing in an Ironman Triathlon. In a pinch, he can reshingle his roof. But unless they actually hail from the planet Krypton, inside they’re a hot mess!

And I know this in part from my brief foray into Super-parenthood. It was one winter, many moons ago; I had really felt sorry for my husband as he somehow managed to always get sick at the exact same time as the children. Needless to say, he did not get a whole lot of sympathy. So when everyone was well, I decided to make it up to him. “Tomorrow, dear,” I announced, “I will prepare you a special breakfast, lay out your clothes, and drive you to work.”

So I spent more time fussing over his meal than I did taking care of the children that morning. They had cold cereal; he had steel-cut oats with walnuts. I carefully chose his suit and tie, and even made sure that he wasn’t wearing one brown shoe and one black, as sometimes happens when he dresses himself. And as soon as I rushed my older sons off to the bus and took my little girl to nursery school, as promised, I hopped in the car and gave him door-to-door service to his office.

An hour later, all missions accomplished, I, über-wife, returned to my office and started to write my column with still plenty of time left to meet my deadline. I sat back in the chair and let out a large self-satisfied sigh, thinking to myself, “Who said you can’t have it—and, most important, do it—all?” Just then the phone rang.

“Mrs. Michael,” stated the voice on the other end, “this is Mrs. Butters at the nursery school.”

“Oh, hello, Mrs. Butters,” I chirped. “Did the class enjoy those organic oatmeal raisin cookies I sent in the other day for their recess snack?”

“Those were great.” She paused, then continued. “But the reason I’m calling is that you seem to have sent your daughter to school today in her pajamas.” Bam!

And the Answer Is …

So no matter our will and good intentions, we can’t eliminate every source of stress. When I first began my research on how to help others feel better than before on an emotional level, what really stuck with me was a conversation that I had with a very spiritual person, a shaman, in fact. I remember asking her the true meaning of life. She said she would consult the Guides and get back to me. Finally, she called.

As I anxiously awaited her response, she replied, “Well, here it is.” She paused. “Stuff happens (okay, stuff was not the exact word she used). Move on!”

“Seriously? That’s the answer to the meaning of life?” I asked incredulously.

“Yes,” she insisted. “Don’t dwell!”

Of course, that is far easier said than done. Ignoring the negative mental chatter that can bedevil us is tough. Setting positive goals is self-affirming, but it’s how you handle the all-too-likely failure to accomplish them fully (or at all) that is the key.

The Journey

It’s important to remember that it’s the journey, not the final resting point, that matters in self-improvement—finding satisfaction in the tiny victories and incremental improvements along the way. That, in turn, will allow you to live in and enjoy the moment. Too often, we spend so much time worrying about the future that we don’t appreciate what we accomplished that day, or even that minute. By never giving yourself credit for what you have achieved on a day-to-day basis, everything just jumbles together into one big “to-do” list. Life becomes the trip from hell instead of an enjoyable voyage. In the words of Ernest Hemingway: “It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters in the end.”

That is perhaps the real meaning of my shaman’s cryptic message, “Never give up.” All the genius in the world won’t do any good without guts, tenacity, and passion. Estée Lauder once told me that when she was first starting out, if cosmetic buyers said no, she would wait outside their offices all day until they changed their minds. Vincent van Gogh sold only one painting during his lifetime; Elvis Presley got a C in music class; Winston Churchill at one point lost three elections in a row; Henry Ford’s car manufacturing company went bankrupt—twice—before becoming the Ford Motor Company; Sigmund Freud was booed from the stage when he first presented his revolutionary ideas; and Albert Einstein was expelled from school for being a disruptive student. What would the world be like if any one of them simply gave up and didn’t forge ahead?

“There is no single magic bullet for turning your life and your health around. It requires focusing on all areas of your life. Each component has a powerful effect on the whole system. And it goes beyond a health-promoting diet and lifestyle. It also requires being a guardian of your attitude and self-talk in order to program yourself to be more positive, adaptable, and committed to life. I do believe that there is a purpose to our lives, and taking care of our body, mind, and spirit is critical in achieving that purpose. So we need to be very good to ourselves and those around us.”

