Читать книгу Riveted - Jay Crownover - Страница 14

I should have been elated that she’d agreed to go with me, it saved me the hassle of trying to explain why I lied to my family, but all I could feel was all-encompassing relief that the good-looking redheaded man that had answered the door was family and not someone who had had the pleasure of spending the evening in her bed.

I’d wanted to rip his heavily tattooed arms off and beat him within an inch of his life with them when he pulled open the door looking understandably irritated at my early morning visit. He’d seemed far too comfortable in Dixie’s home and there was no stopping the flood of jealously and the flickering flames of rage that raced through my blood when he looked at me like I was the interloper. I’d held myself back because I didn’t want to hurt her and I didn’t want to hurt myself, but seeing someone else in the place that I knew was rightfully mine made all my good intentions burn like acid deep inside my gut. Whenever I tried to do the right thing it somehow managed to go horribly wrong.

Dixie had good timing. She’d put the fires of jealousy out and started a different kind of burn under my skin by doing nothing more than standing there looking rumpled and endlessly cute. Her hair was always kind of wild and unkempt, but straight from bed it looked like it had taken on a life of its own and was looking towards world domination. Her soft brown eyes were even darker than normal when filled with leftover sleepiness and her dusting of freckles stood out even more since she wasn’t wearing any makeup. If she looked that rumpled and messy after a night alone in bed I couldn’t keep my mind off of wondering what she would look like after hours of hungry hands and an eager mouth having their fill of her soft skin and sweet smile. It was a struggle to keep my eyes off the bare expanse of leg peeking out from the bottom of her ridiculous T-shirt because I could tell the other guy had his eyes on me and he didn’t like the way my eyes were on her at all. He was protective … and he should be. None of the thoughts I had while trying not to blatantly check her out would make him very happy.

The relief that she wasn’t hooking up with a guy who wasn’t me was short-lived as I scrambled to get everything needed for the two of us to hit the road together. I wasn’t sure what the weather was going to be like, so that meant I needed to stock up on a little bit of everything to make the long ride down south. It was almost twenty hours, most of it through the plains of Kansas and tips of Missouri and Arkansas. That meant the conditions were going to be varied across the board weather-wise and it was up to me to make sure my passenger had everything she needed to make the ride as comfortable as possible. Now that she’d agreed to ride with me I wanted to make sure there was no reason for her to back out. I’d never been on the Harley for that long of a ride either, but I figured after years of riding around in tanks and other armored vehicles and flying in and out of hot spots in cargo planes that my ass was well beyond up for the job.

Rome actually gave me a helmet he had sitting in his office that was small enough to fit Dixie. He told me it was his soon-to-be wife’s, but she hardly ever used it now that they had two kids under the age of five. The free hours they had to ride together were few and far between and with winter on the horizon he was looking at parking his bike for the next several months anyway. I took the helmet gladly but the conversation that had come before it about why I needed to borrow the headgear in the first place had come begrudgingly.

Rome knew a little about my history. It was impossible to keep from him considering he was my CO for most of my military days. When news came from home, good or bad, it was always filtered through him first. As expected he listened to me lay out my laundry list of sins without saying a word and when I was done all he did was nod, tell me I would be missed around the bar, let me know I would always have a place in Denver and a sympathetic ear if I needed to talk, and agreed with me that it was well past time I got my ass back to Mississippi. Just like I knew he would, he told me that family was everything and if I was the kind of man he knew me to be I would go do right by mine.

It wasn’t until I told him that I was asking Dixie to go with me that his demeanor changed. His dark brows snapped down, the scar that bisected his eyebrow pulled tight, and made him look like a man very capable of making me regret any bad decision I may make where the bubbly redhead was concerned. I’d been to war with Rome Archer, so I knew exactly what he was capable of and I knew things wouldn’t end well for me if I misstepped with someone he considered part of his family.

“You send that girl back here with a broken heart and we’re going to have issues, Church.” Those issues would very likely end up with me in the hospital waiting on broken bones to heal.

