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When conversing with Germans in German, or in English for that matter, remember this: Germans hate small talk. They think it’s superficial and phony, and just plain terrible, so don’t do it!

What many people enjoy as an opportunity to engage in idle chitchat, while not saying anything that’s sexist, racist or just plain mean for five minutes, Germans find a complete waste of time.

Here’s one example of this. I was at a party once and tried to flirt with a pretty hot-looking German student named Sonja. I remember thinking as I looked over at her…she’s exactly my type. She’s a woman and has a pulse. I made my move. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I think it had something to do with Britney Spears getting a tattoo, or forgetting to wear her underwear in court. This was big news back then, or at least in my world and I figured I’d try it out on Sonja.

I remember turning to her and asking: “Pretty crazy, right? Britney Spears forgetting to wear her underwear in court.” Sonja looked at me like I was on drugs. This was not a good sign! I provided more information: “When I’m in court I never forget to wear underwear.” Her look didn’t change. I was screwed and I knew it. Without saying a word she got up and just walked away. I remember thinking, “you can forget about a love connection with this one, John.”

Germans hate small talk because unlike Americans, they don’t mind pregnant pauses in the middle of conversations. Americans hate them. If there’s a pause anywhere in a conversation in the U.S. someone will jump in with something meaningless like: “Hey, did you catch the game last night? Or “Can you believe how humid it is outside?” Not the Germans. They’ll just sit there in the humidity with beats of sweat pouring down their faces until someone has something important to say.

And last but not least, here’s why Germans REALLY hate small talk. Because it’s small! That’s right. Because it’s miniscule, tiny, and incredibly insignificant. That’s why. If it were BIG TALK and not small talk, they’d have no problem with it. In fact, they’d be great at it. Probably world champs! They’d begin by quoting literature and the latest from the world of microbiology, transition to something more topical, and wrap things up with a dissertation on Kant or Nietzsche.

You’d have people asking one another in the streets:

“Hey, did you read Nietzsche last night?”

“Sure did. Right after I got finished with Kierkegaard.”

“Kierkegaard? Why Kierkegaard? Why not Kant?”

“Kant? Never. He’s too superficial!”

“You’re right about that one!”