Читать книгу Coaching with Heart - Jerry Lynch - Страница 9

PART ONE

WISDOM TO INSPIRE

LEARNING EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

The late great national championship coach Jim Valvano once said that “most people work by going to an office, I’ve been blessed…I get to coach.” Having coached in some capacity for the past 34 years, I also feel blessed. If you are a coach, manager, mentor, parent, or leader in any arena of life—or aspire to become one—you are very fortunate and blessed as well. Coaching, I believe, is not a job; it is a most important calling, a sacred and vital activity where we have been given the fortunate opportunity and privilege to guide and mentor others in a nurturing, selfless, passionate environment, instilling in them the profound sense that they can be something other than ordinary. This calling may very well be one of the most compelling, significant, and honorable paths one could travel in a lifetime, the opportunity to cultivate and develop in others deep spiritual qualities of inspiration, excitement, fortitude, enthusiasm, loyalty, balance, courage, and self-reliance. Wow…can you imagine this? With such characteristics, those we coach experience authentic growth and development on the physical, emotional, and spiritual plane. This is not only possible but inevitable for anyone under the leadership of one who coaches with heart. In order to coach with heart we must nurture and develop in ourselves the same traits that we wish to instill in those we coach and lead. Traditionally, the work of a coach has been steeped in the left hemisphere of the brain, giving little or no attention to these heart-based attributes of their work and performance. I notice that good coaches are looking for ways to get help to coach with heart. They understand that without heart, a tone is set with a team, an organization, a family or individual that is often unloving, uncaring, and spiritless in a “results-driven” culture. Compare this to the cultures under the guidance of highly successful leaders and coaches such as a Dean Smith or a John Wooden and you will see that these brilliant leaders have much love in their coaching, not of the romantic nature but love demonstrated by deep caring, warmth, positive regard, respect, and compassion, all essential absolutes for coaching and leading with heart.

The good news is that these essential absolutes, this skill-set of interpersonal tools, is not innate and can be taught and learned with practice. According to the science of neuro-plasticity, this skill-set is trainable; you can intentionally change how your brain functions to more positive, caring, and cooperative ways. This is what we will attempt to accomplish together in this book. These learned skills are often referred to as Emotional Intelligence (EI). All extraordinary coaches possess EI. In his bestselling book, Search Inside Yourself, Chade-Meng Tan talks extensively about EI as the essential ingredient that makes good leaders into great leaders. He points out that 80% of effective leadership qualities are made up from emotional intelligence and continues to emphasize that the most single, significant factor that differentiates top level leaders from the bottom is their handle on the interpersonal skill piece. It was what I experienced with Coach Dean Smith during my visit. EI makes all of us better, more effective leaders enabling each of us to make a difference with so many in our lives.

IN THE SPIRIT OF COACHING

Perhaps the two most important questions on this quest (quest-ions) that must be asked by all of us before we continue along this path are: First, why do you do what you do? This relates to the motivation underlying your work. Second, what is your purpose and intention? The answers to each of these deeply spiritual queries will serve as beacons or lighthouses on the horizon that will keep you on target. These questions require you to dig down deep inside and search for a higher purpose, one that ultimately relates to the spirituality of coaching.

My approach and assumption is that coaching is a human endeavor, one of creating healthy, enthusiastic, passionate athletes and teams. Athletes and coaches are spiritual in nature, have bodies, minds, hearts, and aspirations. We are all spiritual beings having an athletic experience, as opposed to athletes and coaches having a spiritual experience. The more I include the whole person in my coaching, the more effective, satisfied, and successful I am. Spirituality plays a significant role in my coaching effectiveness as I continue to help others transform their view of sports and its role in the full development of all who participate. It is this spirituality of coaching that enables me to inspire and empower those whom I lead. Oren Lyons, leader, caretaker, and faith keeper of the Native American Tradition and a member of the Onondaga Council of Chiefs, claims that you can’t have effective leadership without spirituality. In the absence of spirituality, you have a one-dimensional approach which is called the absence of heart.

