Читать книгу Our Collective Life - JD Kennedy - Страница 14

Jo wasn’t really even aware that she had lost over a day in time. All she realised was she wasn’t in the same place she was (what felt like to her) a moment ago.

She knew she should get up and do something, but she was so tired, and she felt like her whole body ached with the effort to simply keep going. Despite the overwhelming feeling of wanting to die, she kept fighting to live, yet she didn’t know why she did. Why did she fight so hard? Her life was meaningless and she had nothing going for her. And the truth of it was it was all her own fault.

Why was she so worthless? Why couldn’t she get it together?

‘I have fought this for so long and I’m too tired to keep doing it. I have had enough,’ she thought. This was not the first time she had thought this and if she was honest, she had made many plans over the years. Yet for some reason she could never follow through with it. Why was that?

Almost operating on memory, Jo went to the bathroom. She knew she had the means to do it. Even though she never remembered buying things, she knew the pills were in the bathroom. They were her safety net, her ‘In an emergency, break glass’ reassurance.

Just do it! That feeling that always followed once she made the ultimate decision washed over her and she felt strangely calm and relieved. She ran the bath and made it as hot as she could stand so she could be in the water when the pills took effect and then she could hopefully slip under the water. While it filled, she pulled out the boxes and bottles of pills. She grabbed a large glass of water and started to pop the pills out of their sheets…

** ** **

“Can you tell me what happened?” The doctor said, in his ever gentle manner.

Jo’s eyes flew open and found she was in David’s office once more. What? What happened? Why was she here?

Jo automatically hunched over in her usual foetal position, her hair falling over her face and she felt the tears start to prick at her eyes at the feeling of being so helpless. She couldn’t even get that right. She couldn’t even end her miserable life. After months of back and forth, of trying to cling onto some morsel of hope to get through every single day, she had felt she was making the right decision and was truly ok with dying. She was ready to be at peace finally, she really was. Now she is here, at the doctors? Good God, what was happening to her? Why couldn’t she even make the decision to take her own life? Why was she so useless she couldn’t even get that right?

Don’t tell, don’t tell.That voice again, that male voice. It was in her head, she knew it, but it sounded so real she couldn’t help being startled when she heard it.

“Jo?” The doctor interrupted her thoughts, gently bringing her back to the moment.

“What happened?” Jo managed to ask.

“The others told me what happened, but I would like to hear it from you.”

“Others?” Jo managed to say.

“Yes, the other members of the Collective.”

She shook her head. “They’re not real, I made them all up,” she tried to say. Why did it seem to take all her strength to speak?

David was familiar with this denial dance they performed whenever Jo was with him. “They are real Jo, I speak to them three times a week. I know you find it hard to believe they exist, and I wish I had more time to be gentle with you. But I realise the chances are you won’t be here for long, so I need you to listen to me before you go and another member is here. Can you do that? Can you try and stay with me for a couple of minutes?”

Jo nodded mutely, when in reality, she didn’t know if she would be here for a couple of minutes or not. These things seemed to be beyond her control.

“The Collective told me what happened, that you were going to overdose. They also said that they didn’t realise what you were planning and that you were closer to succeeding than you had been for a long time. Obviously the Collective managed to step in and stop it happening, but you have us all concerned how you managed to get that far.”

David paused, studying her, before continuing “Jo, we have to work on this. You are obviously in a lot of pain at the moment, but I don’t want you to end up back in the hospital. We know from experience hospital is not beneficial to the Collective.”

Don’t tell, don’t tell.

He stopped for a moment, realising she was starting to fade. Her face became slack and she had a blank look on her face. Some may think she was merely very deep in thought, but David knew better. “Jo, stay with me, please.”

Jo struggled to try and remain with him, to stay in the present, although she didn’t really know what she needed to do to make sure that happened. David continued talking, realising she was probably not going to be out here for much longer.

“I don’t see you very often, and when I do, we don’t seem to have the time to get any real work done. I realise this isn’t something that you have much control over, but I need to ask you, if we can find a way to make it happen, would you be willing to spend more time here, so I can try and help you?”

Don’t tell, don’t tell.

Jo couldn’t help it, she felt the tears that had been pricking at her eyes start to come. Silently, they fell down onto her lap. She had been feeling physical pain since she arrived out here which she didn’t understand, but now she was hit with the emotional pain as well, which in some ways, was worse. It was such a wretched feeling and one that felt like it would never end. As both pains intensified, she suddenly felt like she was being sucked into a hole.

She could hear the doctors voice, but it seemed like he was getting more distant and she couldn’t make out what he was saying anymore. She wanted to say to him that she had made all of this up, that she was sorry for wasting his time for all these months. That her mother was right and she should stop seeing him. She needed to make him understand, but she couldn’t speak.

As much as she tried to stay to listen to the doctor, she could not stop herself from being drawn backwards.