—Dr. Michael T. Murray

How to Begin

As with all our rungs, we must start with general principles and then work down through specific ideas, techniques, and therapies. For overall emotional well-being guidance, my favorite stress adviser is personal empowerment expert and author of the best-selling The Synthesis Effect: Your Direct Path to Personal Power and Transformation, Dr. John McGrail.

“Emotional well-being is the central desire (and the right) of every human being, first and foremost, to feel safe, loved, validated, and in control of his/her life,” he asserts. “Ironically we are all born that way, in perfect love and energetic harmony, and filled with perfectly formed and vastly abundant self-esteem and emotional well-being. Then life happens and we, at least most of us in modern Western society, get it beaten out of us, at least figuratively.”

Here, per Dr. McGrail, are some common steps anyone can take to reclaim that wonderful childhood state of mind:

1. First, you must acknowledge that you are naturally resistant to change, even when you want it and know it will be a good thing. It is literally in our DNA to cling to the familiar, a condition called homeostasis, from the Latin words meaning the “same state.” It is homeostasis, the emotional equivalent of inertia in the physical world, that holds us back and keeps us stuck.

2. Accept that you are going to feel somewhat uncomfortable during the process of changing your life and consciously decide to allow yourself to feel that way. It won’t kill you, and once you cross that emotional bridge, half the battle is over and you are in the process of learning what you need to know to be the new you.

3. Accept that all change—in fact, life itself—is always a process. Modern technology-driven society is becoming too used to expecting instant results and gratification; when you accept the concept of process, it can help you hasten the happy results.

4. Commit to being “at cause” with your life—most of us live in a state of being “at effect,” that is, feeling as if life is happening to us and we are the victims of circumstances beyond our control. Being “at cause” is a fundamental shift in that thinking. It goes something like this: It is no one else’s job to make me happy or safe or loved or confident or financially solvent or healthy, or anything. It is my job alone. Thus, my results will depend on my choices, what I do, think, say, and feel.

5. Choosing to live “at cause” also leads us to another huge requirement—it must come from within. Most of us think that if we just get the stuff we want—our money, career, love and relationships, whatever we think is missing—that all will be well. But it is only when we rediscover our internal balance that we can begin to enjoy what we have.

6. In order to establish true emotional well-being, we must balance and integrate all our energy streams—physical, emotional, and spiritual. And we must acknowledge that we are indeed spiritual beings, something much easier to do with all the new science that is providing the empirical evidence we Westerners require. As such, we are seeing major changes in virtually all our health and wellness disciplines.

7. Finally, to really feel emotionally sound and whole, pay as much attention as possible to making choices that serve the greater good, to be of service to others. It can be as simple as validating other people on a regular basis—say thank you to anyone who provides you with a service. Say hello and smile at someone you pass on the street. As you watch him/her light up just from being acknowledged and validated, you will too.

The Specifics

We have now started on our journey—more aptly, our climb up the Ladder—toward being emotionally Better Than Before. Since there is no one solution for all of our slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, let’s take on some of the most common stressors and consider the experts’ best advice for tackling them.

Let Them Be Right

Sometimes, no matter how hard we are actually willing to work, we are often held back from achieving greatness by letting our own personal annoyances get in the way. These can create roadblocks that compromise the goals that we set out to conquer. And one of these self-induced petty dramas is trying to change others.

To get to the bottom of why we are, at times, our own worst enemies, I again sought the advice of Dr. John McGrail. He says that one of the most powerful and effective techniques is what he calls the “Art of Allowance.” This is a very simple strategy that allows other people to be whom and what they are.

Dr. McGrail says that when we allow others to be themselves without trying to change them, we don’t have to feel any negative energy. They then cease to have any effect on us, and we can go about living our lives the way we want to, and they can do the same. The plus is that we can use that recouped energy for ourselves.

The next step is to simply let others be right, a technique he first learned from Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff … and It’s All Small Stuff, by the late Dr. Richard Carlson. According to Dr. McGrail, Dr. Carlson’s premise was simple: There are many people out there who just have to be right to feel okay about themselves, so why not just let them? You see, when we let them be right—even when we know they are dead wrong—we give them the gift of feeling good about themselves; and this, in turn, makes us feel good about ourselves.