Highly effective coaches are dual-dimensional in their leadership. First, they incorporate the necessary Xs and Os, details, strategic planning, technical information, and other essential cognitive absolutes that cover the physical aspects of their sport. Then, dancing between these essentials (see introduction for more on this) is the inspiration, the empowerment, the caring, respect, positive regard, and most importantly, trust and compassion, all those affective spiritual elements of the heart. These coaches are leaders who, through strong relationships, manage to guide their athletes to “go the distance” and realize their full potential in sport. It is no different than guiding your children as a good parent. The ancient Taoist sage, Sun-Tzu, author of the classic book, The Art of War, reminds us how to get the most from others by leading with heart:

“Regard your soldiers as your children, and they may

follow wherever you lead. Look upon them as your

beloved sons and they will stand by you until death.”

His message of the heart to all generals, heads of state, and other leaders is as relevant in today’s world of coaching as it was when he wrote this classic over two thousand years ago. Of the two dimensions it is this spiritual heart-related dimension that this book addresses. I aim to demonstrate ways that we can be better able to make the connection and dance between both dimensions and begin to be more open, trusting, vulnerable, confident, and aware that we are part of a larger game, greater than the one we coach. With the spirituality of coaching as a guiding light for our leadership, athletics becomes a conduit for inner growth, change, and expansion for those we coach, helping them to experience something other than the ordinary. This is when we all live, play, coach, and compete in alignment with our hearts, the place where we do our very best to be the best we can be. It is a sacred space of greater meaning, higher performance, and value to all of our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs and all that we aspire to be.

WU SHI LEADERSHIP

Ancient Chinese Taoist warriors were not interested in war, violence, and fighting to overcome others. They were heroic in nature, a culture of enlightened and awakened warriors possessing heart-felt traits and virtues. According to these great spirits, the power of these virtues was greater than the power of arms, the power one exerts over another in an authoritative way. Such evolved, cultivated, and civilized leaders were considered brave, compassionate, courageous athletes of iron will and indomitable spirit. They engaged in battles against fear, frustration, failure, and self-doubt while fighting for inner peace, strength, honor, majesty, love, gratefulness, trust, and respect. These battles were fought with intangible weapons of the heart such as fearlessness, courage, patience, persistence, integrity, tenacity, and fortitude. All obstacles were perceived as opportunities to learn, grow, and become more aware of possibilities rather than disabilities. In Chinese, this heart-felt spirit is referred to as Wu Shi, the Warrior Spirit. It is a sacred spirit much in alignment with the notion of the spirituality of coaching and sports.

For practical purposes, I will define Wu Shi or the Warrior Spirit as a dance between striving to win, yet not needing to win to be successful. It’s a sacred space, one where you as a coach embrace athletes as partners in a mentoring dance of give and take, learning from each other what needs to be known in order to advance and go the distance in sports and life (see introduction for more). The Warrior Spirit helps you to sacrifice and give to others, inspire them to push past the breaking point, become comfortable with being uncomfortable, know when less is more, soft is strong, accept responsibility, remain accountable, be willing to suffer, lose, be vulnerable, and fail if that’s what it takes to ultimately win the battle before the war begins. The Warrior Spirit, this “dancing heart of coaching” is all about being mindful, self-aware, enthusiastic, passionate, spiritually and emotionally alive, while providing safe environments that help to cultivate peak capacities and potentialities through the use and application of strong warrior heart-based virtues and behaviors.

The Taoist warrior leader relied heavily upon the wisdom of the Tao Te Ching. Let me give you a glimpse of how this all ties in with the spirituality, heart, and the love of coaching.

Basically, there is no need to go to a Taoist temple high in the mountains of China to be such a warrior leader. All you need to be is a good human being. Spiritual warriorship is not about mastering others but about mastering yourself. And there is no path to such mastery: mastery is the path, an everyday practice of being kind, genuine, respectful, aware, vulnerable, balanced, humble, courageous, iron-willed, fearless, and intense yet calm. Traditionally, for such warrior leaders, war was a way of life. For the “new” warrior, life is a war, a battle of the inner struggles over self-doubt, fear, frustration, fatigue, and uncertainty. Armed with weapons of the heart, the warrior sees the bigger picture, thinks outside-the-box, trusts intuition, learns from failure, has pure intentions, acts with integrity, has passion, and love, and takes the higher road to do the right thing.