“I don’t plan on hearts being involved in any way, shape, or form, boss man. I need a favor and she’s the only one that can do it for me. We’re friends.” We weren’t really but be were something close to that and I knew there was no way Dixie’s affable and eager-to-please personality would let her tell me no. I needed her and she had this way about her that made it known if you were someone she cared about, someone that mattered to her, there was no way she could abide letting you down. She was also a chronic fixer and had an openly bleeding heart, so I was also aware of the fact that when I explained there was a rift that needed mending back home her desire to meddle and tinker with the lives of those she loved would automatically kick in. It worked for me, though I had serious doubts that any of this would work for her.

Rome shook his head at me and a knowing grin played around his mouth. I hated it when he looked at me like he knew something that was bound to knock me on my ass when I figured out whatever it was for myself.

“It’s cute that you think you can actually have a battle plan with it comes to your heart, soldier. You go ahead and let me know how well that works out for you.” He pointed a finger at me and lowered his voice. “You take care of my girl like she’s one of your men out there in the firefight. You watch her six and I guarantee that she’ll watch yours. You mark my word that this is going to be the biggest battle you’ve ever fought and you’ll never have been so happy to lose when you finally surrender.”

I rolled my eyes at him. He had no idea what he was talking about. It would only be a fight if I had something to give up and since I didn’t believe in love, or soul mates, or the kind of forever that shined so brightly out of Dixie’s dark eyes, I wasn’t at risk of losing anything.

After the lecture from Rome and securing the agreement to ride south from Dixie, as well as earning a few deadly glares from her couch surfer, I swung by the closest shop that would have women’s riding gear and picked up everything that Dixie could possibly need for the upcoming ride. The zip-up chaps that the sales guy brought out immediately had my mind diving into the gutter with all kinds of inappropriate thoughts. They were meant to be worn over jeans and zipped all the way up the sides for easy removal but all I could imagine was what they would look like on her tiny frame with nothing else. She had the prettiest pale skin, flawless and cream colored with just a few adorable little freckles across her nose and the tops of her shoulders. The idea of all black leather against all her sweetness was enough to make the fit of my pants a little tighter. The image of Dixie covered in nothing but leather and me wasn’t something that should be playing through my mind if I was going to make the effort to keep things in the friend zone but I couldn’t stop it. I never wanted her friendship, but now that I had it and needed it for my own end I knew I needed to not mess it up by letting my dick make decisions for me.

She wasn’t the type of woman that I was normally attracted to. She was too soft, both in spirit and in life experience. I tended to drift towards the women that were just as jaded and just as world-weary as I was. I’d seen a lot in my lifetime, both at home and in the far-flung places my previous career had sent me, so it was hard to look at life through anything but cynical eyes. When I first met Dixie I was convinced her “I never met a stranger because everyone is a friend” act had to be forced and fake. I couldn’t get my head around the fact that there was someone in the world that hadn’t had their spirit crushed by how truly terrible things could be. I figured she had to be working an angle, that her entire bubbly, sunny disposition was nothing more than a front to work the customers for bigger tips, but as time went on, as days turned into weeks and weeks bled into months without the slightest falter or crack in that brilliantly bright faade I realized Dixie really was that upbeat, unflappable, and positive all the time.

Being the cynic that I was I told myself that the only way she could be that happy, that cheerful day in and day out was because she had lived a life where she didn’t have to witness what a ruthless bitch fate could be. I figured she’d never had to live through loss or fight through all the things that came after. I convinced myself she’d never seen a struggle or had to battle hardships but one night after closing the bar down I’d had a few too many cocktails and let my theory slip to Asa. The other southerner had shut me down before I finished spewing all those bitter accusations.

He’d pointed out that it was much easier to let life beat you down, to put up a shield and hide behind walls when life kicked you around, than it was to keep on smiling. More truth that seriously hurt just like he’d intended it to.