Don’t Panic

I am by nature an anxious person. My beloved husband is exactly the opposite. And whenever I feel particularly on edge, he always reminds me to calm down. “Think of yourself as being a pebble in a stream” is one of his favorite sayings for these occasions. “And just let the turbulent water wash over you.” I swear he should be teaching spiritual healing in an ashram instead of practicing law.

But am I the only Nervous Nellie who thinks she is just one unfortunate incident away from losing it all? Who has unfounded fears that at the first sign of forgetfulness, her loved ones will send her off to a home for the criminally bewildered? I know a host of folk who have chronic anxiety at some level—people who feel repeatedly stressed, overwhelmed, fearful, and even phobic, often accompanied by that awful, unsettled feeling in the pit of your stomach or a tightness in the chest that causes an imminent fear of cardiac arrest in the middle of the crosswalk.

Full-blown anxiety/panic attacks are not uncommon, either, and can sometimes appear to occur for no apparent reason. And therein is the basis for a vicious cycle. The fear of having an anxiety attack in a crowded elevator, or even such a nonthreatening place as, say, the dairy aisle of the supermarket, can actually trigger one. There is no question that chronic anxiety is a horrible condition—and the result is that you feel out of control in one, many, or even every aspect of your life. I know. I’ve been there.

Of course, the first place to start in fighting chronic anxiety is also the most difficult. Since it is almost always both irrational and psychosomatic (a physical condition caused by the mind), most, and usually all, of the fears and phobic reactions associated with it—dread, panic, physical weakness—are completely disproportionate to the actual risk involved, which is often little or none.

Thankfully, a situation irrationally created by the mind can be controlled by reinstating rational thoughts. Sure, we all occasionally entertain irrational thoughts that automatically pop into our heads but that we never act upon; for example, the thought of surreptitiously sticking out your foot and “accidentally” tripping an obnoxious coworker. (Admit it, you’ve also been tempted to do that.) We think of these things, and then we immediately exert cognitive, rational control and don’t act; in other words, our morals and ethics—and natural sense of self-preservation—jump in to restore rationality and control.

The same procedure can be used to combat anxiety—which is, in effect, our irrational fear of losing control of our own lives. Of course, neither I nor anyone else can guarantee that you will be able to completely conquer your anxieties and phobias. Trained professionals like Dr. McGrail help many sufferers and are needed to help many more. But for many of us, anxiety can be overcome on our own, without a lot of medications. It’s your mind, after all. You own it, you control it, and you can learn to drive it where you want it to go. However, if you do need help, do yourself a favor and get it!

Here are Dr. McGrail’s specific recommendations on how to overcome panic attacks and chronic anxiety:

• Stop the Mind—Ask yourself one of these questions, then wait: Where did I come from? What is nothing? What is thought? When you ask yourself a question with no immediate answer, your mind must stop. When it does, you cannot feel any negative feelings. You are once again back in control.

• Squeeze the Trigger and Breathe—Hold the thumb and forefinger of either hand together, gently but firmly. Focus all your attention on your fingers squeezing together; look at them, feel them, and then say to yourself (silently or aloud), Stop! Now begin to breathe, slowly and deeply, focusing on the air entering and leaving your body. You should calm down in a very short time. When you do, release the trigger.

• Slow Down and Focus—That feeling of being overwhelmed is often caused by looking at situations in their entirety. It’s like standing at the bottom of a tall, steep mountain and trying to imagine climbing it all at once. It’s easily overwhelming. But if you just start walking one step at a time and only focus on the next step—with an occasional glance at the whole mountain so you stay oriented—pretty soon you’re at the top looking down. The same can be said for the situations we deal with in life. We can slow down and commit to taking it one step, one choice, one thought at a time.

• Remember TAO—In this case, TAO does not refer to the ancient Chinese philosophy, but instead refers to the notion that There Are Always Options. For example, if you were stuck in traffic and absolutely had to leave the car, you could just get out and walk away. Sure it might cause others to call you names, but if it were necessary—life and death, say—the choice is there. So whenever you feel particularly anxious, just think TAO!