Very simply, as I state in the introduction to this book, with an increase of love, compassion, and spirituality in our coaching, athletes become happy, trust and respect deepen, and results and outcomes are significantly enhanced. When we develop Wu Shi (Warrior Spirit) relationships, those we lead are happy and work longer and stronger; when they work longer and stronger, results and outcomes usually improve.

The question we might ask is: how can you bring your full, complete, loving, human self to your coaching and use sports as a micro-cosmic classroom for personal, emotional, and spiritual growth for athletes and yourself in the arena of performance and in the bigger game of life? The answer, as we will discover, lies within the give and take dancing heart of Wu Shi leadership.

FIRMNESS YET FAIRNESS

With all the talk about kindness, caring, love, and heart, you may wonder if there’s a place for being tough with your athletes, for raising your voice, for establishing strict boundaries, for using disciplinary measures. Absolutely, you can do all of this. In fact, if you really love your athletes, if you really care for them, to do anything less than this when appropriate would demonstrate a lack of caring. You are being kind when you enforce boundaries and refuse to tolerate a violation of team culture. Dancing heart coaches are very fair yet firm and these two items are not mutually exclusive.

He was one of the most fearless and highly respected chiefs in the New York City Fire Department during his day. People under his command said how brave he was, leading dozens of men, half his age, into the belly of a raging fire. He led by example and guided others to places they needed to be. They listened to him because he was firm yet always fair. I learned my first lessons on leadership from this remarkable leader—he was my Dad.

The I Ching, the ancient Chinese book of change and transformation, validates what my dad intuitively knew to be correct. This Tao classic states that “it is necessary that a leader have firmness with fairness and an encouraging attitude toward others.” Being strict yet impartial helps a leader to be admired, honored, and obeyed.

To be firm, you need to establish certain clear and understood boundaries, what will and will not be tolerated. The boundaries create a sense of security for your athletes. Knowing the parameters of behavior makes for clean, predictable, and familiar circumstances. Yet within these firm boundaries, there needs to be an element of fairness—treating others as they deserve to be treaded, with kindness and respect.

Coach John Wooden, of the UCLA basketball team, where he won 10 national championships, knows that being fair doesn’t mean treating everyone alike. That’s because everyone does not earn the same treatment. In his book Wooden, he explains that fairness is giving to others what they earn. He also points out that being fair at all times is not possible. He encourages making a sincere effort; others will recognize that about you, whether it’s your kids, employees, or athletes. Wooden was respected by his athletes, and they competed and played with heart because he treated them firmly yet fairly.

To be fair in your leadership, you must refrain from making arbitrary decisions. For example, the star athlete is not given less of a punishment for wrongdoing than the athlete who hardly plays. Going outside the team boundaries—curfews, promptness, alcohol tolerance—calls for consistent consequences, regardless of one’s role on the team. This is fair. And remember that with consistency of enforcement, there is order; inconsistent leadership leads to disorder. Along these lines, Sun-Tzu reminds us that if you show favor or indulge others, you are not coaching them well. That is not coaching with heart.

BEING THE FIVE SENSES

My work, at times, has not made sense. I have not made sense, as well. You want to be sure that your coaching style makes sense. Here are my Big 5, the five senses that make sense in order to be a sensible leader and coach…and sensitive as well.

1. A Sense of Humor. Hold yourself lightly. If you take yourself too seriously, you are in deep trouble. Your calling is serious business but not you. You are a silly, sometimes crazy, yet a great human and by definition you screw up, you fail, your athletes and followers fail, the Dali Lama fails…we are all human and this is how it is. You are not your title, your position, your degrees, your possessions, or your status. At your core, you are simply a human being, and it would be a good act of compassion to accept yourself as such. I like to think about the leaders in the comedy series and movie, M.A.S.H. Who do you like and dislike? And why? Guess what? Those who had humor and didn’t take themselves seriously were highly effective. You decide, but the role of humor in leadership and coaching is imperative for the “safe environment” we all wish to create. What you do is meaningful but that doesn’t mean you must take it so seriously all the time.

2. A Sense of Generosity. Think of coaching and leadership as a “giving process” not a “getting process.” Look for ways to give, serve, and help. When a follower fails or does something wrong, give guidance, hope, caring, direction, forgiveness, and tolerance and watch them get quickly back on track. Be generous with love, respect, and trust. Care! You are a servant. More on service later.