I tended to think that all I had endured during my time serving my country and all the tragedy that had come before it made me invincible, and unbreakable. I’d taken the worst that fucking fate had to throw at me and I was still ticking. I told myself I was stoic and knew that the only things in life I could actually control were myself and my reaction to the things happening around me, but after Asa’s harsh, behind-the-bar truth I wondered if I’d taken my emotional lockdown a step too far and had simply stopped allowing myself to react to or feel anything altogether. Being numb served its purpose when you were in the middle of hostile territory but I was home now and that numbness and coldness weren’t getting me anything other than a lonely bed and an estranged family that I still needed to beg forgiveness from. I wasn’t stoic, I was scared and that made me feel pathetic and weak.

I wasn’t the only member of my family that had been kicked in the heart and stabbed in the guts by tragedy, but I was the only one who’d decided a war zone was an easier place to be than home. I tucked tail and ran. I purposely chased after danger and disaster because I was positive that if I made it a point to put myself in the heart of conflict and peril whoever was in charge up in the great beyond would finally leave the people that I loved alone. It made no logical sense but to an eighteen-year-old kid without many options and with way too much loss in his life, it seemed like a brilliant plan. I was surrounded by death, I might as well go to a place where all of it made sense, where there seemed to be some kind of rhyme and reason to the loss and letdown. As asinine as my thinking might have been it worked … at least it had until Elma Mae took her tumble down the stairs.

As I guided the big chromed-out bike to the curb in front of the brick apartment building I had to admit that it felt a little like I was poking fate with a stick by heading down south. Things weren’t exactly sunshine and roses after I left but no one else had been taken from this Earth too soon while I was overseas. Jules didn’t have to put another woman he loved in the ground and my younger brother didn’t have to weep over the loss of another mother while I was away. Things were good for them, and then they weren’t. It logically couldn’t be tied to my return from the desert but man, it sure felt like someone out there really had it in for me and those that cared the most about me. Six months after my boots hit American soil the woman who was our de facto matriarch, who was our guiding light, and who took care of all the Churchill men when we were unwilling and unable to care for ourselves, had gone down when nothing else in this life had been able to level her. I wouldn’t say I was a superstitious man, but I had to wonder if that was some kind of cosmic reminder of how drastically I managed to fuck things up. I got a little bit of good and I destroyed it effortlessly. It kind of felt like the universe was warning my family of how destructive love could be when I was around. That also didn’t bode well for the perky redhead that was standing on the edge of the curb tapping her booted toe as she talked to another young woman I vaguely recognized from my nights watching over the bar.

The young Hispanic woman was probably the most objectively beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on. Everything about her seemed like it had been handpicked by the keepers of beauty and grace. The long waves of her caramel hair belonged in a frilly shampoo commercial and her skin was perfectly golden and so flawless that she almost looked like she couldn’t be real. She was too skinny and way too fragile for my particular taste. She looked like she was ready to bolt back into the building the second I turned the engine off and leaned the bike to the side on its stand. She had to know there was no way I would hurt her, I’d spent the last several months making sure any female that crossed the threshold of the Bar knew they were coming into a safe space, but her eyes still got big and her hands still fluttered like nervous birds. Some of that gold went white in her face and I could see it was an actual struggle for her to stay where she was next to Dixie’s side as I approached.

Dixie gave me a lopsided smile and handed the leash she was holding over to the other woman. She crouched down in front of the big pit and gave the animal a kiss right in the center of its furry forehead. The dog looked up at her with sad eyes, like it knew she was getting ready to leave it behind, and I felt the beast’s pain. When Dixie got on a plane back to Denver I knew it was going to be the last time I saw her face always smiling, always laughing, always looking at me like I was something more than I was. It hurt. The good things in my life always seemed to.

“So Wheeler is going to be in my apartment for a few days until he figures out what to do with my sister. For now, he’s letting her stay at his house because he doesn’t want to fight. If your boss doesn’t want you to bring Dolly with you during your shift you can just leave her with him. If you need anything just hop next door and Wheeler can help you out.” Dixie rose to her feet and reached out a hand and put it on the younger woman’s shoulder. I watched as she flinched at the touch. It made my back teeth grind together. No one as soft and as dainty as she was should have that reaction from a simple touch. It made me want to injure whoever had made her afraid.

