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A Griever Shares

“I started out by exploring solo. When sexual feelings began to resurface after some time in my grieving process, at my therapist’s suggestion, I got a new vibrator. I began by exploring my own body and seeing what that felt like. I imagined that I was with my husband again. While it made me very sad on one level, it also made me feel closer to him, as if we were continuing our relationship, only with him being on another plane of existence outside of this physical one.”

“Tingle Time”

A simple way to get back to your solo sex practice (or to start one, if this is new to you) is this easy trick. For quicker, easier, and more satisfying arousal, figure out what time of day you feel most easily aroused sexually. You may not realize that your sexual responsiveness ebbs and flows during the day, and that at certain times you’ll be more physically responsive and your solo sex session will feel more exciting. I call this your “tingle time.” For example, many people feel that quiver of erotic possibility first thing in the morning, or after their daily dose of caffeine, or after exercise or a relaxing shower.

Try tracking your “tingle time” for a few days. Then start scheduling your solo sex time to coincide with that enhanced erotic responsiveness. You’ll find you can arouse yourself and reach orgasm more easily at that time.

Don’t expect that your “tingle time” will happen after a meal, when the blood flow is going to your digestive system instead of to your genitals. The timing of your medications or the challenges of your medical conditions may affect your responsiveness, also. Experiment, and enjoy the exploration.

A Griever Shares

“I learned that you can find anything you can think of to masturbate to on the Internet. I found beautiful women with soft voices, both dominant and sensual, who seemed glad to guide me through masturbation. Phone sex lines helped when I was feeling truly lonely.”

When You’ve Been Taught That Masturbation Is Wrong

Younger readers may find this hard to believe, but many people of my generation were taught that masturbation was wrong. Even today, this belief persists among religions that censure sexual pleasure outside of marriage. I hear from readers all the time who are trying to unravel the influence of their early teachings. My therapist friend, the late David Pittle, PhD, MDiv, said this:

“Most of us over sixty grew up with a pile of bad teaching about masturbation: ‘It will make you go blind;’ ‘It is prohibited by our religion;’ ‘Nice girls don’t.’ Our parents, pastors, priests and imams were wrong. Not only is masturbation not sinful, it is very healthy and contributes to our physical and mental well-being. If you are not masturbating, then you would do well to begin. Spell the word as ‘Loving yourself.’

“In my practice, I find a different perspective on life between those who practice self-love and those who don’t. It is certainly not an ‘approved’ therapy tool, but when I see someone who exhibits depression, I often ask the question, ‘When was the last time you had an orgasm, either with a partner or solo?’ The answer is almost always a version of ‘It has been a long time.’ ”

How does this relate to grief? Please understand that you are a sexual being. Nurturing this part of you will help you find a release, however temporary, and will help you stay healthier physically and psychologically. You may or may not want a sex partner right now, but this self-nurturing is, if you don’t mind the pun, within arm’s reach.

Some Quotes to Inspire You

Here are some of my favorite quotes about solo sex:

•“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.”

—Lily Tomlin

•“Among all types of sexual activity, masturbation is, however, the one in which the female most frequently reaches orgasm.”

—Alfred Charles Kinsey, Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, 1953

•“We know that more than 70 to 80 percent of women masturbate, and 90 percent of men masturbate, and the rest lie.”

—Joycelyn Elders, former US Surgeon General

•“How to have sex with friends, lovers, wives, husbands all begins and ends with masturbation.”

—Betty Dodson (dubbed “the Mother of Masturbation”), at age eighty-eight

•“If God didn’t want us to masturbate, we wouldn’t have been given these long arms.”

—Dan Savage in a Savage Lovecast episode

•“Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm. I really hope no one misinterprets this quote as being about masturbation.” —Audrey Hepburn

And here’s something to make you smile:

A Griever Shares