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ОглавлениеBeginnings: The Myth of the Tough Boy
As psychologists (and virtually all parents) have long known, children show definite sex differences and preferences when it comes to behavior, including play and risk-taking. And although research into the field of gender differences is opening up new thinking all the time, it is generally the case that from early childhood, most boys are more interested in rough-and-tumble play, and most girls are interested in more inwardly focused play. Boys are more likely to climb trees and have skinned knees, and girls more likely to favor imaginative, relationship-focused play. Boys are more likely to be fascinated with dragons, girls with horses. And though many boys are drawn to video and computer games based on combat and survival, most girls are not. There are exceptions, of course, but these generalizations are largely sound.
Behavior versus Personality
Behavioral sex differences like those just described appear to be the basis on which our society stereotypes boys’ and girls’ personalities. In other words, we’ve been inclined to see these outer differences as indicators of inner differences. These latter stereotypes, however, are not only generally inaccurate, worse, they can be downright dangerous. The specific stereotype I’m speaking of is the one that goes like this: girls are sensitive, boys are tough. Or, as the old rhyme goes:
“What are little boys made of?
Snips and snails, and puppy dog tails
That’s what little boys are made of!
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice and everything nice
That’s what little girls are made of!”
Again, the implication is clear: boys are tough, inside and out; girls are sensitive, inside and out. Not true!
If anything, research suggests that boys, despite their preference for rough-and-tumble play and their attraction to risk, may actually be more emotionally vulnerable and less resilient in the face of trauma than girls. We will look at this issue more closely later on, but for starters consider the following facts:
• The prevalence of alcohol abuse among men is almost three times as high as it is among women. People don’t just drink for fun; they also drink as a means of coping. They drink because they believe it helps relieve anxiety or depression. This is especially true among people whose drinking—like Paul’s as discussed in the previous chapter—falls outside of what you could call “normal social drinking.”
• Almost four times as many males as females die by suicide. People don’t kill themselves if they are happy and psychologically resilient. So if we men are so tough, why do more of us resort to suicide?
• The incidence of “conduct disorders” is twice as high among boys as it is among girls. These disorders are typically associated with difficulty dealing with emotions. Boys are thought to be emotionally resilient, but in fact, they are just as emotional as girls; however, the myth of the “tough boy” may be what prevents boys from feeling their emotions and expressing them in anything other than the limited socially acceptable ways for boys: fighting and roughhousing. After all, “boys will be boys” and “boys don’t cry.”
This thinking that boys are emotionally thick-skinned is one reason why boys can grow to become men with MBPD.
Attachment
Attachment is one of the key developmental tasks facing a young child—basically, a child between the ages of birth to five. It happens to be one of those rare psychological terms that is actually self-explanatory. Beginning at or soon after birth, children become “attached” to others. They also can become “attached” to places and to objects.
The most common first attachment is to the mother, who is usually the first person to hold, cuddle, and nurture the newborn. However, attachment is not limited to the mother, but can include the infant’s father, as well as others who provide comfort and nurturance and who interact with the infant on a regular basis. The key to attachment appears to be nurturance and comfort. Attachments form the “home base” where a child feels safe and from which he or she will venture forth to discover and learn.
Abandonment, abuse, and rejection hold the potential to seriously undermine or disrupt attachments that are either being formed or that have already been formed. The same is true for parents whose behavior reflects ambivalence toward a child. In Paul’s case, described in the first chapter, his father left him at an early age and his mother remarried twice, each time to an abusive alcoholic. And she, at least according to Paul as well as his wife Meg, was not a model of consistent nurturance or comfort, perhaps as a consequence of her own alcoholism. She acted with ambivalence toward her son, protecting and nurturing him at some times, while abandoning or rejecting him at others. This parenting style breeds the kind of insecurity that is common among people with BPD. The sexual stereotypes just described, however, can make us “color blind” (or “gender blind”) so that we fail to see this cause-and-effect chain in boys as much as we are open to seeing it in girls.
When attachment becomes problematic the result can be long-term insecurity. That insecurity can manifest in several ways. First and foremost it can lead to what is called “free-floating anxiety.” This is a form of anxiety that more or less hovers over a person. They can tell you that they are anxious, but they typically can’t say what they are anxious about. You can also think of insecurity as a nagging feeling that the people you love won’t necessarily be there for you if you need them. Insecurity leads a person to be overly vigilant for any signs of rejection. In turn, the insecure person is slow to forgive a perceived rejection.
Insecurity can also be manifested in a fear of exploring the world, trying new activities, or taking risks. Along with this is a need for constant reassurance and a tendency to be clingy—these are all clearly evident in men with BPD.
Finally, abandonment, abuse, and rejection lead to self-hatred. Why? To put it simply, children are by their nature trusting and loving. Moreover, their formative experiences take place almost exclusively in the context of the parent-child relationship. Therefore, if they are neglected, rejected, or abused they are inclined to conclude that they are “bad” or “inferior,” as opposed to blaming their parent or caregiver for that. From their point of view, what else could explain their abuse or rejection, other than that they are somehow unlovable? Why else would their parent act with ambivalence toward them? This too was evident in Paul as an adult, for example when he would call himself “stupid” if he made a mistake, and when he would accuse his wife of feeling “superior.”
If their initial attachments are successful, children will be able to form additional attachments to significant others later on, with peers as well as with other influential adults in their lives, such as babysitters and day-care workers and, later, with teachers and coaches. I’ve met many people who can attest to how a teacher, a coach, a sibling, or other relative stepped up to the plate during their formative years and became that emotional anchor they needed.
I believe, as do many psychologists, that healthy attachments in childhood set the stage for satisfying, committed adult relationships that are not poisoned by insecurity. They lead to a positive self-image instead of one that is marred by self-hatred. Unhealthy or failed attachment, in contrast, sets the stage for precisely the insecurity and self-hatred that are the hallmarks of MBPD.
Not Just People
Children also become attached to objects, such as stuffed animals and blankets. They use these things as supplemental attachment objects. These items represent additional sources of comfort and companionship, particularly when human attachment figures are not readily available. All parents can attest to the various kinds of objects that their children become attached to, anything from a toy dragon to a stuffed kangaroo. Some families have heartwarming stories of their children’s attachment objects that were eventually packed up to accompany the “child” to college.
Adults, not just children, can also form attachments. Indeed, insecure people may be more inclined to do so than those who are relatively secure. This may include you, or someone you love.
What about Boys?
Our thinking about attachment may not be the same when it comes to boys, whom we are inclined to stereotype as rugged compared to girls. One mother, for example, expressed concern because, after she and her husband separated, their four-year-old son Tyler became attached to a doll named Sparkle.
Sparkle had long, dark brown, curly hair that glittered in the light—hence the name. This mother had originally gotten the doll for her older daughter, who was more or less indifferent to it and expressed no objections when Tyler appropriated it.
It was obvious that Sparkle was a source of comfort to Tyler, and that it was no coincidence that this new attachment followed closely on the heels of his father moving out of the house.
Tyler carried Sparkle with him constantly and would not go to sleep at night unless Sparkle was tucked in at his side. His mother’s concern was that Tyler might be ridiculed by other children for carrying a doll. This was a real possibility, especially if Tyler decided that he wanted to bring Sparkle with him to the day-care center his mother dropped him off at every morning on her way to work. To avoid that possibility I suggested that Sparkle be tucked into bed each morning, where she would spend the day waiting for Tyler to return.
Tyler maintained his attachment to Sparkle until he was six. Then, for some reason known only to Tyler, Sparkle was retired to a drawer beneath his bed. Tyler then began sleeping instead with a rubber snake and one or more stuffed dogs, which he’d begun collecting.
Tyler’s father kept in regular contact with him after the separation. Still, Tyler (more so than his sister) would cry inconsolably on occasion, saying that he missed his father. He also had occasional nightmares, the only cure for which was to sleep in his mother’s bed (with Sparkle at his side). His mother expressed surprise at this, saying that (for reasons she could not put into words) she’d expected her daughter to have the harder time. When I suggested that the reason might be an underlying assumption that boys were “tougher” than girls she thought for a moment, then nodded.
Because his parents accepted Tyler’s anxiety, and did what they could to comfort him, and also because Tyler was able to maintain his attachment to his father, his story had a happy ending. He was able to weather the storm created by his parents’ divorce. When it was time to start school he did so without difficulty and had none of the social or academic problems that are common in one of four children of divorce.
Young children like Tyler, of course, cannot be counted on to put their insecurity into words. Instead, one has to “read” it in their behavior. In turn, there are two ways to respond to their behavior. The right way is the way Tyler’s parents responded: with understanding and tolerance. The wrong way is to try to ignore the behaviors or try to talk boys out of them.
“Don’t feel that way!” will not be sufficient to make insecurity go away. Even worse are efforts to shame boys out of their insecurity. Unfortunately, because they buy into the myth of the tough boy, parents sometimes try to get boys to “tough it out” or “man up.” It would have been a mistake, for example, to try to persuade (or force) Tyler to give up Sparkle, or to insist that he stay in his own bed after having a nightmare. It would have been much worse, of course, if Tyler had lost his relationship with his father as a result of the divorce. Fortunately, that was not the case.
Taking Stock
Many of the symptoms associated with problems of attachment can be seen in adult men with BPD. The problem is that, as adults, they do not usually “connect the dots” and see how their insecurity, self-hatred, or anxiety may be rooted in the stereotype that they ought to be tough; therefore, they resist seeing such a connection. They may well buy into this stereotype themselves. Like Paul, they may get huffy and defensive if someone even suggests that they may be “insecure.”
The good news is that it is possible to work on overcoming the effects, such as those just described. However, that healing cannot begin until a man is aware of how his temperament and personality as an adult relate to his experiences as a child.
Early Memories
Early memories often reveal those to whom we were attached as children, as well as to the strength and security of those attachments. Here is an example:
Michael’s parents had divorced when he was six. His father, an engineer, was bitter. He ended up taking a job with an oil company in another country, remarried, and rarely returned to the states to see his son. When Michael came for counseling—the result of escalating conflict with his wife, combined with periodic bouts of severe depression that recently included an accidental overdose of sleeping medication—he said he did not remember much about his father. But according to his mother, he explained, he’d initially cried virtually every night at bedtime after his father left.
Later on Michael developed temper tantrums, and eventually a reputation for being someone who could fly off the handle. The depression, in contrast, did not begin to set in until he was an adult.
Despite his emotional ups and downs Michael did well in school, went to college, and became an accountant. He said that he had few friends, and inwardly had always been an anxious person who distrusted others and was self-critical. His relationships with women had also not gone smoothly. He’d been told, more than once, that he was “smothering.” From his point of view, though, the women he’d chosen to get close to were always letting him down. During his college years two of them had ended up cheating on him before breaking off the relationship. He saw no connection, however, between these women’s behavior and his tendency to be smothering and possessive. This problem existed now, as well, with his wife complaining that Michael was too controlling in the marriage, both of her and their children. He countered that he was a good provider and a faithful husband who was simply trying to instill good values in his children.
In counseling Michael was asked to think, between sessions, about any early memories he had of his father and to write them down. Here is what he came up with:
• A vague image of him leaning up against his father on the family room couch, watching a cartoon show and laughing together.
• Reading at night before bed. Michael’s father would lie beside him and they would go through their regular ritual that included reading a story and then giving each other a special, “secret” handshake.
• Going with his father to a nearby park and being pushed on the swings. Michael also vaguely remembered screaming in excitement when he felt he was being pushed too high, and his father then catching the swing and stopping it.
Michael could not figure out the significance of any of these early memories. Indeed, he had not thought about any of these attachments from his earlier life for many years. His therapist, however, suggested a couple of ways in which they could be relevant. The memories suggested, for example, that Michael’s father had been a major source of comfort for him before he left. He read bedtime stories to Michael, which is not only comforting to young children but cements the attachment between parent and child. Finally, Michael’s father was a source of fun (taking him to the park and pushing him on the swings) as well as security (being able to stop the swing whenever Michael got anxious).
It was pretty evident, then, that Michael’s father had actually played an important role in his life during his early years, and that the father-son bond had been strong. Then, after the divorce, Dad (and the father-son attachment) was suddenly gone. Viewed from the perspective of young Michael, he had not only been loved, but also abandoned by his father. This lost attachment would later be reflected in Michael’s difficulty getting close to others. He still had few friends, and was notably distrustful as well as jealous. His wife said the word “smothering” seemed right.
Despite his success Michael could be dreadfully self-critical. And, he had a temper, but could also fall into deep states of depression. Even the slightest criticism would send him into an emotional tailspin. These traits were all part of his borderline personality.
The following exercise is designed to help you take stock and reflect on your early experiences of attachment.
Your Early Memories
It can be productive to take some time, as Michael was asked to do, to reflect on your earliest memories with each of your parents. Here are a couple of ground rules:
• Don’t rush this process. Your initial response may well be that you don’t have many (or any) memories of your childhood. That may be the case, but if you allow this idea to “incubate” for a couple of weeks you will most likely find some memories emerging. Some of these may come to you suddenly, “out of the blue,” so to speak, when you least expect it. Some may even come to you when you are asleep.
• Write your memories down in a journal or notebook of some kind. This can be helpful as these memories can easily fade out of consciousness again.
• Be looking out in particular for memories, like Michael’s, of interactions you may have had with your father and mother, as well as any other adults you lived with.
• What emotional tone is associated with each of your memories? Do these memories evoke feelings of warmth and comfort? Conversely, do they evoke anxiety? Anger?
• As you look over your memories, do you get an impression that one of your parents may have had mixed feelings (ambivalence) about you? Which one? How was this ambivalence reflected in his or her behavior?
• Who do you think you were most attached to as a child? Were any of these attachments broken, for example by divorce or abandonment?
Places
In addition to people and objects, children can also form attachments to places. Think about this:
• When you were a child, did your family vacation in the same place year after year?
• Was there a space in your home where you felt comfortable and especially liked spending time?
• Did you like to arrange your bedroom (or your part of it) in any particular way?
• Would you be upset if anyone changed the way you’d arranged objects in your life?
The above are all examples of attachments to places. One man I counseled, Tom, spoke fondly of a tree house he and an older brother had built as children. Tom had a strong attachment to his brother, as well as to his mother. Their father had been a gambling addict who’d abandoned the family when Tom was three, apparently as a way of fleeing his debts. Tom not only spent time with his brother in that tree house, which was complete with a shingled roof and screening to keep out insects, but also used it as a refuge. On hot summer nights he often slept in the tree house alone, reading by the light of a lantern until he fell asleep.
As adults we sometimes think of this form of attachment as nostalgia: as a simple longing for days gone by. But these attachments are real, not just wistful thinking. They contribute to that sense of safety and stability that children rely on as a “home base” from which to venture forth and explore the world. Frequent disruptions in these attachments provoke deep anxiety of the “free-floating” variety described earlier.
As you were growing up, did you form attachments to places, as well as people and objects? Were these attachments stable, or were they often broken? This frequently happens, for example, to boys who grew up in a series of foster homes, and it often occurs with little notice.
SUMMING UP
Although problems of attachment may not be the sole cause of BPD in men, I believe it is certain that they play a large role. Our tendency to view boys as tough and rugged—not just physically, but emotionally—can set them up to develop the traits and temperaments associated with MBPD. They in turn can internalize that stereotype and expect themselves to be impervious to traumatic experiences such as abandonment, abuse, and rejection. As they evolve into men these boys may well be blind to the connection between their earlier experiences and their adult personalities and problems of living.
