Читать книгу Of Things Gone Astray - Janina Matthewson - Страница 27

‘YOUR WHAT’S BEEN STOLEN?’ said the brisk voice on the phone. It was several notes higher in tone than it had been thirty seconds previously. The bored indifference was almost entirely gone.

‘My wall,’ replied Mrs Featherby, patiently and efficiently. ‘The front wall of my house.’

‘Bloody hell, how did that happen?’

‘I don’t know how. I’ve reported it to the police. I’m sure they’ll have some kind of answer shortly.’ Mrs Featherby was not at all convinced that the police were going to come up with any kind of solution, but it would not do to express doubt to the insurance agent. Insurance agents pounce on doubt like rabid terriers. They could probably smell it, the way dogs can smell fear.

‘To be honest, Mrs, I’m not sure about this. I’m not sure about it at all.’

‘My home and contents insurance covers me against theft, does it not?’

‘Well, yeah, sure, but that’s theft of, well, the contents. Not theft of the house.’

‘The house has not been stolen. Only part of it has.’

‘Yeah, I know, but—’

‘If an unruly university student uplifted my mail box or my rose bush or my door knocker, which is an antique in the shape of an elephant, would that be covered?’

‘I suppose—’

‘Well, this is precisely the same situation. Someone has stolen from me; they’ve stolen a part of my house, including, I might add, my front door and, by extension, my rather lovely door knocker.’

The insurance agent changed tack: ‘Yeah, well, we can’t even know for sure that it’s theft, can we? Your wall disappearing. Can’t be that common, wall thieves. And you’re not covered for acts of God, so—’

‘Acts of God?’ said Mrs Featherby, audibly raising her eyebrow. ‘Are you actually suggesting that our Lord and Saviour, in His infinite wisdom, has used His omnipotent power to cause my front wall to dissolve away? Balaam had his donkey, Joan had her magic voices and I have a disappearing house? Is that, in your mind, the most logical explanation?’

‘Look, there’s no need—’

‘Perhaps you would be so good as to allow me to put in a claim, and if in the processing of that claim it is decided that the theft of my wall was, in fact, not theft but the divine intervention of the Almighty, you can take the moral high ground.’

There was a brief silence.

‘Could you confirm your post code, please?’