Exercise to Relax

Besides using mental and psychological techniques to help combat anxiety and panic attacks, the time-honored blowing off of steam from a punching bag to a 5K run is still a very valid option! So I turned to Mark McGee, a 6th Degree Black Belt, senior instructor, t’ai chi and Qigong, for a physical exercise to help control emotional challenges.

According to Mark, Qigong is an ancient Chinese exercise that improves emotional well-being as it harmonizes the mind, body, and breath. Since anxiety is a root of many health problems, one of the best antidotes is to breathe deeply from a strong foundation. He recommends the following simple exercise for beginners, a more physical manifestation of Dr. McGrail’s trigger squeezing.

Stand with your feet about shoulder-width apart. Take in a deep breath while raising your shoulders as high as you can comfortably, then let out your breath slowly while lowering your shoulders, hollowing your chest, rounding your back, lowering your chin, bending your knees slightly, and tucking your sacrum. Once you feel that you are close to being out of breath, inhale again and repeat the raising of your shoulders, followed by a slow exhale and full body relax. Use your mind during the exercise to focus on how good you feel as you nourish every cell in your body with the rush of air and natural stretching. And spend a minute afterward enjoying slow, deep breaths before returning to your work or routine.

Don’t Worry, Be Happy … But, It’s a Process

Countering stress, anxiety, and phobias is critical to emotional well-being. But that only gets you halfway there. Being better than before not only means moving out of negative emotions but also into positive ones. So now we turn to how you can be positively happy!

Back to Dr. McGrail who is a big believer in the importance of finding your way to that positive space: “Happiness is a state of mind that you can choose any time you wish, even while you’re in the process of resolving your issues and creating your better life. In fact, it will happen much faster that way.” He says the two key points to that statement are choice and process.

With that in mind, Todd Patkin, who is as happy as The Lawyer is sensible, and the author of Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In, has a great plan for happiness.

Patkin says that society tells us (not very subtly, either) that we need to perform to a certain standard, look a certain way, weigh a certain number, make a certain amount of money, and much more. “Too bad that ‘perfect’ lifestyle is impossible to achieve. Nobody can do it all, all of the time. So when you inevitably take on too much and allow one of the plates you’re juggling to drop, you end up disappointed, tired, and miserable.”

According to Patkin, if you really want to experience true happiness and fulfillment, stop setting yourself up for disappointment by having unrealistic and unsustainable expectations. For the sake of happiness, here are his suggestions:

• Give Up on Relationships—The ones that aren’t working, that is. You need to be around other people who share your commitment to happiness.

• Stop Being So Darn Nice—And start being real. Dishonest politeness doesn’t develop authentic relationships. Having a smaller number of true friends is healthier than denying your own happiness in order to make everyone else like you.

• Stop Working So Hard—Everyone has physical and mental limits. And achievement doesn’t equal happiness. Overloading on work will cause your relationships, mind-set, and even health to suffer. Really think about what a healthy balance looks like.

• Lower the Bar—You probably expect too much from yourself. Consciously lower your expectations to more realistic standards, celebrate your many successes, and stop beating yourself up.

• Ignore the Joneses—Keeping up with the Joneses seems to be the American way of life. But you need to understand the fundamental truth that “happy” for you won’t look the same as it does for anyone else—and that’s okay! Focus primarily on your own feelings and fulfillment.

• Don’t Focus on Your Spouse—To the point where you forget to take responsibility for yourself, that is! Putting yourself second all of the time can breed frustration and resentment. Remember that when you do things that make you happy, it’s good for your husband or wife, too.

• Stop Giving So Much—If you don’t, you’ll eventually run dry! Figure out what is important to you and what fulfills you.

• Stop Pushing Your Kids So Hard—Too much pressure to perform can cause children of any age to burn out and make self-destructive decisions. Your kids will be much happier, healthier, more creative, and more motivated throughout their lives if you prioritize balance and love them for who they are.

• Forget Quality Time with Your Kids—And start focusing on quantity! Life is found in the everyday moments, not in the big blowout trips. Doing “normal” things with your kids on a regular basis will mean more to them—and to you—long-term than the occasional extraordinary event.

• Cancel Your Gym Membership—The key to instilling any habit in your life is to make it doable. So if exercise isn’t already a regular part of your life, start small. Take a 20-minute walk every other day around your neighborhood—that’s it! You can work up from there if you want to. And remember that exercise isn’t just about losing weight; it’s a natural antidepressant that will improve your sleep and make you feel more relaxed, stronger, and more capable of handling life’s challenges.

• Stop Obsessing About Your Health—Just eat right, go to the doctor, and fit in as much exercise and relaxation as you can. If you don’t, all the worry and stress will be what ends up killing you!

• Trash Your Goals—Except for this one—Be happier! When you prioritize your own happiness and well-being, you’ll be truly amazed by how smoothly everything else falls into place!

It’s 4 AM, you can’t sleep, and you’re obsessing over work, money, relationships, or your endless “to-do” list. Judith Orloff, M.D., a board-certified psychiatrist and assistant professor of psychiatry at UCLA and author of The Ecstasy of Surrender: 12 Surprising Ways Letting Go Can Empower Your Life, often gets that complaint from patients. In response, she offers some recommendations for alleviating common forms of stress:

• In a recent survey by the American Psychological Association (APA), money (71 percent), work (69 percent), and the economy (59 percent) were the most commonly reported sources of stress. To let go of this so-called “success stress,” stop comparing yourself with others and focus instead on what you’re grateful for. If you find yourself envying someone’s success, ask yourself what you admire and can learn from them. Finally, wish them well. These simple strategies will help you change the way you think of success and will free you up to change some of your behaviors around money and work.

• Nearly half (46 percent) of adults in the survey said that within the last month they had lost patience with or yelled at their spouse, partner, or children when stressed. You can let go of relationship stress by staying calm, no matter what buttons your loved one has pushed. Avoid reacting or getting defensive. Let the other person completely finish talking, and then pause before you respond. Instead of trying to change someone’s mind, accept where he or she is coming from and try to be compassionate. When we stop trying to control relationships, they become less stressful.

• In the APA survey, 30 percent of adults reported that stress had a strong or very strong impact on their physical health. Stress makes us tense, obsessive, and burned out by the hormones adrenaline and cortisol. Consequently, we become malnourished or overweight. We don’t exercise, and the quality of our sleep suffers. One of the best ways to let go of physical stress is to let your body do what it was designed to do—move. Practice some kind of movement you like at least a few times a week, whether it’s going to the gym, walking your dog, or doing yoga stretches. The goal of movement is to get out of your head and surrender to the body’s natural energy.

For Cancer Survivors

As I was developing the Better Than Before program, many cancer survivors shared with me their psychological social stigmas. Some rejected any kind of personal interaction, or they seemed comfortable only when alone or around others who were willing to listen to their incessant talk about the horrors they have been through. Others had the opposite social struggles. They confessed that they wanted to strangle the next person who looked at them with either pity or what they termed “airplane” eyes, which always seemed to land directly on that spot. A few felt their friends purposely avoided them because they were afraid they might “catch it,” even though it’s not contagious. Most had difficulty dealing with the irritatingly positive people who constantly commented, “You can do it” or “You’ll be just fine,” without knowing a thing about what they went through. The most tactless ones, undoubtedly innocent in their intent, told them about all the people they knew who had the same type of cancer and how long they survived after being diagnosed.

After talking with many cancer survivors and patients, and many of their oncologists and therapists, I always try to pass on the following advice:

• Deal with Your Demons—Know that CDs—or cancer demons—those evil little voices that play over and over again in your mind telling you that you will most surely have a recurrence will never completely go away. Therefore you must learn to tame them. Accept that they are there, recognize that their mission is to make you miserable, marginalize them, and then converse with them.

• Let It Be—There is no way to control what other people say to you, but you can control how their statements affect you.

• Don’t Immerse Yourself in Guilt—For example, “Did I cause my own cancer because of my negative personality? Or what did I—or didn’t I—do in my life?” There is absolutely no research that says thinking negatively has anything to do with getting cancer. Or that you—or anybody else in your life—caused you to get it, either.

