Читать книгу Barry Loser: I am Not a Loser - Jim Smith - Страница 8

Ever since the whole Vending Machine Mum thing I’d been trying to work out how to get back to being one of the keelest people in school.

I’d had a think for about three-quarters of a minute and used my child geniusness to its full extent and come up with a brilliant and amazing plan. There was only one person that could help me with it and that was Granny Harumpadunk.

Mum’s always saying that Granny has lots of ‘issues’. At first I thought she was saying ‘tissues’ and couldn’t work out what the big problem was.

Then I realised it was ‘issues’, and even though I don’t know what it means I kind of get that Granny is a bit weird.

Ever since Grandad died she’s been funny. If you go near his old chair she gets all angry. Not that you would go near it, because Invisigrandad is sitting there.

Invisigrandad was my idea for making her feel better. It’s his hat and glasses and clothes and stuff all puffed out with newspaper. It’s pretty lifelike, apart from it doesn’t snore and do massive burps.

For someone who misses someone so much she’s still pretty grumpy with him.

‘Oh Wilf, will you please stop doing those invisible blowoffs,’ she said the other day, knitting a trunk warmer for an elephant she’s adopted by post, while me and Bunky were watching Future Ratboy on her really old TV.

‘Shhh, you’re ruining Future Ratboy,’ said Bunky.

‘Ooh sorry, Blinky,’ said Granny. ‘Stop invisiburping, Wilf, you’re ruining Future Ratman for Blinky.’

She’s always getting stuff like that wrong and it took me about twelve hours to explain my genius plan to her, but by the end of Future Ratboy she’d got the idea.

‘Leave it to me, Barry!’ she said and I put my hand up to high five her and she grannykissed it.