The pretty brunette slipped away from Dixie and laid a hand on the top of the big dog’s head. “Other vet techs bring their pets in all the time. As long as Dolly doesn’t get aggressive with the other animals or the staff it will be fine.” She shifted her feet nervously and darted her tongue out to lick across her bottom lip. She was so pretty it was impossible not to stare at her but I could tell the attention made her even more anxious than she already was so I reached for the bag at Dixie’s feet and turned back towards the bike without a word. “I shouldn’t have to bother … Wheeler.” Her already quiet tone went even softer when she mentioned Dixie’s couch surfer.

Dixie let out a soft sigh and shrugged. “Well, if you do need him he won’t bite. He’s actually one of the best men I’ve ever met in my entire life and my sister is a complete jackass for royally screwing things up with him. Speaking of which, don’t be surprised if a tall blonde shows up creating a racket. I know you hate other people’s drama but Wheeler pulling out of the wedding is going to make Kallie lose her damn mind. Call me if she won’t take the hint or better yet call the cops. Maybe a night in jail will finally force her to grow the hell up.” Dixie sighed and bent to pet the dog one last time. “Thanks again for offering to take Dolly. I’ll shoot you a text when I’m on my way home.”

The soft-spoken woman tucked a piece of that honeyed hair behind her ear and forced a smile. It was obvious she wanted to mean it, she just wasn’t in a place where she could yet. I really wanted to do some physical damage to the person responsible for stomping all over such gorgeous terrain.

Dixie made a move like she was going to try to hug the other woman but thought better of it when the brunette tugged the leash so that Dolly was placed firmly between them. With a strained good-bye and one last reminder to call if she needed anything, my traveling companion finally turned to me with cocoa-colored eyes filled with obvious sadness for her friend.

I tilted my chin in the direction the woman and the dog had taken down the block. “The person responsible for making her so twitchy still in the picture?” Dixie sighed again and took her bag from me.

“No, he’s dead. Took his own life right in front of her after kidnapping her and torturing her for two days.” She stiffened as the words rushed out. “The worst part is I don’t think he was the first person to knock her around, he was simply the one that made her determined to keep everyone at an arm’s length. If you can’t get close enough to touch her then there is no way you’re close enough to hurt her. That’s a lonely way to live.”

It was. I knew that intimately because I was living pretty much exactly the same way. I cleared my throat and gave my head a little shake to get my thoughts out of that particular gutter and back into the one that involved Dixie dressed in leather and wrapped around me pretty much nonstop for the next few days.

“You ever been on a bike before?” She was dressed like she was ready to ride. She had on jeans that were tucked into the tops of black boots that had heavy soles and laced up to right below her knees. She was also wearing a fitted plaid shirt with a white tank peeking out the top under a lightweight denim jacket that had shearling at the collar. Her mass of bright curls was tamed in a poofy ponytail at the back of her head and it made my fingers itch to set them free. I liked her wild and uncontrollable hair. It made her look like a pussycat with a lion’s mane as she gave me attitude and promised me everything I didn’t deserve with nothing more than a look. Keeping her tresses tied as we screamed down the asphalt made sense but I knew without a doubt before the day was over I was releasing them from their little rubber captor. That was absolutely not a friendly thought to have but I had it anyways.

Dixie rolled her dark eyes at me and reached for the helmet that I held out to her. “Of course I’ve been on a bike. Do you think Brite would have hired me back in the day if I couldn’t talk shop with his clientele? The bar used to be one of the biggest baddest biker hangouts in all of Denver. I think that was the first question he asked in the interview. Darcy made him clean the place up when Avett started getting old enough to come hang out in the kitchen with her.” She smirked at me and slapped the borrowed helmet onto the top of her head. I knew the history of the place that Rome now called his but I guess I never really stopped to think about the integral part this little spitfire had played in all of it before now. “Plus, before the accident my dad used to ride, not a Harley, but still. I was on the back of a motorcycle a lot when I was younger.”