• Let the Guilt Go Even More—Don’t feel bad if you’re not positive 24 hours a day. Nobody can be. That’s just putting too much pressure on you.

• Get a Handle on It—Dr. R. Duncan Wallace, psychiatrist and psychotherapist and author of The Book of Psychological Truths, says that “the cause of mental pressure is thinking illogically about the future in absolutes, such as ‘I must have a good result,’ or ‘I can’t let the illness get me’—trying to force future certainty. Instead, replace that with, ‘I’ll take whatever happens in the best way.’” This recognizes the true uncertainty about any outcome and immediately takes the pressure off your mind.

• Create a Clear Picture—Picture a healthy you in that vision. Be as detailed as possible, using all five senses—see it, smell it, taste it, touch it, hear it, and, finally, add a large measure of positive emotion.

• Be in the Know—Be aware that your thoughts have the power to create reality. In other words, how you think controls how you feel. Try to reframe your life by not letting your cancer define it. It is not who you are. Whenever you start to feel anxious, see yourself as strong, healthy, and vibrant, with the inner strength to overcome anything.

• Use Visualization—Our Ladder is all about using visualization on your climb. For survivors in particular, picture your body healing with great ease. Use your imagination to come up with what feels like the most pleasant image of healing—a golden light, a baby’s hand, cleansing ocean waves—and smile as you actually feel yourself healing and remaining healthy.

Wrapping It Up

We’ve covered a lot of tips and techniques for improving emotional well-being. Remember not to take on too much all at once. Consistent, steady improvements are what count. In wrapping up, the following is my personal advice for emotional well-being, culled from years of working with patients, therapists, other experts, and, of course, some trial and error. Just pick the ones that are easiest for you to follow.

• Clear Your Mind—To clear and calm your mind of any anxieties, it is helpful to focus on your breath. For this exercise, you are going to breathe in to the count of six, then hold your breath full to the same count, breathe out to the count of six again, and then hold your breath empty to the same count. This goes in four sections: In, hold, out, hold. As you begin, you will find yourself counting a little too quickly, and then gradually, you will slow down your count and deepen your breathing. Doing this for just five minutes a few times a day will make a big difference in your ability to remain calm and steady. If you would rather talk than count, you can also say—I am going to be Better Than Before.

• Be in the Moment—This exercise involves mindfulness, the Eastern philosophical and spiritual practice that involves centering on the moment. Find a quiet place in your house. This time, imagine what makes you feel the most calm and relaxed. For example, visualize yourself lying by the ocean and listening to the waves or watching a magnificent sunset.

• Beautify Your Surroundings—Surround yourself with what you love and what gives you a warm feeling, whether it is family, friends, pets, or even keepsakes.

• Get Over It—Studies show that anger and bitterness put the body into a stressful state. Learn to have a loving and forgiving spirit. Feeling Better Than Before means learning to relax and enjoy life.

• Laugh It Off—Laughter heals. Laugh often, even until your sides ache. It is difficult to laugh and be depressed at the same time.

• Take a Short Nap—No more than an hour, once a day. Make sure you get at least seven hours of sleep a night.

• Cut Down All Your Activity—An hour before you go to sleep. That includes Internet, exercise, and TV. (If you have a favorite late-night program, tape it.) And dim the lights. Research suggests that this mimics sunset, and your brain responds by releasing melatonin, the hormone that brings about sleep.

• Get Focused—Prepare for the next day a “focused visualization” by writing a paragraph in as much detail as possible on how to feel Better Than Before. Reading this aloud and planting the vision in your mind before bedtime allows your subconscious to work on your goals and dreams all night.

• Write It Down—If you still can’t fall asleep after 20 minutes, get up and do something quiet, like reading a book—or work on that paragraph about how you want to feel the next day. Keep a pad by the bed and jot down any thoughts that might have slipped your mind earlier. You must let your body and mind slow down to ease into sleep. If you just lie there thinking about how you’re not sleeping, all of your angsts are sure to pay you a visit.

• Remember the “Horizontal Rule”—No negative inner dialogue when you are horizontal (in bed). This is a time when the right brain (which represents creativity, imagination, intuition) tends to exaggerate the negative. So only focus on positive experiences and memories when horizontal.