3. A Sense of Possibility. Ask your followers to dream things that never were and ask, Why not? Promote courage to take risks and not worry about outcomes. The process of risk taking empowers them to keep going in the face of setback knowing that we all learn and improve in that way. No Risk, No Gain is my mantra.

4. A Sense of Gratitude. Help others to embrace what they have been given…healthy bodies, minds, hearts, opportunities, work, life. Have them understand that all successful people seem to have a deep sense of appreciation and their work and performance becomes a huge reflection of that gratitude. I will go into greater detail with this as the book progresses.

5. A Sense of Humility. Remember that we are all interconnected to something greater than self. I am quick to remind my seminarians and athletes whom I lead and coach that all of who I am and what I do is not my doing. Without others in my life—including those I lead and coach—I could not do what I do and would not be who I am.

I am honored and privileged to be asked by others to work with them.

They teach me all that I need to know so I can, in turn, teach them. It is a give and take and I humbly recognize and embrace that. It is the Wu Shi dance I wrote about earlier in this part of the book.

As I read over this Big 5, I realize that without these, I cannot do my work. My work is being these and from that place, my influence spreads…so will yours. When I disconnect from any one of these, I notice that I struggle in all of my life. I encourage you to practice these five in addition to all else that makes you shine.

WHEN STUDENT IS READY,

TEACHER APPEARS

Do you ever wonder why you can’t seem to motivate your athletes? How often do we as coaches and leaders become frustrated, upset, annoyed, perturbed, confused, puzzled, disgusted, perplexed, or completely baffled by our seeming inability to motivate and perform our task of coaching others? I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have seen this happen. For example, I was talking with a coach recently who was concerned about three of his very talented athletes who were not listening and following his program. He was completely frustrated that he could not motivate these kids to raise their level of commitment to “go the distance” and realize their full potential. He was taking it very personally and was beginning to see himself as a failure. Truth is, bus drivers cannot transport others unless they get on the bus. (Have you noticed how often busses have the name “coach” written on the side? There is a reason for this). So it is as a leader and coach. The person must get on board with you (the bus) and be ready to travel to places they never dreamed possible. In Chinese there is a compelling expression that addresses this point: “When the student is ready, the teacher appears.” Yes, and the teacher is usually there but without being ready, those followers are not aware of his or her presence.

Over the past 34 years of marinating my nervous system in the juices of leadership and coaching, what I notice is that no one can motivate others to move forward. You can inspire and empower them but they must want to move forward and when they do, the motivation comes from within. Change and growth is an extraordinary inner process and the work of a dancing heart leader is to be patient, persevere, and persist on nurturing and supporting, guiding and directing others in an environment that is emotionally safe from failure and taking risks. Your work as leader and coach is to add fuel to an already burning pilot light within your protégés. When you create a safe environment, you accelerate the process of readiness for others to be led. From this safe, sacred place, they will open their hearts to you and give you permission to enter. When you do, you will be able to do your best work. You will inspire, empower, and influence them to believe in themselves, to believe in you and to believe that they can be and do something other than ordinary.

If those you lead and coach are not moving forward, don’t call 911 and don’t try to motivate them, that is impossible to do. Instead, create a healthy relationship and environment that is emotionally safe (where failure is okay because it is our best teacher), listen to them, offer your help, and become the beacon that lights up the path. If they don’t follow, keep trying, don’t give up, don’t ever give up and do not take it personally. Everyone has a different learning curve. And don’t disregard the notion that following your path, what you think is best for everyone, may not be in their best interests. It’s not about you, you’re not a bad or inept coach. If you discover that they want out, if they want something different, are burned out, simply ask if they want you to release them to follow their hearts and discover what excites and energizes them. In another sense, to do such, to release them on another path is to be a very good coach. They will love you forever. I never witnessed a bus driver get off the bus and pull, shove, or coerce a pedestrian to get on board. But recently a driver asked me at the airport, “Are you getting on?” To which I replied, “No, thank you. I am waiting for someone to pick me up.” Coaching is not much different. Ask those you lead: do you still want me to coach you, to bring you along? If they respond “no,” then you might want to pursue this further. You want your athletes to be happy, to play for all the right reasons. It makes your life happier and easier.

BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE