Читать книгу Josephine Cox Sunday Times Bestsellers Collection - Josephine Cox - Страница 50

LATE AUTUMN IN Boston was a time when the magnificent colours of the trees, which had created magic to the eye only a few weeks before, were already drifting away as their leaves fell, heralding the onset of winter. But in spite of all that, it was Mrs Vicky Maitland’s favourite season.

‘I always enjoy our evening walks alongside the water,’ Vicky tucked her arm through her husband, Leonard’s, ‘but autumn is best. The trees may be shedding their leaves, but the beauty never fades.’ She playfully kicked the leaves along under her feet. ‘It’s just different,’ she mused. ‘A quieter, deeper kind of beauty.’

Leonard smiled down on her. ‘You see beauty in everything,’ he said lovingly. ‘But yes, I know what you mean – and you’re right, as always.’

They strolled on for a time, eventually sitting down to rest where the overhanging branches of a giant tree dipped into the water.

For what seemed an age, not a word passed between them. Over the years they had grown so close, they almost knew what the other was thinking. And just now, in that moment, Vicky was thinking of another stretch of water, the Atlantic Ocean, and a journey that she would never forget. It seemed a lifetime ago when she and her children boarded the liner that would carry them away from their homeland forever.

She thought of Barney, and the way their marriage had ended. What he did had broken her heart. It had almost ruined one of their sons, made the other forever bitter, and taken away their daughter Susie’s childhood. Each and every one of them had changed because of what Barney had done, and for that, Vicky could never forgive him.

In the beginning, there was deep shock, and a yearning to punish him for splitting the family asunder. But though she might blame him for the pain he had caused, Vicky could never stop loving him. Barney was her first and last real love. Nothing could ever change that.

Eventually, she forgave him for what he had done to her. But she could never forgive him for what he had done to the children – Susie in particular. She had been made to grow up before her time.

‘A penny for them?’ Leonard’s voice cut across her thoughts.

‘Oh Leonard, I’m sorry,’ Vicky apologised. ‘I was just thinking.’

‘You were miles away.’ Sliding an arm round her shoulders, he drew her to him. ‘You were thinking of Barney again – I can always tell. But it’s all right, my dear. I understand, I really do.’

Vicky felt ashamed. ‘You’re such a good man,’ she muttered. ‘I don’t deserve you.’

‘No, you don’t,’ he agreed, ‘because you deserve the best – and in your eyes that will always be Barney Davidson. I don’t pretend to match up to him, because I never will, nor would I want to. Yes, I know he caused you all such pain. But it’s never the bad things we remember about the person we love. It’s always the good times – the laughter and the joy.’

Pausing to gather his thoughts, he watched the rowboat go past. He saw some children running along the riverbank trying to keep up, and it made him smile. ‘We do the best we can,’ he said. ‘We strive and struggle, yet sometimes it’s not enough. We must never forget, Barney was very special. A strong, determined man, he was totally devoted to you and the children. You can’t dismiss a man like that – and no one would expect you to, least of all me.’

In the deepest recesses of his mind, he recalled the night he had found Barney huddled by the tree trunk, desperately ill and almost out of his mind. That night, he had made a sacred promise to Barney, and for Vicky’s sake he had kept that promise; though with every passing year, the burden of guilt weighed heavier.

Deeply moved by his quiet words, Vicky reached up to kiss him softly on the mouth. ‘You know me so well,’ she chided. ‘I can never keep a secret from you.’

She needed to tell him something now – something she had never said before. ‘What you say is true, Leonard – I do still love Barney, and I will love him to the day I die. But I love you, too. I love being your wife, and I love the way you took me and the children under your wing. You’re kind and thoughtful, and I’m so glad you were there for us.’ She moved closer to him. ‘Have I been a good wife to you, Leonard?’

He squeezed her tenderly. ‘You know you have.’

‘I always knew you had a fancy for me,’ she chuckled. ‘Barney was the first to notice it, and he would tease me mercilessly. It’s strange how things worked out,’ she mused. ‘Do you think some things are meant to be?’

‘In what way, exactly?’

‘You and me … do you think there really is something called Fate, which channels our lives into a particular direction?’

In answer, he took her by the elbows and stood her up. ‘I’m certain there is,’ he replied. ‘I think it was Fate that made me get rid of that monstrous fiancée of mine; it was Fate that made me fall in love with you, and it was Fate that brought us here to this land of America, where I won your heart … not your soul because that belongs to Barney. But we’re here together, safe and secure. And yes, I do believe we have Fate to thank for that.’

Vicky nodded. ‘Or some almighty hand that guides us to our destiny.’

They resumed their stroll in silence.

After a time it was Vicky who spoke. ‘Leonard?’

‘Yes, my darling?’

‘Will Ronnie ever come home to us?’

Leonard nodded his head. ‘I hope so. He’s already made a start by coming to work on the estate.’

‘I really thought he would go to gaol after that last court hearing. Drunk in the road … cursing and fighting with the officers when they tried to arrest him. In some ways, you would think he was seventeen, not a man of nearly forty. Oh Leonard, I wish now that we had let him fight in the war, even though it would have broken my heart to see him go. It might have got rid of some of his demons.’ Her heart turned over at the thought of it all. ‘He carries such anger inside.’

‘I know. But he does seem to be coping with life better these days. Perhaps he’s turned the corner at long last.’

In his heart, Leonard held out small hope. Ronnie had always clung to his father; all his young life he had modelled himself on Barney, and after they were made to leave him behind, Ronnie never really got over it.

‘To hell with it!’ Sliding out from underneath the tractor, Ronnie threw the wrench across the ground. ‘The damned thing was rotten right through. It’s snapped in half now and I can’t shift it no way!’

Having stood patiently by while Ronnie tried to replace the bolt in the floor of the tractor, Thomas picked up the wrench. ‘Don’t get all worked up,’ he told him sternly. ‘You’re always in too much of a hurry, that’s your trouble.’

‘Huh! Well, that’s rich, I must say. I’ve been working at it for half an hour.’

Getting down to his knees, Thomas peered beneath the tractor. ‘Ten minutes, not half an hour,’ he reminded his brother. ‘You’ve been at it for ten minutes, and in that time you’ve managed to cause chaos. You caught the fuel pipe and almost ripped it off in a panic, and now you’ve chopped the bolt off so there isn’t enough left to grip hold of.’ He gave a weary grin. ‘Do me a favour, will you?’ he asked light-heartedly.

Ronnie groaned. ‘Now what?’

‘While I’m under here, I want you to stay right where you are. Don’t do anything! Don’t try to help, and don’t move, not even an inch. Do you think you could manage that?’

Ronnie had to smile. ‘I reckon so,’ he answered sheepishly. ‘I’m sorry, Tom … bad night, worse morning. One o’ them days, eh?’

Thomas crawled under the tractor. ‘I know what you mean,’ he remarked cynically. ‘Since first light this morning you’ve been a right pain, moaning and groaning, dropping this and throwing that. To tell you the truth, I’d rather you stayed away when you’re in one of those moods.’

‘All right, all right! There’s no need to keep on, dammit!’ Kicking the tractor with the flat of his foot, Ronnie cursed under his breath when his foot began to throb. ‘It’s just that, well, these days, I’ve got things on my mind. I can’t seem to concentrate.’ A wry smile lifted the corners of his mouth. ‘Everything I touch seems to go wrong.’

Thomas smiled up at him. ‘You’re a walking disaster,’ he agreed. ‘Now just remember to stay right where you are – at least until I get out from under here. That’s all I’m asking.’

Ronnie nodded. ‘Sure.’

‘Oh, and by the way, what happened to that good-looking woman I saw you with at the park … Norma, wasn’t it?’

Ronnie tutted. ‘Nancy! Her name was Nancy.’

‘OK, so what happened to Nancy?’

‘It wasn’t working out.’

Thomas slid out from under the tractor. ‘What you mean is, she got fed up with your fiery moods and quick temper, and she dumped you. Am I right – is that what happened?’

‘Something like that, yes.’ Ronnie shrugged his shoulders. ‘She went off with some wagon-driver. It doesn’t bother me, though. She wasn’t so perfect either, when it came right down to it. Truth is, I think I’m well out of that one.’

Tapping him on the shoulder with the wrench, Thomas warned his younger brother, ‘One of these days you’ll find somebody you really love. You’ll drive her away with that raging temper of yours and live to regret it.’

‘So what?’ Ronnie gave the tractor another vicious kick. ‘It wouldn’t be the first thing I’ve lived to regret!’ With a parting shot he strode off. ‘Tell Mom I’m staying in town tonight.’

‘Why don’t you stay home, just this once?’ Thomas asked angrily. ‘You know that’s what she wants.’

‘Oh yeah?’ Ronnie turned on him. ‘Well, we don’t always get what we want out of life, do we, eh? I wanted her to stay and work it out with Dad, but she refused. When we got here, I wanted her to go back and try again, but oh no! And when it was too late and we heard that Dad had died, it didn’t take her long to marry Leonard, did it? All women are bitches, in my opinion.’

‘It wasn’t like that, and you know it!’

Grabbing him by the shirt-collar, Thomas reminded him, ‘Leonard has been good to us. If it hadn’t been for him, God only knows where we might have ended up. As for Mom, she was devastated when Dad did what he did … parading himself through the centre of Liverpool with tarts and drunks. And don’t forget how he turned on her when she tried to reason with him! I’ll never know why he changed like he did. But he did, and it hurt. It hurt us, and it hurt her more. Don’t tell me she didn’t try to rebuild the family, because she tried time and again, belittling herself for our sakes, but Dad was so far gone he didn’t want to know! As for her marrying Leonard, what would you have her do, eh? Spend the rest of her life being lonely, brooding over what happened?’

He gave Ronnie a shake. ‘Did you really want her to go back and beg Dad to change his mind? Did you want her to suffer another round of shame and rejection? Is that what you wanted? Is it?’

There were tears in both men’s eyes.

Thomas, too, had been affected by leaving his father in Liverpool, but through it all he saw himself as the man of the family. With Susie and his mother in pieces and Ronnie getting involved with all manner of bad things, it was up to him to reassure the others, when all the time he was feeling heartbroken and bitter. He loved his father. But seeing him turn into a stranger had been devastating. To his dying day he would never understand why it happened the way it did. But it did, and they had to live with it – Ronnie included!

Suddenly, the younger man was crying, loud bitter sobs that shook Thomas to his roots. ‘I didn’t mean to blame her,’ he wept. ‘I know it wasn’t her fault.’

Wrapping an arm round him, Thomas held him in a brotherly hug. ‘Just remember, she did what she could,’ he said quietly. ‘She secured us a future, and I for one am glad she has somebody else to look out for her. Leonard is a good man, you know that.’

Ronnie didn’t look up. Instead, he nodded his head. Then he turned and walked away.

Thomas watched him go. He saw the hunched shoulders and the dogged steps, and it tore him apart. ‘Ronnie, come back … RONNIE!’ Instead, Ronnie broke into a run. He ran down the dip and on towards the lane, where he jumped the five-bar gate, and was quickly gone.

Behind him, Thomas leaned against the barn door, his sorry gaze following Ronnie as he disappeared out of sight.

He was torn two ways. He knew how hard his younger brother had tried to stay out of trouble, and for a time he had managed it. He stayed home and worked the land with Thomas. He slotted back into the family fold and was even forging a friendship with Leonard. But like always, this period of peace was short-lived. Somehow he always drifted back to the bad ways, hanging out with ruffians on the wrong side of town, getting drunk in bars and causing mayhem wherever he went.

Seeing his brother so damaged, was deeply troubling to Thomas. There seemed no peace for him, no salvation. Inevitably his thoughts returned to the day they sailed out of Liverpool, when he had seen young Ronnie hiding behind a column on deck, looking back, tears in his eyes as he searched for the figure of his father; there was no sign of Barney, only the Mersey docks, getting smaller and smaller, until they disappeared altogether.

Time and again over the years he had tried to reach out to Ronnie, but when he was in one of his black moods, there was no reasoning with him.

The boy had gone, the man had emerged, but the heart was still raw with loss. And because Barney was not here to ease his pain, he blamed everyone else – his brother, his mother, and most of all, Leonard.