She strapped the chin strap in place and hefted the backpack that was loaded down with whatever she had packed for the week over her shoulders. She was so goddamn cute it made everything inside my chest feel too tight and had all those naughty thoughts about what could happen once it was just me and her and the road roaring back to the forefront. It also made my blood heat up and dick twitch in a way she was bound to notice if she bothered to look in that direction.

I cleared my throat and reached for my own helmet as we moved to the bike. “Your dad was in an accident?” That was the thing about separating yourself from the people around you, they didn’t get to know me, but I also missed out on really knowing anything about them. Typically, I thought that distance and indifference were for the best but as I swung a leg over the bike and settled in, waiting for Dixie to climb on behind me, I really started to resent the fact I didn’t know anything beyond the superficial where she was concerned.

The leather creaked as she wiggled into place with her legs clamped around the outside of mine and the soft press of her breasts into my back. Her hands slipped around my waist like she had held on to me a thousand times before when in reality today was the most we had ever touched. I knew why I was compelled to keep my distance. Once her palms flattened onto my abs under the material of my open leather jacket and the soft whoosh of her exhaled breath hit the back of my neck I knew I would never be able to sit on this bike again and not feel her there behind me. She was going to be a memory I couldn’t shake.

“Yeah.” She breathed deep and low, her chest rising and falling where it pressed into me. I had to bite back a groan as her fingers curled into my tense stomach muscles. “The summer right before I started high school he got into an accident on his motorcycle. A truck changed lanes and didn’t see him. He was thrown over a hundred yards and had to be airlifted to Denver General. He was fortunate he had his helmet on or else he wouldn’t have made it.”

I could feel a tremor move throughout her tiny frame as she recounted the story. I turned to look at her over my shoulder and noticed the corners of her mouth pulled into a frown. “He’s lucky, then.”

She lifted a shoulder and let if fall. “He survived, but he’s been in a wheelchair ever since. So yes, he’s lucky, we all were because he’s a great dad, he was before and he continued to be after the accident, but our family was changed forever.”

We stared at each other for a long, silent moment. Sometimes it felt like it was easier to communicate with her through a look than it was through words. It wasn’t lost on me that she had survived something horrifying and life changing at the hands of the very machine she was currently propped up on. The amount of trust and faith she had to have in me in order for her to agree to ride for days on the back of something that had almost taken a parent from her was humbling and terrifying. I hadn’t done anything to earn that kind of conviction from her but now that I knew I had it I was going to do everything in my power to live up to it.

“I’m not going to let anything happen to you on this trip, Dixie. I promise that you will be safe with me.” I meant it. I would keep her safe from everything, including me and the way it was impossible to ignore the heat of her pressed against the plane of my back.

“I wouldn’t have agreed to go with you if I didn’t believe that you would take care of both of us, Church.” Her voice was quiet but I heard the truth in her words loud and clear.

I cranked the key in the ignition and let the growl of the V-twin motor drown out the sound of the taunting voice in the back of my head chanting the word “friend” over and over again. I might have to tattoo the damn reminder on my forehead before we crossed the state line.

She was cute. She was curvy. She was sweet and sunny … What she wasn’t was a chick I could take to bed and walk away from no harm no foul, and I needed to keep that in mind even as she flipped me a nervous grin in one of the mirrors that jutted off the handlebars. Everything about Dixie Carmichael screamed forever, and I knew probably better than anyone on this planet that forever wasn’t something that was real, no matter how good you had it. Forever was an illusion that soft hearts and warm brown eyes built dreams around. It wasn’t something a man that knew how quickly everything could be ripped away and shredded to pieces put much stock in.

It also surprised me that Dixie had been through something that very easily could have crippled someone else and she was still nothing but sunshine and roses. I on the other hand took life’s unexpected misfortunes and let them mold me into a man I could hardly stand to face most days.

I wanted her because she was Dixie and there was something about her that shed light on all the dark places I’d been living in for so long, but I knew with every fiber of my being I didn’t deserve her and that if I wanted what was best for her I wouldn’t let either of us believe for a single second that I could keep her.