Susie was the only one he would talk to, because she knew how he felt. She, too, had gone through all the emotions, the bitterness and hatred, the longing and regrets. But over the years she had poured all her energy into work, and somehow had managed to come to terms with the upheaval that had turned all their lives upside down.

On seeing his mother return with Leonard, Thomas quickly went into the barn and resumed work on the tractor.

When he heard a noise at the barn door, he looked up to see his mother standing there. ‘Is everything all right?’ she asked worriedly. ‘Was that Ronnie I saw running across the fields?’

Thomas told her that Ronnie had been helping him service the machines. ‘He had to go,’ he explained. ‘Things to do, or so he said.’

Vicky came closer. ‘Don’t fob me off, young fella,’ she said. ‘Ronnie was running like the devil was on his heels. Something’s wrong, I know it.’ She saw the pain in her elder son’s eyes and her heart sank. ‘What’s wrong this time? Where was he headed? Please, lad, tell me the truth.’

Thomas straightened his shoulders. ‘He’s gone,’ he said simply.

‘Gone where?’

‘God knows.’

‘Why did he go? WHY?’

‘Who can tell?’ Anger and frustration rippled through him. ‘One minute he was working under the tractor, then we were talking and now he’s gone, like you say … running as though the devil was on his heels.’

Vicky didn’t need to ask but she did anyway. ‘What exactly were you talking about?’

‘Nothing in particular,’ he said cautiously. ‘This and that.’

‘It was Barney, wasn’t it?’ Where Ronnie was concerned, her instincts were always right. ‘You were talking about your father, and he got himself all aerated?’

Thomas was stuck for an answer. So many times he’d been caught in the middle, not wanting to hurt Ronnie, not wanting to hurt his mother. ‘All right, yes, we were talking about Dad, or at least Ronnie was,’ he said finally.

She nodded an acknowledgement. ‘And he was blaming everyone. You, for not persuading me to go back and try to reunite the family, and Leonard for marrying me?’

‘Look, Mom, Ronnie’s got it all wrong. He took it bad when the family broke up.’

Vicky put up her hand to stop him. ‘We all took it bad!’ she reminded him. ‘You, Susie, and me. We’ve all had to deal with it. Did you tell him that it was twenty years ago, and that he must learn to come to terms with it? Otherwise it will ruin him, and if it ruins him, it will ruin us too.’ A thought crossed her mind. ‘What else did he say?’

Thomas knew his mother would not let it go until she had the whole story. ‘He said you should never have married Leonard,’ he muttered, hating to say the words.

‘I see.’ She bowed her head. ‘He still dislikes him, doesn’t he?’

‘No, I don’t think he dislikes him. It’s just that he sees him as having taken Dad’s place.’

Vicky’s quiet voice reflected her thoughts. ‘He doesn’t know how wrong he is. No one could ever take the place of Barney.’

Her sorry eyes belied the bright smile on her face. ‘Ronnie will be back,’ she assured him. ‘He needs us, just like we need him, so let’s not worry too much, eh?’

As she walked away, the tears burned brightly in her sad eyes. In the curve of the lane she paused to look up at the skies; just then the clouds shifted and from somewhere deep in the Heavens, the sky was lit with a warm glow. ‘Help him, Barney,’ she pleaded. ‘He’s so bitter and unhappy, and he won’t let any of us near. He’s your son, my darling, and he’s in turmoil. Help him, please.’

After a while she blinked back the tears and walked on.

She knew how Ronnie felt and she could not blame him. There were times when she, too, felt the pain and loneliness of not having Barney in their lives. Yes, she had made a new life with Leonard, and yes, she had her family around her. But every day, every minute something was missing. That something was Barney.

In the beginning she had often been tempted to go back, to make contact with him and talk it through, until she reminded herself that it was Barney himself who had made the choice; it was Barney who had broken all their hearts and sent them away; and it was Barney who had cruelly rejected her, time and again. For whatever reason, their happy life together had been poisoned for all time.

That was when the pain turned to anger, and she hardened herself to move on, away from the past and into the future.

For all their sakes, it had seemed the only way.